The Daily Yapper

It's Official!

2009-12-11T09:40:00.009+10:00

Dear Junior Yappers,

Like thousands of people before me, I am packing my bags and heading for the mainland. Life sometimes delivers opportunities and those opportunities rarely knock twice.

It wasn't an easy decision to trade paradise for a paycheck and I'm hardly the first to do so. Everyone has a reason for leaving and the bottom line was mine.

I consider myself lucky to have spent the past couple of years on this beautiful island and to have met the select group of people who dedicated themselves to change.

Talking shit is my thing, but much like that big new building in Garapan, I Love Saipan! The jobless rate in The States is not any better than here but the compensation sure is!

I am just as lucky for reaching the next step on the ladder of life as I am to have found Saipan, Tinian, and Rota. After applying to numerous companies, waiting, checking the mailbox (physical and electronic), and fielding offers, I've finally found my penguin.

Finally!

I'm off to the mainland with a heavy heart, but I will keep an eye on the CNMI and keep an ear to the shells on the shores on the other side of the Pacific. Since making my decision four weeks ago, surprise has given way to excitement, which has given way to anxiety, which has given way to the unstoppable march of time.

And now that time is up.

See you in The States,

The Yapper

Five More Years

2009-12-10T08:16:00.005+10:00

It's over! Once again, Better Times beat Better Limes. The names of the LT's might have changed but the Green Machine downed the Half-Yapese Half-Pint by 370 votes to continue his rule over the serfs and vassals of Saipan, Tinian and Rota.

Defectors who sought change have already begun to lose their jobs but the action at the chopping block is far from over. Expect plenty of blood to be spilled in the coming days and weeks as the Executive Branch conducts summary executions across the board.

The CNMI is about to have a Legislature without a woman and the first governor with a nine-year rein. It was the Republicans who sounded the trumpets for a runoff that "a Carolinian could never win."

Ah, sweet irony.

Was it one of the biggest miscalculations in recent local political history? Maybe, but maybe not. Fitial was only the second governor to win a re-election bid, but he would have lost were it not for the runoff.

By eight votes!!!

So begins the grading season for those touting the benefits of "continued leadership" and stability...and the exodus. Studies at Yapper Central showed that people would have left the islands had the election had gone the other way, so the election results aren't the problem.

Today's The Day

2009-12-07T10:25:00.005+10:00

All of the absentee ballots are here and today we're going to find out who will be in charge of the CNMI for the next five years. There shouldn't be too much of a change in the lead as the incumbent has a 501-vote lead over his chief rival.

Now it's just a waiting game, but it's a game that will end by the end of the day.

Another State of Emergency?

2009-12-03T11:01:00.006+10:00

Should we even be surprised?

Wouldn't it be easier for everyone involved if the local media informs us when we're not in a State of Emergency?

Dear Saipan Tribune and Marianas Variety, You can save a lot of shitload of time, paper, and ink by passing on the emergency declarations and waiting for the all-clear from the apparent all-seer. In the meantime, would you mind filling the blank pages with a larger comics section? That's the only part I can read these days.

Sincerely,

The Yapper

Has the Census Lost Its Senses?

2009-12-03T10:02:00.004+10:00

Big money is available for one and all thanks to the return of the people counters. Yes, Census 2010 is offering up to $25 per hour to count people and interpret for the counters.

Not a bad deal at all.

While hundreds of eligible workers should rush out for one of the jobs, there will be a number of obstacles in their way.

Many fear losing their place in line at Nutrition Assistance but the most difficult barrier between job seekers and gainful employment is the urinalysis.

The "piss test" might piss a few people off, but more than 350 part-time and full-time positions need to get filled by drug-free U.S. Citizens. That wasn't a problem for the first NMI census in 1950, but there weren't all that many people to count back then.

So what's the big deal? The Census data will determine how more than $400 billion in federal funds is passed out to local, state and tribal governments each year (Are we tribal?). That means that we'll either get more food stamps or less food stamps and highway funds based on this report.

Just think of all the extra Rydlyme we could buy!

With headquarters in the U.S. Mainland, Census 2010 has a decent understanding of the island lifestyle. Rather than hurry people in for jobs that start now, officials employed the time honored local party planning technique by telling everyone to come an hour earlier than the start time. In this case, the actual census date will not start until April 1 (April Fool's Day).

So here's the pay broken down by position:

Office operations staff or clerks: $12.50 an hour
Enumerators: $15.94 an hour
Crew Leader Assistants: $15.94 an hour
Crew Leaders: $17.19 an hour
Field Operations Supervisors: $18.75 an hour.
Interpreters: $25 an hour.

Looks like there's a huge advantage to being a Crew Leaders over those lowly Crew Leader Assistants. Title has its privileges, but those privileges don't include extra pay. Another letdown is the guaranteed number of hours. Full-time and part-time workers will be required to work 10 to 40 hours per week.

Sounds great, maybe.

New jobs are good, but one of the downsides for the new moneymakers is that the duration of their employment will be limited to as little as a few weeks to as much as a few months.

So what's next for the people counters? Why their old spot in line, of course! At least there will be a lot of people who will benefit from the experience. A number of first time workers will be spoiled by the lack of work for high pay. That should get them lined up for cushy government jobs.

Hafa Stay?

2009-12-02T20:12:00.005+10:00

Much like thousands of Johns who visited the CNMI, "F-Day" came and went. So what happens next? We're still standing. Businesses haven't collapsed yet. Overstayers haven't been horded into 40' containers and shipped home.

So maybe federalization wasn't the worst case scenario that many predicted.

Maybe.

Local businesses won't seriously feel the pinch for at least a couple of years, but every month brings each minimum wage earner a step closer to a $.50/hr. pay hike. How long will that last? That's the $64,000 question.

With only highly qualified laborers being allowed to stick around Saipan's shores for the long haul, Congressman Kilili Salan and Governor Benigno Fitial managed to secure "parole" for four groups of non-residents.

So who gets a Get Out of Jail Free card? Not the so-called "overstayers." According to the Feds, there will not be an amnesty provision in the Consolidated Natural Resources Act or the federalization law for “overstayers” in the CNMI.

Glad I went Rihanna and got under my Umbrella-ella-ella-ey-ey-ey.

Ice Dealers Hard To Find?

2009-12-02T19:59:00.004+10:00

We here at Yap Central are "plenty happy" that the local ice peddlers are being rounded up and prosecuted. So why it's so difficult to wrangle the ice traffickers?

We know where they are!

We know where they make it!

They've even become so bold as to sell it in stores and promote home delivery!

The Office of the Attorney General is chasing down Junding Qiu for the possession and delivery of ice in two separate incidents in October, but what about the Lower Base Mafia that's been producing pure ice for almost 35 years?

Munson Retiring

2009-12-02T19:45:00.006+10:00

The man who won the west with nothing but his Winchester and his dog Ol' Blue is calling it a career, but is the judge really going to retire for good?

Let's face it, the guy has been a chief judge since the Reagan years. That means he's seen a lot of cases. So why retire now?

Do you think he was worn out by the Villagomez trial? Was it all of the gum chewing and jumbled seating arrangements? Maybe he decided to pack up and leave Saipan after we got our street signs and only now decided to act on it.

Munson and his wife have been on Saipan for almost three decades and it's clear that the local lifestyle rubbed off on him because, like many locals before him, he packed his belongings and moved to Idaho.

Good luck, Judge. Thanks for bagging one last big fish before you left.

New Quarters On The Way

2009-12-02T19:20:00.002+10:00

But who can afford them?

According to an early report from the local branch of Census 2010, not about 60% of the workforce. The good news is that the CNMI will finally get some quality "press" for the first time in a long while. The bad news is that most of those quarters will be remitted back to the home countries of the Commonwealth's guest workforce via Western Union.

The United States Mint opted to commemorate the CNMI through the printing of hundreds of thousands of 25-cent pieces in the U.S. mainland and people across America reacted in much the same way throughout each of the fifty states.

"What the hell is the see-en-em-eye and why the hell is it on my money?"

U.S. Rep. Gregorio Kilili C. Sablan believes that “Every time someone pulls one of these shiny numbers out their pocket they will be reminded of the Northern Marianas..."

I suppose that's much the same way that thousands of tourists are reminded of the working women of Garapan each time they put their hand in their pocket and pull out an old condom wrapper.

The official Northern Mariana Islands quarter release event takes place at the American Memorial Park on Wednesday, Dec. 10, where the public may purchase the Northern Marianas coins or trade their old quarters for the new.

Unfortunately, the the new quarters may only be obtained through the exchange of legal tender as the U.S. Treasury Department does not accept Food Stamp.

Can of Worms?

2009-12-01T08:12:00.003+10:00

Thanks to my new friend and new celebrity commenter, Melvin Faisao, I have a new interest in life that revolves around the campaign contributions of our local government officials. It's nothing that isn't easily found on Google so it shouldn't be a shock.

Second, I never knew that Melvin had such a passion for the politics of Indiana. Wow Melvin, you're so global! So what is it about Dan Burton that made you want to support his campaign?

For instance, did you know that Lt. Governor Eloy Inos contributed to a number of lobbying groups in the mainland U.S.? How many regular people in the Marianas are interested in furthering the Hoosier Political Action Committee? Indiana? Really? You're not done, Eloy. How about the thousands of dollars you contributed to lobbying groups like the Keep Our Mission PAC?

Well, that's not big deal. How about our Governor Benigno Fitial? He's kind of boring, but why would he be interested in Bob Schaffer's run for a Colorado Senate seat? Oh, and how about his other contributions to lobbying groups?

Don't worry, I'm not only into tracking down one party. How about Heinz Hofschneider? Hmm, interesting. Seems as thought he hasn't contributed. Wow, same goes for Arnold Palacios. Just for kicks, let's see what Google turns up on Juan Lizama.

Well that was about as expected as Tuesday morning after Monday night. All of his contributions were to himself. I knew he spent a lot of time with himself. I just didn't realize that he paid himself for all of that "extra time" spent in the bathroom.

More to come!

True Tragedy

2009-11-30T23:06:00.004+10:00

It is with a heavy heart that I relay to you the official death of one of my favorite reads. News of the loss reopened the pain that I felt when my idol, Lil Hammerhead, abruptly removed the comment section and stopped writing her blog.

Tonight I was saddened to learn that Ed Propst's blog is no longer available for public consumption. That leaves me with only Saipan Middle Road as my source for gossip and smack talk. Perhaps I should lead the life of Ghandi and "Be the change I want to see in the world."

I'm not into the whole fasting scene, but I can try. But what should I read for pure enjoyment?

No, not the Marianas Variety or the Saipan Tribune. They aren't so funny anymore. So what, or rather who then?

I beg the Marianas to produce a writer who can tickle my funny bone. Are you out there?

A Question for Melvin Faisao

2009-11-30T20:52:00.005+10:00

Dear Melvin,

Out of curiosity, where did you reside and what was your occupation in 1996 when you contributed $3,000 to the Tom DeLay's Congressional Committee and $2,000 to the Dan Burton For Congress Committee?

Just curious as to your means and motivation behind your support of a future felon and former Representative of the 22nd Texas Congressional District.

Your No. 1 Fan,

The Yapper

Finally the Weekend!

2009-11-28T05:21:00.011+10:00

Well it's about fucking time that this week is over. Now we're 10 days away from an official winner in the CNMI's runoff election. Who will win the high-voltage match between the power of ketchup and the lack of stable power?

If "Bitter Ed" has his way it will be the blue team all the way. If "Terrible Teresa" gets her way it will be the green dream team. If Charles Reyes gets his way he will resign and take a job with the Census 2010 team.

One bald guy is happy, but who is next in line for the administration? Will Ed Propst land a PIO job with the HAdminstration or will the Queen of Mean continue her reign of terror in typhoon country?

I'm not sure which is better or worse: someone who is well-intentioned but doesn't have any experience writing non-emotional paragraphs or the cruel woman who once wrote "Surrender Dorothy" in the sky.

501 votes is a lot of votes.

I'm not so sure that the HA camp can overcome this number with little only 1,000 absentee ballots yet to be counted. My guess is that Saipan's Teresarist will continue to mount her broom high above the Marianas for the next five years.

I really don't care who is the next governor, but that vindictive bitch scares the shit out of me. She's a strong woman. So was the East German women's Olympic team. This freakishly proportioned "lady" can do push-ups WITHOUT USING HER HANDS!!!!

I'm talking about titty push-ups, people. Titty push-ups! While I am somewhat impressed, sort of intimidated and maybe even a little bit jealous, I think that the people of the Pacific should be wary of her powers.

The dark side of the force is strong with this one. I mean, look at her attempt to lift an X-Wing Fighter here while the evil empress enjoys the show.

"What is your bidding, my mistress?"

If "Fitittyal" wins, pray there isn't a Covenant Party trilogy.

Double Fuck The Marianas Variety

2009-11-26T13:25:00.008+10:00

Yes, I said it. Twice.

Dear Marianas Variety,

Fuck you and your mother fucking policy of banning my comments. I am a registered user on your site and the most benign of my comments are washed away by your censoring hand. Fuck you and your fat ass president, too.

Sincerely,

The Yapper

PS-Happy Thanksgiving, Fuckface

Condolences

2009-11-21T04:27:00.006+10:00

Today was a dark day in the history of the CNMI as a lone gunman terrorized our island. I don't have anything witty to say about it.

Four people are dead, two of them children. Six more are wounded. Seven if you count the heart of the Marianas. Eight if you count the CNMI's tourism industry.

This is what happens when a regular person with access to weapons suddenly snaps. And to think that someone still thinks that everyone should have access to small arms.

Try to imagine how often this sort of think might occur if anyone could own weapons on Saipan.

File this under "W"

2009-11-01T22:11:00.004+10:00

...for Who Gives A Shit.

Sorry Mister Lizama, but nobody cares about what a washed-up ex-judge thinks about Governor Fitial's lawsuit. Actually, nobody cares about anything you have to say about anything.

First of all, you're jobless. Your role as an influential figure (albeit a shitty one) is fading faster than Eloy Inos' hairline (or yours, for that matter). So why would bumbling ex-Judge Lizama feel the need to send a press release to the Saipan Tribune?

If anything, the Tribune's editor should've enjoyed a good laugh at Lizama's self-important email and replied with a request that the faux story be rewritten for placement in the Letter to the Editor section.

Senor Lizama, you've got this whole media thing all wrong. The only people who are allowed to refer to themselves in the third-person are ego-inflated athletes and celebrities. You are neither. You're a pompous ass who did the CNMI a favor by stepping down as a judge.

And thanks for that!

Did you really feel that your endorsement would help? Maybe you're a Heinz fan and thought that your endorsement would likely hurt Fitial's reelection bid? I don't know for sure what your motivation was behind your self-penned piece but I know that the only significance that your letter had to the world was that it gave me another reason to write.

Thanks again :)

*BTW, Google Judge Juan Lizama and see what pops up first

Happy Birthday Internet!

2009-11-01T12:42:00.004+10:00

Just like Joe Camacho's runaway waistline, the Internet had to start somewhere. Thanks to a few forward thinking nerds and geeks from the University of California, we now enjoy a world of communication (and more importantly, porn) that was (much like the green chick that Captain Kirk hooked up with) previously the stuff of fantasy.

I find it hilarious that the receiving computer crashed before it could handle the entire first message. Perhaps it was one of the early sensitive models that expected the inaugural information transmission to read "loser" instead of "login."

Without a doubt, we bloggers owe it to the pocket protector-wearing pioneers for allowing our voices to be heard around the world. All of this because some basement denizens decided to turn Dungeons & Dragons into a MMORPG.

Barenaked Lawns on the Way

2009-10-31T06:21:00.015+10:00

Thank God that we've only got to listen to lousy music from the runaway campaign trucks for another seven days. It's hard to believe that in one week I will be casting my ballot for the next governor of the CNMI, the next mayor of Saipan (or who I like to call Mr. Irrelevant), the next two senators of the CNMI and the next thousand or so representatives.

I'm looking forward to voting for just about all of the races, but does the House of Representatives still have any relevance today?

Let's face it, even though they can author bills that could possibly become laws, our House of Representatives will make about as much difference in the CNMI as the Municipal Councils. People, if a mook like Ray Palacios can win a seat, anyone can win a seat.

Do you know Ray Palacios? He's the guy who used to make a living keeping score at local baseball and softball games as well as by serving as a bilingual teacher at a local elementary school. I use the term "teacher" loosely because everyone knows that bilingual teachers aren't actually teachers.

How is that?

Mainly because all you need is the ability to speak Chamorro in order to get in front of a class and collect a paycheck. You don't even need to speak English all that well to do it either, not to mention attain any level of certification (say Praxis).

Ray won a seat with the Covenant Party the last time around after Oscar Babauta (Corruptimus Prime) campaigned hard for him as another Covenant Clan Ungan-Man. Will he win again? Let's just say that Ray has his eye on the prize.

While we're on the topic of wasted campaign money, how much do you figure that the Republican and Covenant parties have spent on their respective mega-rallies? Think about how many thousands of campaign dollars were spent on Budweiser and Bud Light.

Think I'm kidding? Think again.

Election years are amazing for MARPAC (I’m not so sure the same goes for the Miller Lite peddlers down the street) as hundreds of drunken voters down can after can of “Election Juice” before driving away with a DPS-issued “Get out of jail free” card.

Why is this? It’s culture, ne.

Let’s get down to it:

We’ve got four candidates for governor. Do we keep the same guy in office or do we toss him out on his colostomy bag an usher in a new era of bad leadership? It doesn’t matter who wins next week’s election because all four of the candidates won’t be the savior that the Commonwealth so desperately needs.

Maybe we should start with the candidate who sucks the most and work our way backward. If there’s anything we know how to do here on Saipan it’s work our way backward.

4th Place: Occupying the role of suckiest candidate is Ramon Kumoi Guerrero. Kumoi has only one skill, and I don’t mean the ability to light a cigarette and inhale the whole thing with one toke. Kumoi possesses the dangerous ability to rile up the lowlifes into a CUC-driven frenzy.

This relic is the Keith Richards of the political scene. I don’t know how he’s managed to stay alive this long. For him, nicotine is like a performance enhancing steroid that keeps him going like a smoked out Energizer bunny.

He’s got nothing to say about the race that doesn’t somehow link to CUC but enough rabble will vote for this waste of space because they’ll get hooked into his lies. Actually, I don’t think he’s lying at all. I think that Kumoi seriously believes the crap he’s saying will actually work. Tar-induced Dementia has a way of doing that to a man.

3rd Place: Juanpan Guerrero’s campaign might have less substance than Kumoi but at least regular people actually respect a man who operates a number of businesses on Saipan. He demonstrated his deft tap dancing skills in previous debates, but his platform isn’t all it’s baked up to be.

To be sure, Juanpan is not as dumb as he looks or sounds. He can come off like a real idiot at times (okay, most of the time), but he knows how to get results when it counts. While he will never admit it, he’s smart enough to get help from people who know what they’re talking about in order to accomplish the mission.

Why else would he sound so well in prepared speeches and fail so badly in one-on-one conversations?

The Duke of Danish has a chance in this election, but he won’t likely land a spot in the runoff election.

2nd place: This might be a step down for the CNMI Governor, but placing second in the election will save him from actually stepping down in the future. You’ve got to hand it to Benigno Fitial for holding down a bum job in a bum economy.

Some think that the broken down dictator was terrible for the CNMI but others thank him for their undeserved government positions. When Fitial no longer has the ability to care for himself, Melvin Faisao should get down on his knees and wipe the ass of the man who gave him a good paying job.

Faisao shouldn’t even be allowed to sell popcorn at Hollywood Theaters much less hold down high ranking government positions. How about Ray Mafnas? This guy’s resume boasted that he was voted as “Most Likely to play B.A. Baracus for the Chamorro A-Team” and that he can rip apart the CNMI phonebook on only three tries.

Who else? How about Sylvan Igisomar? This lumpy guy was made up of previously chewed betel nut and bitter melon, jammed into a burlap sack and dressed up in a shirt and tie to help keep the sack closed at the top.

Don’t even get me started on Del Rosario.

Four more years of these three idiots lands Fitial the runner-up spot.

1st Place: The Yapper gives credit where credit is due and Heinz Hofschneider is due loads of credit for his lead it the Gubernatorial race. The well-spoken half-pint is going to be our next governor because of the runoff election.

And that’s it.

It’s not because the masses believe that he is the best man for the job (although plenty do, ne). Fitial will get a lot of votes, Juanpan will get a bunch of votes and Kumoi will get a lot of votes. The thing is that when Fitial and Hofschneider go head-to-head in Ed Propst’s dream match, the knee-high Napoleon will come out on top.

Does he have a better direction for the CNMI? Maybe and maybe not, but he isn’t promising a shoe factory or a peanut factory either. Sorry Benigno-no, but you’re going to lose this time around. No offense, but it still won't make all that much difference to the Commonwealth as a whole.

Fitial's ouster and 11,000 Saipanda backpacks won't amount to a hill of beans for the CNMI's dwindling tourism numbers, but it might be a start. So now I'm wondering what candidate is going to bring back the hot Japanese tourists who have left for cleaner pastures.

Maybe that will be the basis for my platform...

Debatable Performance

2009-10-28T08:01:00.006+10:00

Anyone out there in the blog world happen to drop by the Saipan Chamber of Commerce's Gubernatorial Debate last night? The Yapper did, and I saw three guys and a smoked out piece of tar answering questions, tap dancing, and pointing fingers at one another.

Juanpan's answer on Article XII was precious. He could be the next bread making celebrity on Dancing with the Stars. "I don't think that Article XII is an issue for the Governor. I think it should be decided by the people. The Governor should not make Constitutional decisions."

In the words of Team America's Carson, "Jesus Titty Fucking Christ!"

Nice try oh tapper of dance. The only thing weaker than your Article XII answers was your solutionless five-minute closing. I often enjoy a tall glass of milk with my goodies from Herman's Modern Bakery, but after hearing your answers last night, the only question I could think of was, "Got Substance?"

Next please.

The crypt keeper sitting next to you wasn't all that much better. Actually, he was worse. There wasn't an answer given by Kumoi that didn't included the CUC. He seriously attributes every problem that faces the CNMI to the CUC running diesel instead of his super heavy fuel.

It's like playing Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon with that generators at CUC. If you asked him how his mother was doing today, Kumoi would tell you how much better she would be if the generators were running on heavy fuel.

Ask Kumoi what he had for lunch last week Tuesday and he'll tell you that he had a BLT from Bobby Cadillac's that was $0.25 more expensive than it should have been because the owners raised their prices to help pay for their CUC bill, which of course would've been far less had the CUC stuck to it's heavy fuel that the generators were designed for.

Now for the sitting Governor, Ben Fitial. In what was his most damning statement of the evening, Fitial acknowledged the rampant use of emergency declarations and admitted that he has done so because he lacked sufficient support in the legislature to right the ship at CUC, CHC, and the CPA.

Earth to Beloved Leader, did you just say that you circumvented our system of checks and balances because you weren't satisfied with the support level from the legislators or did I miss the part where you said that there was an actual emergency that demanded a legitimate declaration?

Confucius say, "Do not stick penis in own ass."

I think you just fucked yourself, Benigno.

Now for Captain Ketchup.

Heinz was definitely the belle at the ball last night. He was well spoken, delivered answers and provided solutions to the Commonwealth's ills. Am I 100% behind him? Not yet, but last night he continued his domination of Fitial that began during the CREAM debate.

Hofschneider could be a welcome change to 'Better Times" but I think he should win the election purely for comedic value. If he gets the most votes next month, people can walk up to Heniz and call him "Half-A-Governor" with a straight face and receive a smile from our cute little Yapese half-pint.

I just hope he keeps his little packets of ketchup to himself. Heinz seems to be winning the race so far, and the last thing he needs is another secretary scandal.

Another Gripe?

2009-10-27T09:46:00.004+10:00

I swear to SPAM that the people who run CUC could care less about their customers. Not giving a shit about me as a customer is one thing, but do they have to be so damn smug about it? What the flying fuck is up with them running the aircons at full blast anyway? Is Tony Muna trying to help drive business to his wife's locally made sweater company? And what are they making those sweaters out of? I'll tell you what, it's people! Muna's sweaters are made of pee-puhl!!

Today's Gripe

2009-10-23T13:47:00.013+10:00

Hafa Adai Junior Yappers!

Time for me to get the wheels churning again and nothing beats a Daily Gripe from the Daily Yapper. Today's gripe: Anonymous Bloggers.

There's nothing I hate more than an anonymous blogger. Man those cowardly little fuckers really piss me off. Every time their fingers molest innocent qwerty keyboards across the globe I feel a little bit worse. Yes they're writing but it's like having our environmental movement being pushed ahead by Patrick Calvo's green thumb. Ewwwww!

Not sure how he's going to enjoy being the belle at the ball sac, but I imagine he's not going to ask for seconds in the knees-first chow line. Picture an inmate in his jumpsuit playing the role of Maitre d' in their shared prison cell. "Calvo, party of one."

No tables or chairs required, sir. Same for utensils, save for this fleshy straw.

Speaking of sucking, did anyone hear Greg Cruz sucking off Kumoi "I Don't have a chance to win the election this November" Guerrero during the Saipan Chamber of Commerce debate? I thought I was watching Brokeback Mountain! Taotao TwoOfUs was deeper into Kumoi's ass than Tony Benavente is into Mayor Juan Tudela.

And while we're on the subject of assy mayors, I wonder who will win the nod for the biggest nothing job. I see a pile of people running for a job which traditionally serves the public as a water and gravel provider.

WTF?

Oh wait, as Mayor of Saipan you are also required to show up to any and every local function, get drunk and claim credit for what was done. Yep, I see a lot of worthless candidates who are more than qualified for that one.

There might be one candidate who could possibly do something positive for Saipan that doesn't involve the construction of picnic tables, but I think he's too qualified. We're talking about someone who could land a real job that demands results.

...and I'm not speaking about Candi Taman. Jesus Kristo Rai, is that guy hilarious! He's the first person turned down for employment at McDonald's because he was unqualified to flip burgers.

Unqualified? Want to talk about unqualified? How about the Destructive Driver of Dan Dan who is still "qualified" to have a license despite the fact that she drove over a kid while speeding through the village? Ana Teregeyo is sporting a brace on her arm because she can no longer shoulder the guilt of being a child murderer.

Or not.

Runaway Ana might get a few votes from the Covenant Party this year, but anyone who thinks that our leaders should be examples of how to do things should never, ever, ever vote for this irresponsible lady.

Killer!

Speaking of killer, Saipan experienced some killer waves when Typhoon Melor blew through and a lot of loony haoles took to the lagoon in search of surf. I think almost all of them made it back, but shouldn't DPS be more than a little upset with this?

Seriously, DPS has an inflatable boat and a few life jackets. Too bad none of our local cops can swim. So who fishes the surfer boys out of the water when the tide is high? The ghost of Jim Bell?(RIP Jim. Hope you found what you were looking for out in the big blue.)

So it's down to me?

2009-10-06T08:47:00.003+10:00

Is it true that Pragmatic Plato has been exposed? In any event, he or she has stopped blogging. Plato isn't the only one. My idol and anonymous friend, Lil Hammerhead is also out of the blogging business.

I miss her.

So does that mean that I have to pick up the mantle for responsible blogging and start writing once again? What do you think?

I offer an open invitation to Plato and Hammerhead to join me. All you have to do is drop me an email at thedailyyapper@gmail.com and we can get going right away!

I don't think I've ever been into the gossip column business so I will leave the alleged names out of this post. Their identity doesn't really matter to me other than I would enjoy getting together with them for some coffee, wine or beer.

Guess Who's Back?

2009-07-28T07:19:00.008+10:00

Florencio Richards is back in the news, kids. Who is that? Please allow me to refresh your memory. Good ol' Florencio Richards is the brilliant Crime Scene Investigator whose DPS issued firearm was "stolen" back in December.

*interesting side note: Florencio's service firearm (Smith & Wesson 9mm semi-automatic) which was allegedly stolen when his government-assigned vehicle was burglarized in December was miraculously found when the dipshit discovered the handgun in his house a month later. And this is the guy who people were defending as a good cop? Stupid fuckers...

I called this sorry sack of shit out when it happened (and the Variety censored my comments, those bastards) for being a lousy cop and a worse human being. I know that he's been a piss poor professional everywhere he's been employed, but this time around, DPS caught this douche bag holding the, ahem, bag.

Read from the Marianas Variety below:

Cop arrested for theft, burglary
Tuesday, 28 July 2009
By Raquel Bagnol
Variety News Staff

A Crime Scene Investigators Unit officer and his companion were arrested for burglarizing a school in Tanapag and a residence in Capital Hill using a police vehicle early Sunday morning.

Superior Court Associate Judge David A. Wiseman set a $15,000 bail each for Police Officer Florencio Q. Richards and his co-defendant Vincent Daniel Q. Terlaje during a bail hearing yesterday. Wiseman ordered that 10 percent or $1,500 of the bail should be in cash and the remaining $13,500 in unsecured bond.

Assistant Attorney General George Hasselback represented the government. Assistant Public Defender Richard Miller was appointed to represent both defendants. Wiseman set the preliminary hearing for Aug. 3 and the arraignment on the 10th of the same month.

Detective Christopher Leon Guerrero stated in his affidavit that at 9:08 a.m. on July 19, the victim — Bruce M. MacMillan—a resident of Miller Estate Apartment in Capital Hill, reported a burglary and theft incident to the Department of Public Safety. Preliminary investigations showed that the victim left his apartment between 5:15 to 5:30 a.m. when the suspects burglarized his apartment.

The victim told police he lost a light black Toshiba satellite laptop computer worth $1,200, a citizen sky hawk watch worth $500, one booklet business check, and one booklet personal check both for Bank of Guam. The victim also lost his wallet containing an American Express Optima Platinum credit card and an American Express Gold Rewards credit card.

Police learned that the suspects attempted to withdraw money using one of the credit cards by swiping it off at Shell Puerto Rico at 6:22 a.m. that same day. The suspects also tried to swipe the cards at the First Hawaiian Bank and Kagman Mobil on July 20 and at the Bank of Hawaii Chalan Kanoa Branch 20 times.

Leon Guerrero learned there were personal checks belonging to the victim that were forged and cashed. The defendants wrote off four checks amounting to over $2,000 to two cooperating defendants using the stolen checkbooks.

On July 18, between 9 to 10 p.m., Leon Guerrero learned that one of the cooperating defendants was attending a birthday party in Fina Sisu when Richards and Terlaje arrived. The cooperating defendant said that he saw blue police lights inside the Nissan Pathfinder car brought by the two defendants.

He told police that Richards and Terlaje picked him up and they went to Ace Pool Bar in Garapan then proceeded to San Roque School at about 11 p.m. The cooperating defendant told police that Richards dropped them off at San Roque School and he was told to be the lookout man while Terlaje broke into the school’s classroom.

Terlaje was looking for laptops but when he couldn’t find any, they left and met Richards by the nearest poker. Police later learned that the doors of five classrooms were damaged when Terlaje poked them with screwdrivers and monkey wrench tools to gain entry.

Leon Guerrero learned that very early on July 19, they were heading toward Capital Hill with Terlaje asleep on the backseat. Terlaje awoke when Richards was loading a laptop bag, a silver watch and the checkbooks. They parked by Tanapag Beach site as the defendants were trying to figure out four digit numbers for the PIN of the credit cards, then they proceeded to an apartment across from San Vicente Head Start.

Terlaje got off the vehicle and surveyed the apartment but they left after seeing it was closed. The two then headed to As Lito. Police learned that same afternoon the defendants went to Payless and Tripple J Fresh Market where Terlaje cashed some checks.

A search warrant issued at Terlaje’s house by Associate Judge Kenneth L. Govendo led to the discovery of a 9mm handgun and the wallet belonging to MacMillan. MacMillan told the Variety in a telephone interview that only his watch and wallet were recovered, without the contents.

He commended the effort of Leon Guerrero in tracing the suspects. The police especially Leon Guerrero worked like crazy and put in long hours to catch the suspects,” MacMillan said.

In yesterday’s press briefing, DPS Commissioner Santiago F. Tudela said this is a sad incident for the police department. “It’s so bad that anyone who wears a badge breaks the public trust and I will not tolerate this,” Tudela said. He said it was bad enough to have a police officer who got involved in burglary, but to use a government-issued vehicle for the burglary was worse.

He said that Richards will be dealt with administratively which could mean suspension without pay until the case is resolved in court. “If the court finds him guilty, he will be terminated and see his way out of the DPS,” Tudela said. “I cannot control the activities of the police officers outside of their duty hours, but if they get involved in anything against the law one way or another, we will get them,” Tudela said.

DPS acting spokesman Jason T. Tarkong said Richards had also been involved in a burglary case at the San Roque Elementary School. Tarkong said Richards reported losing his service firearm—a Smith & Wesson 9mm semi-automatic handgun after his government-assigned vehicle was burglarized in December last year. Tarkong said they investigated the reported loss and just when they were about to wrap up their investigation about a month later, Richards reported finding his service firearm inside his house.

Or, if you prefer the Saipan Tribune...

They broke into apartments and broke into an elementary school? Dear Judge Wiseman, please hammer these fuckers!

Either way you put it, Florencio Richards is a complete ass and now he's going to pay the price in the pokey. He's a scumbag and now he's going from being a cop to being cooped up.

The funniest part about this case is how these two fucking idiots made it easy for the good cops to track them down. What do I mean? They went to stores with cameras to use stolen credit cards. Fucking morons!

Also, they issued stolen check...TO THEMSELVES!!! What the fuck? Hey, these aren't the only morons to do this. You'd think that these assholes would figure out that crime doesn't pay, but you'd also think that these dumb shits would be smart enough not to leave a trail of bread crumbs for DPS.

Anyone want to defend Florencio now?

Just Awesome

2009-06-29T01:31:00.005+10:00

That's how I describe Renee Simao's Letter to the Editor in the Saipan Tribune. Such sarcasm! Please Renee, come and write for Saipan Fake News!!!

I'm not sure what classes Renee teaches in Tinian, but I have an idea that she'd have a packed house were she to offer Sarcasm 101 at Tinian High School in the fall.

Bravo, Renee!

If you haven't followed the link to read it yet, I took the liberty of copying and pasting the letter to my blog.

Apology to five Tinian parents

After learning of the situation at Tinian High School it appears I owe five of the parents whose children’s diplomas were in jeopardy an apology. I had your students in my class as well. When they failed in November due to not handing in assignments and not passing tests I expected you to come for a conference to discuss how we could help them meet the requirements of my class.

When you did not do so, I criticized you publicly for parental apathy. And when I scheduled student support meetings with Ms. Hofschneider and you did not attend I criticized you again.

And finally in January when they failed my class, again I criticized you. You see, I thought that Tinian parents supported Ms. Hofschneider’s goal to make Tinian High School one of high academic standards that were strictly enforced so our graduates could migrate to the mainland and compete on a level playing field with the graduates of the blue ribbon schools that feed Harvard, Yale, Columbia, West Point, Duke, Annapolis, the Coast Guard Academy, the Air Force Academy, Stanford, USC and other universities of high repute rather than having to go to community colleges.

It now appears that what Tinian parents desire is for their children to receive a diploma for a four-year attendance only. The children did meet that requirement. So I apologize for my criticisms.

Renee Simao
Tinian

New Blog!!

2009-06-17T08:29:00.003+10:00

Greetings Junior Yappers,

I've got lots to yap about these days after finding a new source of energy. I won't bore you with the losses of my personal life or explain away my lack of posting, but I will happily relay the news of my newest yapsterpiece.

I will continue posting (oor should I say resume) here with plenty of political commentary but I've decided to branch out a bit through the creation of the Saipan Fake News.

The Daily Yapper will be the source of criticism and acclaim for our local folks in the public eye but Saipan Fake News is focused on making light of life in the funny papers. The news department at Yap Co. is always looking for writers, so send your submissions or ideas to saipandailyyapper@gmail.com.

Have a Yapperific Day,

The Yapper

Into Every Life, A Little (Golden) Rain Must Fall

2009-04-17T09:37:00.006+10:00

This is a great time of year for the Marianas. We've got blue skies, green trees and golden showers. The last one might not tickle your fancy, but one Saipan native thought he'd share the Hafa Adai spirit with a woman while traveling from California to Hawaii.

Somehow I don't think she enjoyed being showered with local style affection. Read below:

Man urinated on woman during flight

HONOLULU, April 16 (UPI) -- A federal judge in Hawaii sentenced a man who pleaded guilty to urinating on a fellow airline passenger to 21 days imprisonment.

Jerome Kenneth Kingzio, 28, of Saipan, Northern Marina Islands, pleaded guilty to assault after urinating on a 66-year-old woman during a March 21 flight from Los Angeles to Honolulu, the Honolulu Advertiser reported Thursday.

U.S. Attorney Ed Kubo said the victim had been watching the in-flight movie when Kingzio stood next to her and began urinating.

I guess everyone isn't into getting pissed on a few miles up in the air. What are the odds? For those of you who don't mind a little yellow squirt coming your way, check this out!

Congratulations to Jerome Kenneth Kingzio for making the Yapper's newly revived Sick List. He's in good (or bad) company, and you can check it out for yourself by scrolling down the left side of the page.

Jerome Kenneth Kingzio, you're going to be remembered forever!

Who's the Juan who ruined the retirement Fund?

2009-04-15T19:24:00.013+10:00

Juan Nekai Babuta

...is the reason why the NMI Retirement Fund won't be around in two years. He is also the reason why the NMI purchased La Fiesta and spent $250,000 to enter a float in the 2005 Parade of Roses in Pasadena, California.

Juan "Bang 'Em All Babauta" screwed the CUC and the citizens of the Commonwealth through his failure to allot a dime of his excessively wasteful spending on the deteriorating power plants.

Does the phrase, "Pretty darn good" ring a bell?

Now, the worst governor in the history of the Northern Mariana Islands and fairly good runner, Juan Nekai Babauta is gearing up for the Republican Primary here on Saipan.

The first word that came to mind: Why?

The second word that came to mind: No!

The third, fourth and fifth words: Oh, haaaaaay-ell no!

If he actually wins the election, I surmise the sixth word will be: Vomit

or

Run

or

Corruption

or

Anal Rape

Okay, that's two words but I haven't heard anything about the Patrick Calvo case in a while and I got to thinking about what happened to the guy whose green thumb got caught in the underage cookie jar.

Back to my planet:

I set the dial in the Way Back Machine to September 29th, 2008 so I could pick up a copy of the Marianas Variety because there was a very telling Letter to the Editor that Monday that was written by our local Nostradamus.

In his recent rant to Senor Dandan, Philip Leyland of Navy Hill wrote about a school principal he referred to as "Mr. 77" because his first and last name started with the seventh letter of the alphabet.

Leyland was up in arms about Mr. 77's soapbox soliloquy that bad-mouthed the Fitial administration's lack of anything good when it came to the CUC crisis (remember how bad it was way back then?).

While Leyland shared Mr. 77's gripes, he didn't share his appreciation for the dreadful mistake known to many as the 2001-2005 Babauta-Benavente administration (those guys sucked big hairy hilitai balls).

The seventh letter of the alphabet is G, and GG has to stand for Galvin Guerrero, for all of you just tuning in. I'm not saying he's gay, but the Chamorro Anton Chekov is into plays, musicals, has a plump wife and spends way too much time manicuring his beard.

It's rumored that he also has a Backstreet Boys CD somewhere in his car. Could it be in the back seat? Next to the back door? If he were to lift the handle and trigger the release of the locking mechanism, thus allowing for the door to swing open on its hinges, could you say that he was party to some backdoor action?

That's not my business. What happens in or behind back doors isn't what should make or break a candidate. Speaking of candidates who may often enjoy the oral pleasure of one another, let me get back to my point.

In his Letter to the Editor, Leyland labeled Mr. 77 as a strong Babauta-Benavente supporter and took it a step further by calling him a Babauta-Benavente disciple. But Leyland's coup de grâce was delivered via his accusation of Mr. 77 being the inspiration behind the Rose Parade float fiasco.

I wasn't expecting that one.

Here's one of my favorite parts from Leyland's letter:

Just like the Fitial administration, the Babauta-Benavente administration had the opportunity to finally do the right thing with CUC, but did not. The Babauta administration ignored the dire need for the power plant engines to be overhauled thus setting the stage for CUC’s eventual demise. And of course, the Fitial administration’s band aid solutions sped up the engines death sentence.

Hmmm, I wonder if the idiotic, biggest waste of $200,000 on the Rose Bowl parade float that was the bright idea of the Babauta-Benavente administration the reason for neglecting the engine overhaul plans? Makes me wonder.

Was there a certain Babauta-Benavente cabinet member in charge of the Rose Bowl parade idea? Could it be that Mr. 77 was the Rose Bowl brain child? So what am I really getting at? Well you see, Mr. 77 unfortunately is targeted here because I find his actions at the rally against CUC quite hypocritical.

I like you, Phil. The Yapper likes you...and accepts Food Stamp.

Leystradamus then asked Mr. 77 why he would support either Babauta or Benavente in the 2009 election. I think he received his answer with this sorry YouTube video:

They're calling their ticket "The balance of energy of youth with wisdom of experience." I wonder what kind of experience they're talking about? Flowers? Wasteful spending? Ignoring CUC? Shapely beards?

After my previous post, I don't think I can talk about beards.

*Editor's Note from the angel on my left shoulder who tells me to do the right thing: Galvin is the only good thing about this ticket. Juan Babauta is worse than shaking hands with a Golgotha, but Galvin is a good family man who doesn't deserve the nasty things I wrote about him.

*Editor's Note from the demon on my right shoulder who tells me to do the wrong thing: Fuck that angel bitch and learn to take a fucking joke, you shitfaced cockmaster!

Rumpelstilskin Anyone?

2009-04-15T19:09:00.005+10:00

It's time to wipe the sand from my eyes and get back into the world of hate blogging from Las Islas Pacifico. I woke up with a long gray beard, a trail of drool running down my cheek and a pound of sand in my eyes so let me take a much needed shower and we're off and running once again.
mustbethehumidity, lil hammerhead, greg cruz, saipan's best blog
I'm not sure if I'll shave off my newfound beard just yet because I think the woman folk will take a shine to my new look. I've already received rave reviews from the gay community. They say I look like a young Stanley Torres.
last remaining smart blog on saipan, saipan tribune, marianas variety
Looks like I won't have any worries finding a date to Carnival this year but I wonder if that means I should run for office this year under the Ole Coot Party. More to come soon!

Oh Woe Is Us

2008-12-20T10:19:00.004+10:00

The 2009 Gubenatorial Race is looking to provide the CNMI's citizens with another sizable field of candidate from which to choose. The only question out there now is whether or not any of them will be any good.
saipan, cnmi, rota, tinian, fitial, convict, scam
If it's anything like the 2008 Washington Delegate election, we're in for another snoozer. While we at Yap Central expect more candidates to throw their respective hats into the ring, we've presently only a few names on the ballot.
corruption, jack abramhoff, poor leader
While all of the names submitted are familiar, the bad thing is that all of the names are familiar. So far we've only got five candidates who can be called either washed-up, has-beens, retreads, failures or future losers. You pick which tag you wish to place on them.
benigno fitial, worst governor ever, bad candidate, don't vote for him ever again
Who are they? Allow me to explain them....

Benigno Fitial

The incumbent certainly feels that he has a shot at re-election, but he's got one heck of an uphill climb. The Gubnah has had plenty of obstacles to overcome during his term, and that has played a large part in his abysmal popularity rankings.

The only votes he's going to receive in 2009 will be from his family and the government employees who would stand to lose their job should Fitial lose his seat. I'm not talking about the bush cutters, I'm talking about the incompetent brood that fills some important positions in and around the CNMI.

I'm looking at you Melvin Faisao. A fourth grade education isn't good enough for a cabinet position unless your position is in the kitchen cabinet, pulling out pots and pans to make a drum set. Sorry Mel, but you can't vote twice by raising each one of your hands.

I think that means that the Department of Labor will be getting some new brass as well. Cinta will be out and about while the Howard and Deanne show will be showing on reruns on Capital Hill.

Fitial failed to deliver on his promises, bankrupted our government, robbed Pedro to pay Pablo, wasted our cash by suing the feds and belittled the contract workers (well, that's par for the course for everyone so we'll let him slide on that one).

Sorry, Ben. The next time will likely be your last time. Cheer up, because you'll surely be granted a position with Tan Holdings if you aren't interested in retirement just yet. It's a good thing too because you're part of the reason why there won't be anything left in the CNMI Retirement Fund less than two years from now.

The only thing that Fitial has going for him is that current Lieutenant Governor and soon to be convict Tim Villagomez won't be running with him. Tim once had aims of becoming the governor in 2009. Now all he has to look forward to in the New Year is a wider anus courtesy of the federal penal system.

Up Next: Juan Nekai Babauta

Here's a preview:

This guy was the governor who preceded our current governor and who places second behind the current governor for the worst governor of all-time. I'm not just talking about the CNMI, either. Babauta was so bad that he ran our utilities into the ground before...

Is It Just Me?

2008-12-05T08:02:00.006+10:00

Is it just me or is there a new fire cadet who expressed her dislike for the Fitial administration when she legally changed her last name? You can read the story for yourself in today's Saipan Tribune, but I've cut out the only part you really need to read below:

Christine S. Funkugub, the lone female in the cycle, became the fourth female firefighter in the CNMI. Except for one who is already retired, all female firefighters are on active duty on Saipan.

It just has to be a made-up name. It's too perfect for it to be natural. Like many other things that occur in the CNMI, this can truly be filed under "O" for "Only In Saipan." If not, Christine has to come from a long line of political dissidents.

While I find her name hilarious, I find the efforts of all of these men and women commendable and wish to recognize those who stood out from their class. Welcome all to The Yapper's Honor Roll.

9th Cycle Fire Academy Valedictorian: Joaquin T. Camacho
9th Cycle Fire Academy Salutatorian: Albert Lee T. Aldan
9th Cycle Fire Academy Most Physically Fit: Robert P. Camacho, Jerome Q. Repeki
9th Cycle Fire Academy Top Firefighter: Robert P. Camacho
9th Cycle Fire Academy Gallantry Award: Linus Mizutani Jr.

Joining the overachievers are Jesse D. Arriola Jr., John C. Babauta, Rodney C. Cabrera, Francisco A. Cruz, Gary S. Cruz, Robert C. Cruz, Lorenzo V. Deleon Guerrero, Alejandro M. King, Ralphael L. Magofna, Richard D. Manalo Jr., Benjamin T. Manglona, Elden M. Sablan and Vincent F. Sablan.

In the words of Department of Public Safety Commissioner Santiago F. Tudela, "Don't ever forget that the badge you wear is a faith entrusted in you as a public servant and that badge is as good as the person who wears it.”

Great honor to all of you and the entire 89-member DPS Firefighter for serving our community.

Marianas Variety Censors Comment Section

2008-12-04T23:00:00.010+10:00

What a bunch of bullshit! I thought that the Marianas Variety was going to have something special when it unveiled its revamped website earlier this year thanks in part to it comment section attached to each story.

Readers are able to login and post whatever they wish about the story, but only profane language is edited. For instance, when someone enters the word "shit" in the comment section it is printer as "s**t."

I think they took it a little too far by doing the same for "stupid" and "idiot" but it's their website and they can do what they choose...to a point

What those spineless bitches have done is eliminate individual comments from the section as they deem fit. If you want to harp on the governor, feel free. The only problem is that a phone call to the Marianas Variety from the governor will have that comment erased.

Those motherfucking at the Marianas Variety have removed nearly all of the comments I've made during the past few weeks. It all started with comments about the government, government officials and Taotao Tano's Greg Cruz (one of the association's only two members).

The same thing happened to my recent ridicule of DPS crime scene technician, Florencio Richards. I gave him a hard time for storing his government issued gun with his pugua pack and leaving it in his unlocked car overnight.

When he woke up the following day, his gun was gone and he claimed it was stolen. Apparently, calling a DPS officer irresposnsible for leaving a loaded weapon in his unlocked car overnight while the car is at his house is too much for the Marians Variety to handle.

Maybe they deem this acceptable behaviour or maybe they can't handle the truth. I also mentioned that Florencio Richards is the worst officer on the force and that he ought to be suspended without pay pending an investigation of his missing weapon, at the very least.

I thought he should also be fired for placing the public in jeaopardy.

Is it too much for us to ask that a non-uniformed DPS officer secure his weapon and ammunition while off duty? Does storing a loaded gun in a fanny pack and leaving that fanny pack in an unlocked car at your residence qualify as being secure in anyone's standard operating procedure manual?

The answer is no.

Florencio Richards is an idiot who put the whole community at risk with his carelessness. It's time for him to drop a few paygrades and be put on bicycle patrol in Garapan. Maybe he can handle a whistle and start working his way up to a flashlight.

Here's how the Variety printed the story:

AN officer of the Crime Scene Investigators Unit lost his firearm after his government-assigned vehicle was burglarized on Friday evening.

Acting Department of Public Safety spokesman PO2 Jason T. Tarkong said Florencio Richards, a crime scene technician, reported a burglary and theft incident at about 11:57 a.m. on Friday at his residence in Dandan.

Tarkong said Officer Edwin Aguon responded to the scene and met with Richards. Richards told Aguon that his firearm was secured in his government-issued vehicle.

“Earlier that morning Richards noticed his keys were missing,” Tarkong said. “He said he searched his residence but was unable to locate his keys. When he checked his car, he discovered it unlocked.”

When Richards opened his car, he discovered that his black waist pouch containing his Smith & Wesson 9mm semi-automatic handgun was missing along with its magazines and ammunition. Richards informed his immediate supervisor, Sgt. Augustine Kaneshi, about the incident.

Tarkong said the case is under investigation and the public should contact DPS at 664-9042 or Crime Stoppers at 234-2727 if they have any information about this incident. The Crime Stoppers program pays up to $1,000 for any information leading to an arrest. Caller ID is not used and all calls are anonymous.

This guy might not have lost the gun at all. He could have sold it or lost it and tried using this as an excuse to cover up the incident. I don't know how you can trust a guy like this to protect the community.

If he thinks that most secure place for his weapon is in his vehicle, ask him where he kept his wallet that night. How about his watch? And his badge?

Thanks to the Marianas Variety, I can't call out this moron in the public like he deserves. They can't cry foul about personal attacks either since they kept all of the comments I made about those three confessed killers in the Ballesteros case.

This is the first time I add two names to The Sick List in the same post, but it has to be done. Welcome to infamy, Florencio "Where's My Gun" Richards and the newly censor-happy Marianas Variety online comment section.

A hearty and healthy "Fuck You" to both of you!

New Clothing Line

2008-11-21T17:53:00.007+10:00

Just to gain a distraction from the tragic week we've had in the CNMI, I've decided to open up a new business selling clothing items to the people of the Marianas. For years, I've been sitting on this business plan but I was never motivated enough to do anything about it.

After taking some time to reflect on life's lack of a guarantee, I decided that there's no time like the present because you never know if you're going to have a future. Just ask around Saipan and you'll know exactly what I mean.

For starters, I was thinking about a new line of celebrity t-shirts. Because time and money was in short supply, I was only able to get one of the prototypes out to Joeten this afternoon. Just my luck, there was a Russian tour group who literally swept in from the buses and bought all of them not less than 10 minutes after I put them on the rack.

I'm positive that none of them spoke English so the clever mode of phrasing I employed surely didn't win them over. I thought back to last month when I caught a glimpse of the Russian supermodels who dropped by to Saipan.

That's when it hit me that the Russians are into beautiful people. I knew that there was a chance that I could make a few sales come election time if I started using local politicians as the subject of my work, but I thought the bulk of my sales would come from the local buying public.

Not so. If my little experiment in the apparel biz has taught me anything it's that sex sells. Apparently, it's true when it comes to the Russians. As the air inside Joeten began to fill with the sound of rattling plastic hangars and cash registers, I was so excited that I snapped a photo of the last one that passed though the register. What do you think?

The Misguided Murderers

2008-11-21T16:29:00.003+10:00

So you thought one photo was bad enough? Thanks to one of The Yapper's anonymous readers, I was able to get photos of all of the killers. Thanks a ton for putting a face to the CNMI's filth.

For that, I would gladly make you a Junior Yapper.

Looking at them I almost want to reach back in time and tell them that their whole lives are ahead of them and that they don't have to commit this crime.

Maybe they missed a few meals. Maybe they were abused. Maybe they just missed a few hugs.

They'll get plenty of hugs in jail, but it won't be the ones that they'd enjoy. Most of them will probably be from behind.

Young kids who had their whole lives in front of them took their last breath of freedom on the same night they took Efren Ballesteros' last breath.

The Face Of A Murderer

2008-11-21T15:26:00.004+10:00

Look at this worthless piece of trash. It's Edward Blas, the kid who murdered Efren Ballesteros this week. This is his MySpace profile picture. His parents must be proud of him. Well, that is if they're even around.

Thanks to the reader who sent over the link. Check it out for yourself.

Add 3 Fucks to The Sick List

2008-11-21T12:54:00.005+10:00

Eric Rabauliman (18), Randy Igisomar (16) and Edward Blas (16), you kids are fucking animals. You are a disgrace to the islands and to humanity in general. My your lives in prison be wrought with the same pain and suffering that you doled out to the innocent security guard, Efren Ballesteros.

You three are utterly disgusting. Your souls are dark.

And it's not just you.

Your parents should be ashamed that they spawned filth such as yourselves. Then they should be castigated for failing to raise you. Your homes must be as bad as you and there's no excuse for the lack of parenting.

Congratulations for making The Sick List and giving up any chance at living a normal lives. Also you can forget about getting laid...with a girl anyway. Life in prison should offer the three of you plenty of anal satisfaction, if you like that sort of thing.

For your sake, I hope you do because it's all you're ever going to get.

Why am I so angry?

Follow this link or read below. I recommend following the link so you can read some of the comments from the local community.

No bail for murder suspects

By Gemma Q. Casas - Variety News Staff

THREE teenagers beat to death with a PVC pipe, an iron rebar and a 2x2 wood a 45-year-old security guard assigned to the Marianas High School so they could steal laptops.

All will be charged with murder, including the two juveniles who will be tried as adults.

No bail was set for Eric Rabauliman, 18; Randy Igisomar, 16; and Edward Blas, 16, who separately appeared in Superior Court for a bail hearing.

Rabauliman and Igisomar appeared on Wednesday before Presiding Judge Robert Naraja for their bail hearing, while Blas appeared before Judge David Wiseman yesterday afternoon.

The three will return to court on Nov. 26 for their preliminary hearing and they will be arraigned on Dec. 1.

Chief Prosecutor Kevin Lynch said they have strong evidence against the teenagers.

“Under commonwealth law, a person who is 16 years of age or older, charged with murder, or rape or traffic offenses, shall be tried as an adult,” Lynch said.

The three will also face burglary, robbery and theft charges in relation to the Nov. 17 burglary that led to the death of Efren Ballesteros.

The two juveniles were remanded to the custody of the Juvenile Detention facility. Rabauliman was turned over to the Department of Corrections.

This is not the first time that CNMI prosecutors will try juveniles as adults.

In the 1990s, then 17-year-old Shawn Appleby was sentenced to 40 years in prison for the death of a businessman whom he shot in the head while he and his conspirators were looting the victim’s store.

Blas has been charged with theft, curfew violation and burglary in three other cases.

The motive

Detective Simon Manacop, in his affidavit, said Rabauliman and the two other suspects hatched a plan on Monday night to steal laptops fom MHS.

The three walked all the way from Chalan Kanoa to MHS unarmed. When they reached the campus, Igisomar suggested they obtain weapons first.

Igisomar picked a 2x2 wood. Rabauliman got a .5-inch PVC pipe and Blas took a rebar.

According to the affidavit, the three noticed Ballesteros who was resting on a concrete bench by the hallway in between MHS buildings A&B.

They decided to knock him down first before proceeding to the two classrooms where they took 12 laptops, the affidavit stated.

Manacop said the suspects told him they took turns in attacking Ballesteros.

“Igisomar said he swung the wood first at the security guard not knowing if he hit the shoulder or the head…. Rabauliman and Blas began hitting the guard with what they were carrying,” the detective said.

“After taking several laptops from inside rooms #B201/202, all three of them proceeded to the JROTC building where Blas informed them that there was money inside because they were selling fundraising tickets…. After taking the items, they went out and walked back to check on the security guard whom they saw was still laying down on the bench. Then they went out of the campus, the same way they went in,” the affidavit stated.

Ballesteros’ body was discovered around 6 a.m. on Tuesday by a maintenance worker.

“A skull fracture was visible to the right side of the head partially exposing the brain,” Manacop said.

Police who responded to the scene recovered the shattered pieces of the PVC pipe and 2x2 wood at the crime scene.

After taking the laptops, the three teenagers proceeded back to Chalan Kanoa.

POII Jason Tarkong, the acting public information officer of the Department of Public Safety, said Police Officer Mike Palacios who was patrolling the Chalan Kanoa neighborhood spotted the three at a laundry shop.

Inside the plastic bag that one of them was carrying were some laptops and a blue-shirt with blood stains, Tarkong said.

The arrest of the suspects was also made possible by an anonymous tipster to the Crime Stoppers, he added.

DPS is commending all the officers involved in the speedy resolution of this homicide case, Tarkong said.

He added, “I would like to recognize the hard work of Detective Simon Manacop, the lead case agent, Sgt. Sylvan Rangamar the officer in charge of [the Criminal Investigation Bureau], and their investigators for an outstanding job. In addition, I would like to mention good police work by Patrol Officer Mike Palacios for recovering the stolen items, and the Crime Stoppers tip that help lead to the arrest of the suspects.”

To The Congresswoman From Guam

2008-11-20T04:42:00.007+10:00

Dear Madeleine Z. Bordallo,
guam, guam sucks, congress
You're a worthless cunt whose claim to fame was your husband. One day, the world will run out of silly putty and you won't be able to fill the potholes of your face. When that happens, the misguided Guamanian fucks who vote for you will start to see who you really are.
cnmi, gregorio kilili sablan, saipan
Then they're going to call Prince Charming and inform him that they found the wrinkled up old hag that gave Sleeping Beauty the poisoned apple. Then look out, sister!
marianas trench marine monument
Sincerely,
fishing, pacific, wespac, john gourley
The Yapper
we love saipan, the daily yapper, marianas visitors authority
Really Madeleine Z, you are a worthless sack of old bones that sponged your way to prominence long ago and has managed to hang on to your position as long as you've been able to hang on to that shaggy sloth pelt you wear on your head.
best blog on saipan, tinian, rota, cnmi
You're put together like an old Mrs. Potato Head and the parts are going to start falling off soon. It's just a matter of time before that nose jumps ship. Your opposition to the proposed Marianas Trench Marine Monument is as misguided as the worthless lot who follows you around with a vacuum as you shed your gray pubes.
cnmi, commonwealth of the northern mariana islands
Please stay away from our Delegate to the US Congress! Your bitter soul will never find warmth in Guam, so please don't suck the life out of our guy to satisfy your vampiric thirst for fresh meat.
united states of america, willie tan, jack abrahmoff
To say that you're a power hungry dirty old whore would be an insult to power hungry dirty old whores. You, my dear, are a filthy bandwagoneer whose professional life has been advanced along via the misinformation superhighway and your crusty old diseased cavern you refer to as your vagina.

Slow go today

2008-11-04T14:26:00.003+10:00

I guess nobody blogs on their days off. Just goes to show that just about our entire blogging readership is peeping in on our pages during their working hours. Tsk, tsk, tsk. That goes for you elected types up on the hill as well as the poor slobs scrubbing toilets.

And this guy...

It will be interesting to see who wins the election and what kind of turnout we get for our first ever CNMI delegate to the U.S. Congress. An even bigger question is how the election will be run now that Kilili won't be overseeing his previously well-oiled machine.

On Tomorrow's Vote...

2008-11-03T19:27:00.017+10:00

My blogging mentor and moral compass, Lil Hammerhead, recently expressed her desire for the CNMI's voters to come out with pride for tomorrow's election that will name out delegate to the U.S. Congress.

I want everyone to come out and cast their ballot, too! But I want to first offer a few words to the voting public.

If you're planning on voting for Chong Man Won, stay home. Really, it's not worth leaving your house and wasting your gas and vote on a guy who won't win the election anyway. This guy has a few numbers to rattle off if you ask him about his plans, but it's the same old stuff you hear at all of his rallies. I don't doubt that his heart is in it, I just don't think that he has what it takes to go from an errand boy to CEO overnight.

If you're planning on voting for Juan Lizama, you might as well go to J's Restaurant on Middle Road and enjoy the smoke-filled air. The smoke should mix well with your clouded judgment and maybe you won't bother getting out of your chair and save us all a little headache from what this pompous ass would do to our reputation. I like his professional background, I just don't like his personal background. He's a jerk, and I'm only being kind here because g00$e said that I've matured as a writer.

If you're planning on voting for this guy, then please vote for me to be the special assistant to the Secretary of the Department of Community and Cultural Affairs because we'll need to give him a steady diet of what it is to be local. All SPAM aside, I don't think we need him representing us because he might actually do a good job and make the people in congress think that we've got our shit together over here. Nope, we need someone else who is fucked up to win the seat.

If you're happy with the way things have gone for us in the past then this is the guy you need to vote for. Sure we pay a little more every time he flies because the airlines won't let people his height fly by themselves, but he seems to know his way around the killer D.C. loop! I hope that whomever wins this election knows what they're doing. While I'm not with Pete A. on plenty of things, at least he won't need to find his way around the beltway. He might be the right guy to get us up and running but he's not the long term guy for us.

If you're voting for Senator Crisostimo, I really am not worried about you making it to the polls anyway. Sure, he most likely paid you off by giving you money for your CUC, but my guess is that you never paid CUC because you blew all of the cash in one of his poker parlors. If by some chance they can pry your ass out of the seat before the polls close and bring you to the ballot box, please choose someone other than the silver-tongued menace. He's not going to help you and you already know that. He's the kind of guy who will invite you over for a beer but won't let you inside of his house because you're not important enough.

If you're planning on voting for Felipe Atalig you really need to be checked out. Seriously, the only thing on this guy's campaign platform is himself with a microphone. Nearby is a television screen giving him all the words to the song. He actually had a chance at winning until he opened his mouth. I didn't realize you could sound that dumb, but you actually can.

If you're planning on voting for Juan Gonzales, I understand. You're wrong, but I understand. You must have missed the debate. I actually wanted the bright-eyed youngster to get a taste of dealing with the Americans...until I heard him at the debate. That's when I switched from calling him "Bolis" to "Ballless." Every time I heard him reply to John Anderson's question with one of his own I wanted to slap the mwarmwar off of his head. Oops, but he wasn't even wearing it that night. Sorry John, but "The question is..." who the fuck coached you before that debate?

If you're planning on voting for David Cing you need to lock yourself in one of Marpi's bomb shelters and not come out for a very long time. Why? Because a vote for David Cing is like verifying to congress that we are a bunch of idiots. I've heard him speak at a rally on Tinian and Cing couldn't articulate his leg into his pants without the help of a highly trained team of assistants. He's about as valuable as the lint in my navel. Seriously Democratic Party, you should be ashamed of yourself.

If you're planning on voting for Kilili, I feel you dawg, I feel you. I just think you're making a mistake if you're voting for him on purpose. Greg is a nice guy and has said a number of nice things during his campaign. While he did an admirable job running the CNMI's elections, I just don't want him to win this one because he's not the guy for the job. That said, if I tripped on my way to the voting booth and accidentally cast my ballot for him I'd feel fine about it.

While we're on the topic of voting, I was honored by The Saipan Blogger when he added me to a poll of anonymous local bloggers. I really don't care if I win because I'm years behind Lil Hammerhead and the founders of the Anonymous Blogger Foundation, Saipan Middle Road.

They're truly deserving of the title and I expect to place in third out of the three. Given the crowd of others who weren't even considered in the poll, it's cool that I'm part of the three.

Online Surveys & Market Research

New Movie Theater On Saipan

2008-11-03T18:48:00.006+10:00

The Yapper was in high spirits when Hollywood Theater reopened after its month-long blackout, but there are still a couple of days in the week when the movie going public is without a home as the local movie house goes dark on Tuesdays and Wednesdays.
the daily yapper, stanley torres, cnmi, saipan, tinian, rota, we love saipan, saipan daily yapper
That all changed yesterday when the newest motion picture sensation to hit the Northern Mariana Islands launched with much fanfare. The price of admission is ridiculously lower than that of its San Jose counterpart, but both buildings are equally air conditioned to the point of arctic comfort.
hollywood theater, blockbuster video, i robot, movies, chamorro, carolinian, yap, yapese
Since Blockbuster block-busted down the doors of the closest ship to get outta here, the only places left to catch a flick is at the new cinema on Capital Hill. I was lucky enough to catch the first showing at the newly named "LegiPlex Showcase" and I was not at all disappointed.
best blog on saipan, cnmi, guam, managaha
Since I am a fan of choice, I was a little saddened to know that there was only one movie being played. I wasn't able to find any reviews from the U.S. film critics, but I think there are enough of local movie buffs to provide the inside scoop from on high.
scuba diving, saipan tribune, marianas variety, kspn
The only movie playing on Capital Hill is a couple of years old but believe it or not, it features some local talent! I was as surprised as everyone else in the packed house when the opening credits began to roll across the silver screen and I'm not ashamed to say I even applauded before the show got underway. mustbethehumidity, lil hammerhead
Forgive me. I'm purposely being a little vague about the movie title, the storyline and the local talent because I don't want to give away any of the plot points. Don't worry if you weren't able to catch the show at the "LegiPlex Showcase" because the staff will be running the same thing over and over until we're sick of seeing the same thing again and again.

April Fools in November?

2008-11-03T10:49:00.010+10:00

I know that Chamorro Standard Time completely ignores the rest of the world and it's foolish concept of Daylight Savings Time (that's so Mavericky"), but I didn't realize that the CNMI could randomly place dates throughout the calendar.
saipn, cnmi, tinian, rota, we love saipan
When I woke up this morning to listen to a skinny bald guy on the radio replace the husky bald guy who is usually on the radio, I powered up Y.A.P. 3000 to get a good look at the online edition of our daily news.
benigno fitial, saipan, chamorro, chamorru
The date on the front page was clearly Monday, November 3rd, but the Marianas Variety staff clearly played an April Fool's Day trick on the commonwealth when it reported that Governor Benigno Fitial has received re-election support from people whose names do not include the names Benigno and/or Fitial.
marianas variety, saipan tribune, kspn 2
Read below:

GOVERNOR Benigno R. Fitial on Friday said some members of the Republican and Democratic parties are pledging their support for his re-election bid. Fitial said these Democrats and Republicans told him that they “regretted” not supporting him in the last elections.

According to the governor, some of these individuals were identified with former Republican Gov. Juan N. Babauta. Two top leaders of Democratic Party have also expressed their intention to be his running mate next year, Fitial said.

Some people from both parties, he added, have probably realized that he is working hard to improve the CNMI’s very critical economic conditions. “I’ve been working very hard ever since I became governor,” he said. “I work everyday. I have a lot of things on the table and I’m focused on trying to manage the government despite its very limited resources,” Fitial said.

There are other disgruntled Republicans and Democrats who are approaching the ruling Covenant Party, he said. “They want to align with me and my party,” he added.

The governor said his campaign committee was organized as early as four months ago and has been conducting regular meetings since then. The selection of a new running mate for Fitial is one of the primary tasks of the committee. Lt. Gov. Timothy P. Villagomez has returned to the Republican Party and will not run with Fitial next year.

That last line was the best. It was written as if it would hurt Fitial but I actually think that's the only thing that our current governor has going for him. Whenever anyone accuses him of doing a bad job, he can always say, "Well, at least Tim won't be running with me next time!"
saipan daily yapper, the yapper, yap, yappese, carolinians
I couldn't stop laughing when I read this story because it had to be a joke. Just to make sure, I called the Marianas Variety this morning to applaud them on their use of humor and satire. This was the funniest thing that the Variety put out since their joke about the "Green Pages" and "Yellow Journalism."
guam, northern marianas islands, oceania
Bravo, Marianas Variety.

UPDATE:

Some very concerned Junior Yappers have informed me that their research revealed that this story was indeed real and not the joke I perceived it to be. In light of this new information, I was compelled to write a little more on the subject of Benigno Fitial's re-election campaign.

First some advice to the good governor:

DON'T DO IT!

What, are you fucking crazy? Jesus H. Christ, you're a fucking moron if you think that you actually have a chance at sitting in the same chair following the next election. People came to you for a change, but not the kind of change that you brought about.

FUCKING FORGET IT, OLD MAN!

Governor Fitial won't get enough votes to win even if he were to stations Ray Mafnas, the washed-up thug, at every polling place with his sleeves rolled up while wearing a tight fitting shirt that exposed his once tough chest that has since deteriorated into a set of sagging man-titties.

YOU'RE NOT SURROUNDED BY SUPPORTERS!

That group of people around you shouting is not your clan of fans, it's a lynch mob. You seriously need to wheel your feeble ass outta there as soon as possible and turn off their power for such insolence.

GET THEIR NAMES!

If you really think that you're going to have all of those supporters by your side in 2009, I suggest that you write them down and publicize them. They would likely come out and support in public if they really exist and then maybe people would actually believe you.

WE'RE NOT THAT STUPID!

Sorry BF (stands for Benigno Fitial, but could also stand for butt fucker [not that there's anything wrong with that] or buddy fucker), but if you really had the kind of support you're talking about it wouldn't be you who was talking about it.

As far as I see it, your re-election campaign is like an ARMY of one. A broken down lying ARMY of one.

You might have had a chance at the Washington Delegate position because there's nine worthless candidates and your addition to the ballot would have given anyone with a dozen friends a legitimate shot of making us all look like an island community of dumb asses.

My thoughts on the candidates next.

Yawn!

2008-10-16T18:46:00.005+10:00

After an extended leave of absence due to personal reasons, I'm back! All you scurvy bitches and crooks have a lot to answer for, so get ready to face the firing squad. Time to eat my first meal on Saipan in what seemed like an eternity. In the meantime, all you corrupt mother fuckers need to get the fuck out of your seats and find Jesus.

No, not Iguel. I'm talking about the fella who carried the cross up to Mt. Tapo-shopping, suffered, died, was buried, rose again, came out of the cave, saw his shadow and proclaimed six more weeks of winter.

I love a parade, but the parade of idiots we have in government office is making me a little uneasy. We live in a place where people take TTT ssseriously and listen to a fucking space case talk to his imaginary Tan Canda.

Something's not right these days so thank God that I'm back to dish out some of the beatings that these douchebags need so badly.

I'm looking at you, Gonzalo...

He's The President?

2008-08-13T10:50:00.003+10:00

Wait just one minute! I didn't vote for him! When was the election? I want a recount!

Don't most elected presidents pose with smiles on their faces? This looks a little more like a dictator pose.

Well, maybe not the "tator" part.

I can't bang the war drum on Taotao Tano because a lot of their anti-CUC rhetoric may have aided FBI investigators during their intensive "Rydlyme-gate" research.

While they might not have directly contributed to the case against Lieutenant Governor (for now) Timothy Villagomez, his sister, brother-in-law, and former CUC Director Anthony Guerrero, Taotao Tano may have provided the back-up singers to Satan's Chorus.

Since nobody is going to be able to sharpen a pencil at CUC for a while without going through a government check on efficiency, it may be a good time for Taotao Tano to focus its efforts on another area of the government for local fraud, waste and abuse.

Any ideas where they might start?

Fuck China!

2008-07-31T07:38:00.004+10:00

As if I needed another reason to criticize one of the worst countries in the world. Sure they're developing at an incredible rate, but China is about as bad a country as has ever existed in the world.

I really hate this evil government, and this is coming from someone who isn't religious about it like the conservative head up their asses republican types. China is just a bad place run by bad people making bad decisions.

Long story short, China is bad so FUCK THEM!

Why today's rage against the Asian economic powerhouse? Because those evil commie bastards are attempting to censor all reports from the international press during the 2008 Olympics. Those fuckers might be able to stifle the majority of their 1.6 billion sheep but fuck them if they think they can keep their crummy human rights record a secret with the world's press in country.

They knew that the international media would come along with the athletes for the games but they've chosen to let slip their little veil of literary hijacking only now with just a handful of days remaining before the opening ceremonies.

Bastards.

I hate China, although I do not hate Chinese people in general. But I do hate their generals, generally speaking.

Are you for Beijing censoring the international media during the 2008 Summer Olympics? Not me. Why not vote about it. Time for a poll, I think.

Cing-ing in the rain

2008-07-25T17:07:00.006+10:00

So when is one required to resign their elected position should one decide to run for another position? I've heard it's when one files the necessary papers required to officially declare one's candidacy.

I say an emphatic, "Bullshit!"

If you're putting up signs around the island that read, "Vote for me" then you're fucking running and anything you say to the contrary is a heaping load of shit. Luis, fucking declare already so we can rid our lousy government of it's lousiest member.

P.S.

I love you.

More to come about my second favorite candidate tomorrow (if I get the files I've requested).

Kudos to Tina!

2008-07-23T14:44:00.004+10:00

Finally, someone is doing something the right way on Capital Hill. I don't know if it's the altitude or if it's the bullshit that gets to people's heads when they're voted into office here in the CNMI, but things get really fucked up when you ad a government title to your name.

At least that's the case here on Saipan.

Somehow, against all odds a valiant young woman continues her march against corruption from the inside. She's already got a seat in the Legislature and a discretionary account, but Tina Sablan is working to make every expenditure of every office holder public knowledge.

The fact that anyone holding office would oppose should serve as a political death sentence, but that doesn't work for our resident muckraker and purveyor of the flavor saver, Stanley "Mc Guinness" Torres.

Funny enough was this part of the story:

While the Open Government Act applies to all other government agencies, the Legislature passed a law in 1994 to exempt itself from the act’s provisions. The petition calls for a law re-applying the government transparency law to the Legislature.

Everyone who voted in favor of this law should be barred from ever holding public office because they clearly don't give two shits about anyone other than themselves.

For all of your hard work and determination I offer this humble message of congratulations to you, Tina, for making The Honor Roll!

Enough from me. Here's the story as it appeared in the Saipan Tribune:

1.6K signatures back transparency petition

Approximately 1,600 additional signatures were submitted to the Attorney General's Office late Monday afternoon in support of a petition for a more transparent Legislature.

Proponents of the petition need at least 512 valid signatures, in addition to the 1,900 previously submitted and verified, to get the initiative on the ballot in the November election. The initiative proposes to amend the law to apply the Open Government Act to the Legislature.

“Hopefully, that [1,600 signatures] is a good enough margin of error for at least 512 signatures to be valid,” said Rep. Tina Sablan, the main proponent of the petition, which she started as a private citizen last year.

Even if the signatures are found sufficient, proponents of the proposal still face the unresolved legal question of whether or not the initiative can be placed on the ballot this year.

The Constitution requires that initiatives to amend the Constitution or a general law be placed on the ballot at a regular general election. The Attorney General's Office has issued an opinion that the current legal definition of a “regular general election” only includes elections held in odd-numbered years on the first Saturday of November.

For initiatives to be voted on this election, the Legislature needs to change the definition of “regular general election” or call a concurrent special election, Deputy Attorney General Gregory Baka has said.

Sablan said her group is considering an alternative action. “We would appeal to the Election Commission to consider other legal perspectives that hold that the federal law that mandates the delegate election this year changed everything-the Covenant, the Constitution, and CNMI election laws, with or without action from the local legislature explicitly amending the definition of 'regular general election,'” she said.

“But of course none of this would be an issue if the delegate bill pending in the [CNMI] Senate right now is signed into law, because that acknowledges the election law changes that were made when US Public Law 110-229 was enacted,” she added.

The federal law granted the Northern Marianas a non-voting delegate in the U.S. House of Representatives. The first ever delegate will be elected on Nov. 4, 2008.

While the Open Government Act applies to all other government agencies, the Legislature passed a law in 1994 to exempt itself from the act’s provisions. The petition calls for a law re-applying the government transparency law to the Legislature.

Economic Slowdown Exposes Those Without Hearts

2008-07-13T13:30:00.018+10:00

I'm starting to think that this whole economic slowdown might not be all that bad. Think about what's going on and reference that against what the locals are saying. And by locals, I'm not talking about the Carolinians.

The "We're too proud of ourselves for our own good" Chamorros are not happy about what's going on with their government even though they're the ones who have been steadily ravaging their own people for decades.

The Chamorros certainly aren't to blame for all of Saipan's woes as there are plenty of Carolinians to blame for the state of the Commonwealth, namely the man who is currently running the show on Capital Hill.

How spoiled have the locals become over the years? I actually heard this young woman talk about her reasons for leaving Saipan and was revolted to hear about her "troubles" forcing her hand.

"We've got to conserve our power. We've never had to conserve anything," she said.

Buck up, chica! You're going to bail on your island because you've got to tighten your belt a bit and save on your power bill? Are you proud to be a Chamorro or are you just a girl who was born on an island and only cares about it on sunny days?

Well, Jesus H. Christ! You make me sick. What are you going to do when times are tough on the mainland? Do you always expect to be doing well financially? Kiss that shit goodbye because one day you're going to have to learn how to be an adult and deal with problems.

The Filipinos seem to answer their economic woes by counterfeiting everything known to man and by shipping their only asset overseas: their workers. Once they get out of the archipelago it seems that they never want to go back. Sure they send money back home, but are they doing anything to help the country as a whole?

No.

But how can they root out all of their government's corruption? I don't think they can. The country is far too big and their problems far too vast. I don't think that the fate of the CNMI is destined to match that of the Philippines.

We're smaller and our screwed up government can be turned around so long as our younger generation can withstand the daily assault from the older, entrenched and wicked people who hold the reins these days.

As for the need to conserve, people act like that's a bad thing. Nobody like to budget their resources, but if that's something that has to be done in order to remain in one's cultural home and preserve one's heritage, then so be it.

The problem with some of the local Chamorros is that they think that they're too good to budget their resources on a personal level. Is it really a calamity that one turns off the hot water heater, unplugs appliances, and limits their use of air conditioning?

For fuck's sake people, it's not the end of the world.

We've got some trouble ahead with the CUC, that's for sure, but the price of gas is going up all over the world and your utilities will follow suit. It's not the end of the world so fucking stand up and fight for your home, damn it!

This isn't necessarily aimed at the dumb folks. The CNMI has plenty of idiots and as far as I'm concerned they can all go to The States and flip burgers for the rest of their lives. The people who need to stick around and right the ship are the young educated leaders of tomorrow.

By leaving, the bright ones aren't only helping themselves, their aiding the downfall of the Chamorro way of life because the dumb ones will fall for every slick politician who promises salvation.

Losers led by fucking snakes. How do you think that the Taotao Tano was allowed it's shot at prominence? Because that's the only group of locals left to battle the bad guys. Only problem is that they are also a bunch of unemployed bad guys with time on their hands.

Basically all I'm trying to say is that the Chamorros who can actually make a difference apparently don't give a flying fuck about the CNMI. I guess that's fine seeing as the how ones who get elected into office don't seem to give two shits about Saipan, Tinian or Rota more than their pocketbooks.

Congratulations, Harry!

2008-07-04T10:43:00.006+10:00

A thunderous round of applause is in order for Harry Blalock, station manager for both KZMI and KCNM radio stations for he has earned his place among a distinct fraternity of excellence known simply as The Sick List.

Yes Harry, for your stance on legalizing handguns in the CNMI, you will forever be honored (or rather dishonored) in a way deserving only of those who err so greatly in judgment. Legalizing handguns would be a horrible thing to do on Saipan, Tinian and Rota.

This has nothing to do with federalizing labor and immigration, but rather everything to do with safety. Not all of us have steel plates guarding our domes and lumps of coal occupying the most vital area of our chest cavity.

Don't worry Harry, your opinion is known and your reputation will not change a bit with your revolver revelation. Enjoy The Sick List, Harry. You earned it.

This Little Piggy Went To Market...

2008-06-27T15:50:00.003+10:00

I heard that Porky's closed. Could this be in the wake of the supposed boycott or is this another sign of the times? Perhaps it's just another business drowning in debt on a cloudy day that is about to rain an additional $.50/hour upon all minimum wage earning employees.

Any thoughts or squeals?

Hang Handgun Harry!

2008-06-27T09:11:00.004+10:00

I couldn't believe my ears this morning! As per my usual morning routine, I rose from the Yap Chamber to the sounds of Island Issues with Harry Blalock and Lewie Tenorio. As always, Friday is a special day for a special guy as "Uncle" Dave Sablan took to the airwaves with his usual "unique" style.

The show opened with them talking to ancient swimmer, Jim Bell, the 70-year-old swimmer who stroked his way from Tinian unescorted until he reached Saipan some four and a half hours later. Bell said that he plans to swim a lap around Saipan during the month of July, albeit by taking small bites out of the nearly 80-mile journey a day at a time.

That took the Yapper into the mid-show break thinking that there would be more from the Old Man of the Sea, but I was shocked to hear host Harry exalt the virtues of handgun ownership as well as the CNMI's need to change it's laws to mirror the United States of America.

Why?

According to the story on www.cnn.com, the U.S. Supreme Court ruled Thursday that a sweeping ban on handguns in the nation's capital violated the Second Amendment right to bear arms.

What?

Pretty much everyone in the U.S. of A. is allowed to own a handgun unless they're a convicted fellon. This all because the justices "struck down the ban in a 5-4 decision, with Justice Antonin Scalia writing the opinion for the majority."

While the Mayor of Washington D.C. and Chicago have come out in opposition immediately, our local talk show host came out quite the opposite. Scary Harry said that the CNMI should immediately change its laws to reflect the new decision from the Supreme Court because the U.S. rule of law supersedes those of the CNMI.

On top of that, Harry said that the CNMI would be a safer place were handguns permitted., explaining further that, "Maybe criminals would have to think twice about whether or not to rob somebody because they might shoot them."

Good point. It's also a good idea to have everyone have a mini-nuke in every Taiwanese refrigerator just in case the Chinese think about attacking us. Maybe then they'd think twice about moving in.

WTF? Are you fucking kidding me, Harry? Obviously you're smoking some kind of bad crack. Don't you think that our local bad guys would employ the use of firearms in the commission of their crimes? And no, I'm not talking about Stanley. I think he's packing heat under his beard anyway.

Seriously Harry, don't you see a Saipan becoming a more dangerous place with firearms? I'm not talking about a .22 rifle or a shotgun (currently legal in the CNMI). Look at the way sentences are handed down to people today. Tell me what 30 days in jail, all suspended except for three days served, will do to ensure the public safety when the first guy who robs one of Luis Crisostimo's a poker parlors?

Think about what will happen in Japan and Korea when the the first stick-up happens in Marpi or on the beach pathway? Think beaches will be enough to lure tourists then? You're fucking high.

Why not use the World's Smallest Handgun (seen above) to blow away your World's Smallest Brain? That would be a good start at making the CNMI a safer place to live. The next step will be putting Dave Sablan out to pasture.

What Do You Think?

2008-06-09T11:11:00.006+10:00

Should Saipan cut its ties with Tinian and Rota and let them fend for themselves? I really don't know what the islands offer each other as a Commonwealth at all. Maybe cutting the fat will do each island well.

-Saipan has most of the financial value but that doesn't make it the best. It can stand alone for sure.

-Tinian is the pot capital of the CNMI and is a military training base waiting to happen (again). I wonder how much the price of grass will jump locally once the military takes over 2/3 of Tinian.

-Rota is nothing but an inedible wedding cake. It beauty is unrivaled among the three , but what else is there of value?

Sure all three are beautiful, but only one island is able to pay for itself. We can get rid of the municipal councils, the mayors, half of congress, and start running things cost effectively.

The mayors of Rota and Tinian regard themselves as kings anyway so why not let them rule the roost for good?

So what do you think?

Opinion Polls & Market Research

Way Ahead Of You, Guys!

2008-06-09T09:22:00.002+10:00

It's always a pleasure to wake up to a hot cup of coffee and the morning paper (well, the on
line version anyway). Nothing kicks off the day quite like reading through the world's headlines and reconnecting with the rest of humanity.

My favorite headline this morning was this from the USA Today and CNN:

Gas hits national average of $4 for first time

Whoa, way ahead of you boys! And the feds think that they're setting the standard, sheesh!

We've been well over the $4 mark for months and we'll probably hit $5 by the end of the year. It's a sad thing that a gallon of gas is worth more than an hour of work for most people in the CNMI.

What a slap that must be to the gas station employees who have to buy their company product to get to the station in the first place. Sad, sad, sad.

Cheap Shot of the Week

2008-06-05T16:00:00.008+10:00

"Um, Mrs. Clinton, may we have your 2nd place pose, please?" Isn't this the pose that won her second place in the White House bedroom? Well it might have worked against her once again. If Hilary would have only opened her mouth in this position years ago, we never would have heard of Monica.

For Christ's Sake, Already

2008-06-05T07:34:00.003+10:00

There's nothing wrong with having sex in strange places (like the back seat of a Volkswagon), in fact the changing of locations often heightens the experience. Whether you're indoors, outdoors, in the bedroom or on the hood of a car, sex is fun.

While some people get their rocks off by having a quickie at the park or on the beach, a couple in Italy were caught in the act pulling a Monica in the confessional. That takes some serious matzah balls.

Here's the story from cnn.com:
(CNN) -- A man and a woman have been charged by police in Italy after they were found having sex in a confession box, it was reported Wednesday.

The Italian ANSA news agency said the young man and woman were taken into custody by police in the northern city of Cesena following a telephone complaint from a man attending morning Mass in the city's cathedral.

Authorities were alerted after a parishoner heard "rustling and groaning" coming from inside the confession box and pulled back the curtains to reveal a goth-rock couple engaged in oral sex, ANSA said.

The agency said the pair -- a 31-year-old laborer and a 32-year-old teacher -- defended their conduct saying: "We are atheists and for us, having sex in church is like doing it any other place."

However, Bishop Antonio Lanfranchi of Cesena-Sarsina took said the couple's behavior was "an outrage of notable proportions which bespeaks unutterable squalor."

He added that a special ceremony would be held to purify the confession box.

My guess is that the "special ceremony" involves the Holy Mop of Antioch and that they're going to import the Holy Water from our Santa Lourdes shrine here on Saipan. A bigger question lost in this story is why a couple in their 30's is still into goth-rock? Isn't that just for pimply faced teenagers trying to look cool in an alternative fashion?

Perhaps the biggest question: If you were offered some hot oral in a church, would you turn it down?

Fitial Accomplishes Something Positive

2008-06-04T10:31:00.017+10:00

Call him Ben Tan, call him a bum, call him what you will. But don't say that CNMI Governor Benigno Fitial didn't accomplish anything positive during his four-year term as Head of State.

Why?

Read this morning's Saipan Tribune to find out how the entire CPA board of directors resigned en masse. According to Agnes Donato's story, the board members who have resigned are Antonio Camacho, Connie Igisomar, Joe Lifoifoi, Alejo Mendiola, and Ray Cing.

Oh but that's not the best part. Included in the list of "resignees" was part-time dirtbag and full-time scoundrel Rex I. Palacios. Yes, you know sexy Rexy. He's the same guy who screwed the pooch on the Pacific Gardenia and 2006 Micronesian Games.

What else? How about the Saipan International Airport? Wonder why the generators weren't fixed at the only airport in the CNMI accepting major international flights? Ask around and you'll hear the same thing from all of your sources.

Think of Rex as kind of the opposite of King Midas. Where everything Midas touched turned to gold, everything Rex touches turns to shit. Don't let him become a member of Beautify CNMI! because that ship is sailing just fine.

So, while I never thought I'd say it, thank you Governor Fitial

The only problem with Rex is that he always seems to land another job I don't know why? The guy is a dick who knows how to turn on the charm when necessary He's a boozer and a schmoozer Rex always fucks things up, so why does he always get another chance to do so? And why is it usually at a higher position than his previous fuck up?

It's like you chop one Rex head off and two more appear

Well, on reason is that he's got some friends in high places I don't know if bailing on the Governor now will ensure that solid friendship he was going for these past few years

Bonus: How many faces of Rex are there on this post?

Fair Is Fair

2008-06-02T06:27:00.007+10:00

Since some of the CNMI's crappy politicians are required to resign their post in order to run for another public office, shouldn't crappy TV show hosts be required to do the same? I only ask because John Oliver Gonzales officially tossed his mwarmwar into the ring for this November's CNMI delegate race.

Read this morning's Saipan Tribune or just look below:

And The There Were Seven

Television talk show host John Oliver Gonzales is the latest candidate to enter the delegate race, bringing to seven the number of those who have confirmed plans to run for the post.

Gonzales announced on Saturday his bid to become the Northern Marianas' first delegate to the U.S. House of Representatives. He is running as an independent candidate. Currently serving as the director of the Department of Public Lands' mining division, Gonzales has worked for the government in various capacities since 1993. He has also hosted the John Gonzales LIVE talk show program on Flametree KSPN 2, formerly MCV, for the past 15 years.In an interview, Gonzales said the delegate job is much like hosting a talk show.

“As a delegate, your principal obligation is to bring issues to the people, allow them to voice their concerns, and take those concerns to our leaders in Washington, D.C. If I'm elected, I will be a medium, a facilitator between the U.S. Congress and our people,” he said.

Gonzales said his priority is to ensure the CNMI gets the maximum possible economic and capital infrastructure benefits from the anticipated military buildup in the region. He also plans to lobby for immediate bailout money for the local utility, tourism, and workforce training.

Go$nzales said his strengths lie in his “humble beginnings, untainted reputation, and lack of connection to any special interest.” He trumpeted his strong academic background-he holds a master's degree in international management from University of Phoenix and graduated summa cum laude with a political science degree from Washington State University. He also had experience working in Washington, D.C. as an intern with the U.S. Department of the Interior in 1992.

He said his supporters include former Lt. Gov. Jesus R. Sablan, former Northern Marianas College president Agnes M. McPhetres, and attorney Robert T. Torres, who was previously rumored to be running for delegate.

Others who have expressed their intent to run for the post are Resident Rep. Pete A. Tenorio, Sen. Luis P. Crisostimo, Rep. Ray N. Yumul, retired Judge Juan T. Lizama, Commonwealth Election Commission executive director Gregorio Sablan, and attorney Victorino Torres.

The election is on Nov. 4, 2008. The official period for submitting candidacy papers is from July 7 to August 6, 2008. Television talk show host John Oliver Gonzales is the latest candidate to enter the delegate race, bringing to seven the number of those who have confirmed plans to run for the post.Gonzales announced on Saturday his bid to become the Northern Marianas' first delegate to the U.S. House of Representatives. He is running as an independent candidate.

I like John, but this kid doesn't have what it takes to be our first delegate to the U.S. Congress. It was just a little while ago when he cried about being shot down for a job at NMC. Now he's ready to represent the CNMI on the mainland? I don't think so.

What do you think?

Maybe John should consider changing his name to avoid being linked with an international scandal. What am I talking about? Follow this link about John Gonzales and you'll read all of the details.

Who Do I Like For Delegate?

2008-05-30T17:05:00.004+10:00

That's the $10,000,000 question. I was asked that by a reader (doesn't it sound so cool that I have readers?) and he (or she) followed with a list of candidates for this November's election. I gave each of my answers a lot of thought and I eventually came up with the CNMI's best possible delegate to Congress.

Here's what transpired (and here's the link):

BOARD OF ERECTIONS said...

Take your pick of Delegates
JUDGE LIZAMA
KING KILILI
SOLDIER BOY YUMUL
POKER CRISOSTIMO
TALK SHOW HOST GONZALEZ
ATTORNEY VIC TORRES
PETE CHIHUAHUA A. TENORIO
JOHNNY B GOOD BABUATA
LYNN BJ KNIGHT
ELOY "WHERE'S THE MONEY?" INOS

WHAT DO YOU THINK YAP DUDE.
May 30, 2008 4:22 PM

The Daily Yapper said...

Kilili doesn't have what it takes but he's a
good guy that would do well for the people
of the CNMI here.

As for Yumul, I need to learn more about
him. Other than being the target of a
Jollibee boycott he's been relatively quiet.

I wouldn't bet on Crisostimo caring for the
CNMI any further than his wallet will take
him. He says the right things but he's dirty.

Juan Gonzalez says the right things and
isn't a bad kid, but he would be handed his
lunch in D.C. He's not the type to run with
those big dogs because he doesn't have
enough self-confidence.

Vic Torres? He's a creep who drinks and
plays too much poker.Nope, leave him to
do his bidding here at home. He just wreaks
of immorality and he would do just about
anything to impress the D.C. types in order
to feel accepted.

Pete A. has been in D.C. for a while and all
I see is a cowboy hat and pictures of visitors.
He's got a good press secretary, I'll give him
that. I think he's been away from the CNMI
too long to know what people here are really
going through.

Johnny B? Nice guy and he was effective in
D.C. before. The only reason why I wouldn't
give him another shot on the mainland is
because he fucked up here so badly as
governor. He's the one who got the ball
rolling on our bad economy.

With Lynn Knight we'd save a bundle on
airfare because she could make her frequent
trips to D.C. and back on her broom. Nope,
she's been scoping out another job for a long
time now and wouldn't be the right person
for the job. Sure she's got polish and nobody
could push her around, but she doesn't have
the best interest of the CNMI at heart. If we
could sew her balls on Robert Torres we
could have a winner.

And finally, Taotao Tan's Eloy Inos. I think
he's got a good position by being as good a
cleaner as a fall guy. He's a smart guy but
make no mistake about it, he's a dark
character. Keep him in office here until Fitial
loses the next election, then bring him back
into the Tan clan.

After giving it some serious thought about
what I would like in a CNMI delegate, here's
what I came up with...

Nothing would make me happier than seeing
a solid support staff built around a guy like
Andrew Salas.

He has a few things to learn, but he can tell
the difference between a phony and the
genuine article.

He's not the perfect candidate, but he would
be the best. He'd have the interest of the
CNMI at heart and he wouldn't stand for
bullshit.

I'd vote for him and wake up without regret
the next day.

So that's where I decided to back Andrew Salas, should he in fact run for CNMI delegate. I like Mike Sablan too, but he seems to want other things these days. Overall I'd want someone to run who would answer the call of his people rather than someone who simply wants to have the job.

This Is Hilarious

2008-05-30T09:47:00.014+10:00

What do Greg Cruz, Pamela Mathis and chairs have in common?

Let's give you a little background about today's post. A few days ago, Lt. Governor Tim Villagomez granted radical indigenous rights and xenophobic group, Taotao Tano, the use of a small government building to serve as loco local central.

When Governor Benigno Fitial caught wind of this he had his press secretary, Charles Reyes, tell the media that it was a mistake to allow TTT use of the building and that TTT would need to follow the formal application process to make use of the little place.

That didn't sit well with TTT head Greg Cruz, whose group had been cleaning and repairing the office which also served as the home of former Commonwealth Utilities Corporation PIO, Pamela Mathis.

By the way, TTT has been going after the CUC for fraud and waste for some time now, and Cruz has not been a fan of Mathis. While he went after her for getting her dog blessed at a local Catholic ceremony, it was nothing like the way he's gone after Reyes.

Okay, with all of that in mind, read this:

Taotao Tano accuses AGO of trespass

SAYING that their rights were violated, Taotao Tano headed by Greg Cruz Jr. yesterday filed a complaint with Department of Public Safety against the Attorney General Office for “criminal trespass.”

Cruz, in an interview with Variety, said the filing of complaint stemmed from the AGO’s allegations about chairs missing from a government housing unit that Taotao Tano is now using as its office.

The AGO stored evidence in court cases at the same unit.

Also included in the complaint was the Attorney General’s Investigation Unit which received the copy of the contract allowing Taotao Tano to use the housing unit and the video footage taken by Taotao Tano when it first entered the unit.

“Your office trespassed our new office by entering the premises without our permission,” Cruz said in his e-mail to Attorney General Matthew Gregory.

“Your office is charged with investigating and prosecuting government abuses, corruption and white collar crimes but yet your office can’t even properly secure evidence such as chairs confiscated, stored and in your care. This now raises the question whether your investigators are fully trained or certified to handle evidence,” Cruz said.

He said the AGO trespassed when it “broke” into Taotao Tano’s office.

Press Secretary Charles P. Reyes Jr. said allowing Taotao Tano to use government property was a “mistake” that has to be corrected.

A government building should be used for government purposes only, he added.

A private entity like the Taotao Tano will have to apply for a lease contract with the Department of Public Lands before it can use the government housing unity, Reyes said.

But, Cruz said they have not received any advisory from the Office of the Personnel Management which gave them the authorization to use Capital Hill House no. 1348, which is near the office of Washington Rep. Pedro A. Tenorio.

Cruz said his group will continue with the renovation and the cleanup of the unit, which used to be the residence of former Commonwealth Utilities Corp. Pamela Mathis.

I would love to be the on-the-spot television reporter who covered this story. I'd addd a little humor to it by closing the piece with something like this:

When referring to the AGO taking Taotao Tao's chairs, TTT President Greg Cruz said that he wouldn't stand for this kind of treatment! In the meantime, without the chairs I think he'll have to. Reporting live from Capital Hill, this is The Daily Yapper for KSPN2.

Be sure to tune in next week for another episode of As The CNMI Turns

Here's To Tilting At Windmills

2008-05-30T06:55:00.017+10:00

There's nothing wrong with the Saipanda, but the CNMI might have to make room for a new mascot as the islands of Saipan, Tinian and Rota have their own version of Don Quixote in former judge, Juan Lizama.

Though many Election Day wars are waged with pork swords, our "knight" appears to have leveled his lance at the CNMI delegate position with the misguided belief that he "has a good chance" at slaying the beast come November, according to a story in this morning's Saipan Tribune.

Wait, I'm not joking. Follow the link or read here:

Lizama: I have a good chance at delegate post

By Ferdie Dela Torre

Reporter

Former Superior Court Associate Judge Juan T. Lizama has expressed confidence he will be voted as the CNMI's first delegate to the U.S. House of Representatives.“I think I do have a good chance,” said Lizama in an interview with Saipan Tribune.

He said that starting on the day when he officially declares his candidacy, he will be out there just like everybody else.“But my campaign, I want to be very positive with my campaign,” said Lizama, adding that he will run as an independent.

The Nov. 4, 2008 election, he said, is obviously one of the most important elections because of the delegate position.“My purpose is a good purpose. And I hope that they will agree with me that their votes will go my way,” said Lizama who stepped down from the bench last Saturday after 10 years of serving as an associate judge.

On talks that he is not qualified to run as the law requires candidates to retire or resign from government position six months prior to the election, Lizama said he has read the law and analyzed it.

“I am comfortable with my thought and my position right now that I would be running,” he stressed. In 2003, Lizama became the first judge in the CNMI to be retained to the post.

Aren't judges required to submit urine samples for drug screening? Well he's retired, but how about testing all candidates for the CNMI delegate position? I'm open to admit my mistakes and I believe it's possible that Lizama was not on drugs when he expressed his opinion to Ferdie Dela Torre.

Time for a tangent: Don't you think that Ferdie Dela Torre would be a perfect name for a Filipino boxer or an over sized Cadillac? I bet the Saipan World Resort could really pack in a huge crowd to watch the Dela Torre-Pacquiano fight. I could even see myself bragging to my friends and associates at the golf course after handing the valet the keys to my 2009 Dela Torre.

If that's the case then Juan Quixote was most likely experiencing a "senior moment" and should be checked out for dementia or some other type of old man affliction. Seriously Juanny boy, do you really think that you have a legitimate shot at winning this thing? Are you having MC Hammer flashbacks, because let me tell you, you are not, not, not 2 Legit 2 Quit!

I'm all for a "local boy does good" story, but Lizama should not win this November. If he does, the CNMI will be politically pushed around more than he was by the schoolyard bullies back in the day. I hope Lizama remembers that he won't be able to cite his naysayers for contempt.

Juan, maybe you should think about taking up a farming career. I hear the local cucumbers don't talk back.

Free At Last!

2008-05-28T08:41:00.010+10:00

That phrase has never been said with as much emotion since Martin Luther King, Jr. marched on Washington, D.C. on Washington, DC, on August 28, 1963.

I uttered it from atop Mt. Tapo-shopping when Juan "I Just Did More For The CNMI By Stepping Down From The Judiciary Than I Ever Did While Wearing The Robe And Wielding The Gavel" Lizama made the transition from community ruiner to campaign runner.

The Marianas Variety reported that Juanny boy finally accomplished something positive for the people of Saipan, Tinian and Rota last week when he stepped down as the Superior Court's top hammer holder in an effort to spread his awful sphere of influence on the good people of the United States of America.

Here's all you need to read from that story:

The Superior Court’s most senior judge, Juan Tudela Lizama, is retiring after 10 years on the bench to run for the CNMI’s congressional delegate seat this November.

He's sexist. He's a racist. He's a slime ball. He's a moron. And don't let me forget to add that he's a big time jerk in a small time community. Here's a note I found nailed on the Guma Hustisia door this morning right before I passed through the metal detector.

Dear Juan,

It's already been a couple of days since you packed up and left and I'm already missing you. Of course you didn't actually pack up yourself, but I know that you gave the order to your clerk to call the moving company.

I've already experienced three working days without you in my life and I have nothing but sorrow in my heart knowing that tomorrow will be the fourth. Perchance I can find strength to make it through the week without smelling Old Spice in the corridors.

In your absence, the halls of justice grow colder with every passing unpaid air conditioned breeze, and not even Gin Grizzly's faux smile can bring warmth to these weary eyes in my eternal winter of sorrow.

My soul beckons to "All Rise" in your presence once more, though I know it to be the wistful yearnings of a lonely girl.

I only hope that I 'm able to muster the strength to leave my empty home and journey back to the CNMI on Election Day to cast my ballot for a man of true honor and virtue.

Biba si Juan!

Love Always,

Pamela Mathis

That can't be true, but you really never can tell with some people. Who am I to judge? And who was Lizama to judge? I'm not the only one asking that one. Did you see the story about it in today's Saipan Tribune?

You can follow the link, but here's a little snip of the story:

Lizama not yet off the hook'

Although Juan T. Lizama had already resigned from the bench he is not yet off the hook in the unethical acts complaint filed against him before the CNMI Supreme Court.

NMI Judiciary's public information officer Virginia L. Gridley told Saipan Tribune yesterday that the complaint against Lizama is still pending in the Supreme Court.

“Regarding the Supreme Court case in which Judge Lizama is being prosecuted, his retirement does not affect the case,” said Gridley when asked on the status of the case.

Sounds like tough times for our Napoleonic hammer-hander-over-er, but maybe that's why he wants to run off to D.C. in the first place. Who knows, and who cares? At least we're free of him for now.

Beware Lynn Knight!

2008-05-22T11:02:00.005+10:00

Do you believe in witches and wizards? Do you believe in them so much that you would light up one of your neighbors and watch them burn? Well that's how things work in some parts of Africa, I guess.

Check out this little gem from www.cnn.com:

Mob burns to death 11 'witches, wizards'

NAIROBI, Kenya (AP) -- Officials say a mob has burned to death 11 people suspected of being witches and wizards in western Kenya.

Deputy police spokesman Charles Owino says the mob hunted down the 8 women and 3 men in two villages in the western Kenya district of Kisii Central. Owino says most of the victims were between 70 years old and 90 years old. Only one of the victims was 40 years old.

Senior administrator Njoroge Ndirangu says the mob used a list to hunt down people they said are suspected witches and wizards.

He added: "These people identified who is to be killed by accusing their victims of bewitching their sons and daughters." Ndirangu is the commissioner in charge of Kisii Central district.

Wow! Okay, lightning bolt scar on the forehead aside, how exactly are you supposed to prove that someone is a witch or a wizard? There's no need to come up with your own list of clues as angry mobs have long since discovered the ways of witch witting.

For those who weren't able to follow the accents, here's the script from one of Monty Python's Holy Grail fan sites.

FIRST VILLAGER: We have found a witch. May we burn her?

ALL: A Witch! Burn her!

BEDEVERE: How do you know she is a witch?

ALL: She looks like one. Yes, she does.

BEDEVERE: Bring her forward.

They bring her forward - a beautiful YOUNG GIRL (MISS ISLINGTON) dressed up as a witch.
WITCH: I am not a witch. I am not a witch.

BEDEVERE: But you are dressed as one.

WITCH: They dressed me up like this.

ALL: We didn't, we didn't!

WITCH: This is not my nose, It is a false one.

BEDEVERE takes her nose off.

BEDEVERE: Well?

FIRST VILLAGER: ... Well, we did do the nose.

BEDEVERE: The nose?

FIRST VILLAGER: And the hat. But she is a witch.

ALL: A witch, a witch, burn her!

BEDEVERE: Did you dress her up like this?

FIRST VILLAGER: ... Um ... Yes ... no ... a bit ... yes... she has got a wart.

BEDEVERE: Why do you think she is a witch?

SECOND VILLAGER: She turned me into a newt.

BEDEVERE: A newt?

SECOND VILLAGER: (After looking at himself for some time)
I got better.

ALL: Burn her anyway.

BEDEVERE: Quiet! Quiet! There are ways of telling whether she is a witch.

ARTHUR and PATSY ride up at this point and watch what follows with interest

ALL: There are? Tell up. What are they, wise Sir Bedevere?

BEDEVERE: Tell me ... what do you do with witches?

ALL: Burn them.

BEDEVERE: And what do you burn, apart from witches?

FOURTH VILLAGER: ... Wood?

BEDEVERE: So why do witches burn?

SECOND VILLAGER: (pianissimo) ... Because they're made of wood...?

BEDEVERE: Good.

PEASANTS stir uneasily then come round to this conclusion.

ALL: I see. Yes, of course.

BEDEVERE: So how can we tell if she is made of wood?

FIRST VILLAGER: Make a bridge out of her.

BEDEVERE: Ah ... but can you not also make bridges out of stone?

ALL: Ah. Yes, of course ... um ... err ...

BEDEVERE: Does wood sink in water?

ALL: No, no, It floats. Throw her in the pond Tie weights on her. To the pond.

BEDEVERE: Wait. Wait ... tell me, what also floats on water?

ALL: Bread? No, no, no. Apples .... gravy ... very small rocks ...

ARTHUR: A duck.

They all turn and look at ARTHUR. BEDEVERE looks up very impressed.

BEDEVERE: Exactly. So... logically ...

FIRST VILLAGER: (beginning to pick up the thread) If she ... weighs the same as a duck ... she's made of wood.

BEDEVERE: And therefore?

ALL: A witch! ... A duck! A duck! Fetch a duck.

FOURTH VILLAGER: Here is a duck, Sir Bedevere.

BEDEVERE: We shall use my largest scales.

He leads them a few yards to a very strange contraption indeed, made
of wood and rope and leather. They put the GIRL in one pan and the
duck in another. Each pan is supported by a wooden stave. BEDEVERE
checks each pan then ... ARTHUR looks on with interest.

BEDEVERE: Remove the supports.

Two PEASANTS knock them away with sledge hammers. The GIRL and the
duck swing slightly but balance perfectly.

ALL: A witch! A witch!

WITCH: It's a fair cop.

All: Burn her! Burn her! Let's make her into a ladder.

The VILLAGERS drag the girl away, leaving ARTHUR and BEDEVERE
regarding each other admiringly.

Joeten Brings Highway Robbery To Kagman!

2008-05-16T11:46:00.006+10:00

Well, that's what the headline in the Saipan Tribune should have read, anyway. According to today's fish wrap, Joeten will be opening a new store out in homesteader country: Kagman. Sounds like they even want to get the store up an running sometime in the third quarter.

Vice president Clarence P. Tenorio Jr. said that the locally owned retail company, which is celebrating its 59th year of doing business this month, is planning to construct a 5,500-square-foot medium-sized grocery store at its expansive Kagman property. He said the store, which is about a $1 million overall investment, will be slightly smaller in size than its Joeten Dandan Market and will essentially carry the same variety of items.

Whether it's Joeten Dandan, Susupe, or Garapan, the company has been overpricing its items and severely underpaying its employees for nearly six decades. People routinely flock to Joeten stores because they're the biggest, but the owners have been treating local people like shit for far too long.

Sure, the Joeten business model looks successful, but it's been marinading in corruption just about as long as it has been open. Think about the stores that would've come to Saipan were it not for Joeten's connections. We're talking about stores like K-Mart and Wal-Mart.

These people would bring some sanity to Saipan's shoppers and pay livable wages. Joeten is about as crooked as Benigno R. Fitial's spine, but people keep coming back to them.

Two words: Fuck Joeten

Maybe we should start a prayer vigil for all of the people who have been anally violated by the biggest non-garment wielder of genital weapons of ass destruction.

Thanks, Lil!

2008-05-14T14:01:00.008+10:00

While I am relatively new to blogging, I've already received some helpful advice from those in the know. For one, there was this guy who told me that I should give it up altogether. After thinking about it long and hard, I decided to press on.

I received some more advice from Lil Hammerhead. This "blast from the past" was the first fellow blogger (of the two, so far) to add a link to my blog and the first to offer some constructive advice. What was it? Add Google Analytics.

Now I swear by it! I know how many (or how few) people stop by to check out what's yappening on a daily basis. So far, most of the traffic that comes my way is through Lil's blog, followed by Blogger referral and The Saipan Blogger.

The good news is that the number of people who just enter www.saipandailyyapper.com to get here is growing. Thanks! Hopefully you'll stick around and yap back to me more in the future.

So who is really to blame?

2008-05-14T12:20:00.013+10:00

I can't say that I've ever been a member of a police force, but I have read a few detective novels. While that doesn't make me an expert investigator, I think I know a thing or two about why the AGO hasn't filed any charges in last year's tragic accident that resulted in the death of a beautiful young soul.

The headline from the Marianas Variety read, DPS: AGO has yet to charge driver in fatal collision. It seems to me that the AGO hasn't filed any charges because there's really nothing to charge the guy with in the first place.

Here's an excerpt from the story:

(Department of Public Safety Commissioner Clyde K.) Norita, in an interview, said traffic investigator Flor Estabillo recommended that the driver be charged with reckless driving and vehicular homicide.

Wow, that's a tough price to pay. But the guy is at fault so he deserves it, right? Okay, so lay it on me. What did the guy do wrong that caused the accident?

Norita said surveillance camera at establishments near the area where the accident happened showed that the truck was traveling on the inner lane.

“All commercial vehicles should operate on the outer lane not the inner lane,” he said. “We talked to some witness, we did calculations, measurements, we got video footage, statement from the operator — everything is there; it’s a clean cut investigation, so all we’re waiting now is the prosecution of this case.”

So are they saying that the driver of the truck was at fault for the accident on Middle Road because he was driving in the inner lane? Is that really an infraction these days? And is that really what caused the accident? Surely there's more to this.

Maybe the officer in charge of the traffic section can help clear this up by shedding a few additional details:

Sgt. Tom Blas, patrol section officer-in-charge who was the head of the traffic section at the time of the incident, said the driver committed auto-traffic violations when he operated the truck.

According to Blas, the truck was traveling on the wrong lane and was going "over 35 miles an hour" based on skid measurements and calculations.

How "over" is "over 35 miles per hour?" Are we talking 36mph? So if the guy is driving down the middle of Middle Road and in his lane and at the prescribed speed (based upon DPS investigation), would the accident have been avoided?

The guy slammed on his brakes to try and avoid the accident. It's not as if the victim was creeping into the outer lane from the parking lot, right? What was the victim doing at the time?

Deleon Guerrero was on her way to a barbecue party in Chalan Kiya when her 1997 Honda Civic, which was about to make a left turn, collided with the truck on May 20, 2007.

Maybe she bolted out into traffic thinking that she had ample time to make the turn. The guy was in the inner lane but it's not as if he was flying down the road, right? Perhaps the accident was her fault?

Blas said preliminary investigation indicated that the victim, a former Miss Marianas Teen runner-up, could have caused the crash, but follow-up investigation showed that (the truck) driver was in violation of traffic rules.

So are they saying that the driver of the truck was at fault for the accident because he was driving in the inner lane of Middle Road? No way! Come on, Clyde. "Reckless driving and vehicular homicide" hardly fit the bill in this case.

You can't hammer this guy because of that. Why not go after former Rep. Ana S. Teregeyo who pulverized a kid in Dan Dan on April 19? DPS cited the kid at fault for the improper operation of his self-propelled two-wheeled "vehicle," as per DPS, CNMI Vehicle Code Title 9 subsection 5352:

"Any vehicle entering the intersection shall stop at the entrance to a through highway and yield the right of way to other vehicles which have entered the intersection from the through highway or which are approaching so closely on the through highway as to constitute an immediate hazard and shall continue to yield the right of way to the approaching vehicle until such time as he can proceed with reasonable safety."

It gets worse when you read the reporter's description of the incident:

Teregeyo’s vehicle was heading north on Holiday Drive while the boy was heading west on Independence Loop. The minor entered Holiday Drive and collided with Teregeyo’s vehicle.

The boy collided with Teregeyo's vehicle? Are you kidding me? I think a more accurate way of depicting the situation is:

Teregeyo’s vehicle was heading north on Holiday Drive while the boy was heading west on Independence Loop. The minor entered Holiday Drive where he was struck by Teregeyo’s vehicle and thrown from his bicycle.

If these two cases are indicative of the way our DPS traffic section operates, I think we've got a shit load of problems in Susupe...

CNMI Taken Over By Old People!

2008-05-12T09:53:00.011+10:00

Run for your lives! Godzilla-sized fogies are taking over the government! Aaaaaaaaahhh!

Alright, alright...

So today's headline in the Marianas Variety is "Manamko’ ‘take over’ NMI gov’t." Here's the lead from Moneth G. Deposa's little piece:

FORTY-SIX of the islands’ senior citizens took over the reins of the CNMI government on Friday as part of the annual Older Americans Month activities.

Juana S. Dela Cruz, 73, served as the “governor” an experience she described as “very interesting and a chance of a lifetime.”

Wait, I don't understand. Aren't the manamko' already running the government? True enough, our governor is a strapping young lad at the age of 62 years old, but he's spent more time in the hospital than many of the CHC's doctors.

How about Howard Willens? Isn't he one of Fitial's great uncles? I've got it on good authority that he's got a liver spot for each of the CNMI's poker parlors.

My favorite part of the story is how the old folks accomplished exactly what their counterparts do on a day-to-day basis. Look at this hardworking woman of advanced years. She's doing the same job as the current press secretary, and she's twice as old!

Sure I think this is a cute story, but it's anything but major news. The Marianas Variety staff came up with two stories on "old folks" day, but they weren't the only ones mailing it in.

Check out this bit of news from the Saipan Tribune. Sure the reporter got the story right, but why is this considered news? Check it out:

Tinian Republican Party president Ramon M. Dela Cruz has congratulated Resident Representative Pete A. Tenorio for the passage of the federalization bill on Friday, May 9, and suggested that the date be forever celebrated in the CNMI as “Delegate Day.”

Just what we need, another holiday.

We're talking about the same Ray Dela Cruz who spends most of his time around the poker tables at the Tinian Dynasty and Casino, right? Maybe Ray needs to trade in his crappy cowboy hat for a translucent visor because his "I wanna be like Pete" look just isn't working.

He does have that "I just tied a fair maiden to the railroad tracks" mustache, I he's definitely got a future in the CNMI's seedy political circles. I just don't like the idea of him designating holidays. Can you imagine celebrating "I hit it big at the slots" day? How about "Double Down" day?

Maybe the best idea is "Evil Villain Mustache" Day! I love it. It's better than that silly Talk Like A Pirate Day. All you do on pirate day is say "Arrrrrrr." Wouldn't it be much cooler to say "Muhahaha!" ? You'll even get to twist the ends of your mustache.

I'll send the memot to the Tinian Republican Party. And why does Tinian have its own Republican party? Sounds like someone wanted to make themselves feel self-important.

Whatchu Talkin' 'Bout Muna?

2008-05-07T15:28:00.004+10:00

I can't believe that the power rates are about to more than double their current rate. On one hand it makes sense for the rates to reflect the actual cost of fuel, but on the other hand, it seems logical that the CUC would have to remove the fuel surcharge.

Is that what's happening?

Perhaps my use of “logical” is the problem.

The Saipan Tribune and the Marianas Variety broke the story on the front page of today’s editions.

First of all, don't tell me that the fuel surcharge isn't still around either. I see it as a specific line item on every monthly bill. The Yapper’s bill broke through the stratosphere last month for the twenty-fourth consecutive month.

You know, come to think of it, I never saw my power rates drop when they were supposed to. I don’t really know if I’ll be in for a shock or not when next month’s bill rolls around.

What about the load shedding? Will the increase in rates eliminate the load shedding? And another thing, how much will I have to pay to drink the water out of my tap?

There’ll be “plenty” of questions to be asked of the CUC, but here's three to get our reporters going. So get to it, reporters!

Feel free to call the CUC Customer Service department for yourself at (670) 235-7025. Well, if you can get through, that is. I let the line ring an untold amount of times for five minutes before they hung up on me.

In a related story, the Commonwealth Utilities Corporation will be giving away complimentary ornaments with every bill payment received to remind people in advance of the holiday season where their Christmas money went.

Ho, Ho, Ho! Merry C(uc)hristmas!

A Sincere Thanks To The FSM

2008-05-06T16:23:00.009+10:00

It is with a humble heart that I bring you some truly joyous news. While my blog has only been in existence for a couple of weeks, people from around the region have started to take notice. While I thought I might raise a few eyebrows, I never expected to be honored by President Emanuel MORI and Vice President Alik L. ALIK, of the Federated States of Micronesia.

See here from today's Micronesian Variety...

PALIKIR--President Emanuel MORI, in his supreme benevolence, recognized the work on one of the region's finest writers this afternoon when he and Vice President Alik L. ALIK officially renamed one of the Federated States of Micronesia's proudest places.

In a declaration that came with much fanfare in the presidential palace's rose garden, the honorable MORI announced that Yap State will be known forever more as Yapper State, in honor of new blogger, The Daily Yapper.

After hearing of the exalted MORI's proclamation, citizens took to the streets from Gilman to Gagil in what one reveler explained as "the happiest day of our lives!" The all-knowing, all-seeing MORI explained that many phases of everyday life would be the same and that neither Pohnpei, Kosrae nor Chuuk should not harbor any jealous feelings to their renamed neighbor.

Ah, to be honored by the land of stone money and scantily clad young women. Could one possibly ask for more? Is that a tear forming in the corner of my eye? I believe it is. To the people of the Federated States of Micronesia, please accept my most heartfelt appreciation.

Perhaps asking for a small beach side bungalow near the local college would be out of the question. I mean, the girls are topless. The people of the FSM are people of action, and President MORI emailed me a photo of the new maps this afternoon.

Name Changes Continue For CUC

2008-05-06T16:04:00.006+10:00

SAIPAN--While the islands of Saipan, Tinian and Rota suffer through governmental rhetoric instead of the quality, reliable buzz of voltage in the power lines, the disembodied heads that run the chicken coop are making changes at the top.

Recently, the local fish wrap reported that the Commonwealth Utilities Corporation swapped out Tony Guerrero for Tony Muna. While literature buffs refer to the changeover as "The Tale of Two Tonies," bill payers with an affinity for 80's hip-hop seem to approve of the switch because of its alarming similarity to has-been Tony! Toni! Toné!

While Muna has served less than a week in office, he's already making progress with the local utility by cutting through the bureaucratic process by telling people exactly what is happening at the power plants.

After briefing the public about the sorry state of the generators and the CNMI's inability to pay for the upcoming fuel shipments from the floating international petroleum charity, Mobil, Muna announced that he is renaming the CUC to better reflect the services provided to the citizenry.

In a memo dated 7 May 2008, Muna anounced that the Commonwealth Utilities Corporation shall be referred to as “Chamorros Using Candles.” The governor praised Muna's creativity and said that the utility's head saved the Commonwealth untold thousands of dollars by maintaining the same acronym.

"I like this guy. He's a snappy dresser and subscribes to my exercise routine. What a guy, what a guy," Fitial said. "If he continues with this pace, the CNMI should be back on its feet in no time. Biba Muna!"

In a related story, the governor changed the CNMI flag with that of the Shell Oil. When asked why he made the change, Fitial said, "Well, if Tony changed the CUC's name to reflect its current state, I thought it only fitting to represent the CNMI's flag with a banner that more accurately depicts our economy as a "Shell" of its former self."

Say what?

2008-05-01T08:12:00.009+10:00

Just when I thought that Greg Cruz and the Taotao Tano couldn't get any worse, they come up with another stupid fucking press release in the papers. Somebody needs to take away their crayons for good because I, for one, am sick and tired of reading their asinine points of view.

Perhaps the fault lies with the media, who repeatedly deems the rantings of a few unemployed panderers fools newsworthy. Why not protest them? Why not hold up signs saying, "Taotao Tano Go Home (to your shitty little tin shacks that stand as a testament to your lack of intelligence and planning)."

Here's a bit of the article that appeared in today's Marianas Variety.

In a two-page letter, Taotao Tano leader Gregorio S. Cruz Jr. said they are taking action “on behalf of the suffering, humiliated, betrayed, and disrespected local indigenous Northern Marianas Descent people of the land of the commonwealth.”

The two lawmakers he wants impeached are Reps. Heinz S. Hofschneider, R-Saipan, and Tina Sablan, Ind.-Saipan.

Wonderful, Greg. You want to impeach Tina, one of the most honest and forthright leaders of our time. Do you even know the meaning of the word? I think you're high as a kite and dumb as a stick. And what about Heinz? What exactly were you saying about these two?

The complaint states that it is in the best interest of the people of the commonwealth, “especially to the local indigenous and the future generation’s well-being,” to remove Fitial, Hofschneider and Sablan from office...Cruz did not say what were the actions taken by Fitial and the two lawmakers that rose to the level of an impeachable offense.

Thanks genius! We definitely need more people like you in the CNMI, Greg. The only thing is that we need you to cut our lawns, not write to the government about the ratification of your moronic agenda.

Please Greg, leave the government for the adults. Surely there are plenty of fucked up adults in office now (I'm looking at you, Oscar and Luis), but the last thing we need is a food fight starting at the kids table.

The Constitution states that it is the “House of Representatives [that] may initiate impeachment proceedings by the affirmative vote of two-thirds of its members and the Senate may convict after hearing by the affirmative vote of two-thirds of its members.”

Anyone really think this is going to happen? Not likely.

Legislator Makes Sense?

2008-04-23T17:00:00.004+10:00

Wait a minute, here. You say a CNMI Legislator made sense? No way! Way, you say? Okay, tell me more...

Torres challenges elected officials to cut their salaries

By Gemma Q. Casas
Variety News Staff

A LAWMAKER says government employees who experienced pay cuts and are likely to suffer another reduction in their salaries want to see the Legislature share the burden caused by its actions.

Rep. Ralph DLG. Torres, R-Saipan, said he introduced House Bill 16-84 so that lawmakers can “share the sacrifices.”

His legislation will reduce by 10 percent the salaries of elected officials...

Well, all I can muster is "Holy Crap!"

To get this out of the way, I've not been a believer in Ralph "Drink My Beer and Wear My Gear" Torres. I didn't think he'd amount to anything more than another bad haircut and cheesy mustache on Capitol Hill.

I pull some of that back now.

Damn Ralph, you made some sense on this one, and I'm not talking about the Ambrose variety, either. What I like more is that you said it plainly for even the least educated to understand, too!

“(People) are asking, ‘Why are you cutting our salaries? How about yours?’ Whatever we asked from the employees, we should do the same. Let’s be fair with the people. We took our vow to protect the people not our salaries.”
Nicely done. sir.

And what I appreciate even more is that Torres didn't just pull a rabbit out of his hat. The guy actually has a plan for the money that will be saved by his proposal.

He said the 10 percent cut on the wages of those officials will mean additional funding for the Public School System, Northern Marianas College and the Commonwealth Health Center.CHC and PSS will each get 40 percent of the “savings” while 20 percent will go to NMC.

It's no wonder that he's not the most liked legislator on The Hill these days, and I don't think he was being a crybaby when he said, “Yes, I’ve been getting unpopular comments about my bill. But if we as legislators, create an austerity measure, then we should also do our end of the bargain.”

The only improvement I see to Ralph's proposal is that it would not apply to the 16th Legislature should it go through. That leaves all kind of loopholes. Why not make it applicable to the next governor's term, or the next judge's term, etc.

Oh well, at least he has a plan. Could he have said it better than this: “Let’s start building our foundation now and just be fair.”

Good job, Ralph. You made the Honor Roll.

Want to talk to Ralph? Here's his office information:

Call : (670) 664-8923
Fax : (670) 664-8926
Email : rep.torresr@cnmileg.gov.mp
Staff Email: staff.rep.torresr@cnmileg.gov.mp

**Okay, enough pecker puffin. At least you know that I call out the baddies and give pats on the back .

And this is DPS' big operation?

2008-04-22T09:27:00.009+10:00

Have you heard about the heroic work done by our boys in blue? Yep, seems that our Department of Public Safety finally tightened the noose on the notorious Dirty Dozen that's been ravaging our public streets for years.

Of course, I jest.

The story about DPS arresting 12 "illegal" taxi drivers, a prostitute and a tourist (who slept with said hooker) made the lead in the Saipan Tribune this morning and took second billing in the Marianas Variety.

Way to go guys! Way to snuff out the single most important crime we have here in the CNMI. Copper who?

The only silver lining to this piece of police work is that it gives me the opportunity to yap about another ridiculous operation here on Saipan.

First of all, these "illegal" taxis should be studied. Why? Well, our government (previous administration, I believe) imposed a minimum rate for taxis in the CNMI because the local operators said that they were unable to earn a profit in the open market.

Well no shit, Sherlock. Who the fuck buys a gas guzzling SUV as a taxi? I mean, the cost of gasoline has to figure into your business plan, Chuck. Not here! Driving a 4X4 as a taxi makes about as much sense as buying a pair of ice skates for your next track meet.

WTF?

Oh wait, there is a solution. I'll just go to the governor and ask for a little price fixing. To hell with the market value. Fucking jagoffs!

These taxis are "illegal" because they are somehow able to turn a profit by offering $3 and $5 rides around Saipan. They also sign on regular customers for $90-$110 per month. That will get you a ride to work and back with the occasional trip to and from the bar.

Oh, the humanity!

How can they do such a thing?

Well, it's because the operators decided to get one of the most fuel efficient vehicles on the market and charged what the working people of Saipan are able to afford. Understand that these "illegal" taxis were providing a service to the people of Saipan before they got pinched, not the tourists.

Out of towners here are regularly soaked for $20 when they need a trip from the port to Garapan. Why don't locals take "legal" taxis? Because they cost way too fucking much! So what happened? Same thing that always happens: the market adapted.

So who does this really hurt? Us, that's who! How many of the local constituents were complaining about the rash of affordable taxis on Saipan? Fucking nobody! So what did our Department of Public Safety do? Nab a bunch of Chinese taxi drivers who were actually contributing to our people.

They were like the Robin Hoods of public transportation.

Great job, DPS! Now how about catching the vandals? How about bagging the tourist area thieves? Why not throw everyone at Joeten in jail for robbing us at the register?

Fucking-A, guys! A fucking "dragnet" for "illegal" taxis? What about spending those man hours on something worthwhile, like bagging all of the people who you know are robbing tourists in Marpi?

Okay, so you're saying that this bust was a major victory in the war on prostitution, right? Come on! Like that's a problem here. Tourists come here to party, smoke weed, and fuck cheap whores. Okay, maybe not the families (thought I bet some of the husbands sneak out for a little action now and again).

But come on, how many times do family outings take place after 10pm? They don't! Hey, I don't see the whores picking up Johns with their coffee during their lunch at Winchell's . It's like this: guys drink, get a little drunk, and look for pussy. It's just the simple.

You really think that all of these Navy guys are coming to the bars so that they can forge strong bonds of friendship with the people of Saipan? They want to catch a buzz and chase some tail. Any other ideas you entertain are pointless.

I'm tired of HANMI and Lynn Knight saying that the people are fed up with the prostitutes. Bullshit! That's what they're here for, Lynn. Garapan is seedy, and we should market it effectively.

Hell, why not tax the prostitutes? That would bring tons of funds into the CNMI's coffers without actually harming anyone. We can license them, submit them for regular medical check-ups, and everyone will be happy. At least we won't have to chip in for the dental plan because the guys wil appreciate the gummers (makes me sick even thinking about it).

It's a good idea, legalizing prostitution. And it's way better than legalizing marijuana, too. Pot fucks you up, but prostitutes just fuck you.

Funny thing is that with the federalization we might have OSHA coming down to the street corners and fining CUC for failing to provide the working girls with adequate lighting.

So now what are we left with? A bunch of affordable taxi drivers who are too afraid to work and a bunch of used up girls looking for a ride to work.

Day One

2008-04-21T12:20:00.001+10:00

And So It Begins...

As for today's first post:

Let's pick on Ed Salas!

Ed, what the fuck are you doing? Wasting out time and money, that's what. We're waiting to find out if we're going to have power on a daily basis and whether or not our economy will completely implode.

So what sort of legislation are you proposing? A fucking "no cell phones while driving" bill? WTF? Come on, next thing

Here's how it reads in today's Marianas Variety (note my thoughts in red)

Bill to ban cell phone use while driving

By Raymond A. Martinez
Variety News Staff

A HOUSE member has introduced bill to restrict the use of cell phone while driving a vehicle.

The bill, “Commonwealth Wireless Telephone Vehicle Safety Act of 2008” aims to prevent road accidents due to vehicle drivers using wireless telephones while on the road.

Rep. Edward T. Salas, R-Saipan and author of House Bill 16-65, said it is in the best interest of the people of CNMI to have a law that establishes commonwealth-wide safety guidelines for the use of cell phones while operating a motor vehicle.

A person may use a wireless phone while driving if the unit “is specifically designed and configured to allow hands-free listening and talking,” the bill stated.

Although Salas recognizes the importance of carrying wireless phone in cases of emergency on the road, he wants the people to use wireless phone for emergency purposes only — those involving a call to the fire division, police or hospital.

The bill exempts professionals who work with agencies that respond to emergency situations and those who use wireless phones for work-related purposes. (because it's not a safety hazard for them to talk on the phone while driving?)

According to the bill, emergency services include law enforcement, healthcare, and fire response.

The bill also exempts people who use “digital two-way radio that utilizes a wireless telephone that operates by depressing a push-to-talk feature and does not require immediate proximity to the ear of the user.” (because most accidents are ear-related?

Salas’ measure also seeks to prohibit people under 18 years old to use wireless phone while driving, even if the unit is a hands-free device. (and why is that, exactly?)

Way to go, Ed. You might not be able to handle a cell phone while driving but I sure as hell can. I also like how you think that Push-To-Talk phones somehow qualify as "Hands Free" under your bill. You're a fuckin dillweed.

This is the same kind of shitty legislation that works on the mainland but is largely unneeded here. Why? Because they have something on the mainland that we don't. It's called traffic, Ed.

The only time you'll find yourself in a "traffic jam" on Saipan, Tinian or Rota is if you happen to be behind a school bus or when a runaway cow trots onto the road. That's it. Why not legislate a ban to eating while in your car? That at least seems to make more sense.

Did you at least write this bill in collaboration with insurance companies in an effort to bring down the local auto insurance rates across the board? No. Why? Because you're bill sucks and you're a dillhole looking to make a name for himself by passing some crap off as work.

Okay, so maybe your heart is in the right place, but it sounds more to me like you're looking for a way to validate your position by passing this off as work. I seriously doubt that your constituents have been clamoring for a change driving communication policies.

Here's the mission statement from Ed's web page:

MISSION STATEMENT

To represent the citizens of the Commonwealth of the Northern Mariana Islands with utmost integrity through transparency of actions; maintain focus and objectives related to the enhancement of livelihood; instill respect, trust and confidence to government; improve utilities (power and water), support and advocate improvement of health and education systems; work cooperatively, cohesively and in partnership with the private sector to provide jobs to constituents.

Did you have a meeting with the Concerned Motorists of the Northern Mariana Islands? No. Why not? Because there's no such organization. Look Ed, just do what's needed from you. Tip: This isn't!

Want to make a difference? How about making the "drive-by pugua spitting" a ticketable offense? All fines can go directly to the MVA's coffers. That's a double whammy!

Power is a problem.

Poker parlors (like the ones Luis Crisostimo owns and operates) are a problem.

Prostitutes: Not a problem. Just tax them.

If we need more crappy pointless legislation we could just move to the mainland.

Want to talk to Ed? Here's his office information:

Call : (670) 664-8826
Fax : (670) 664-8842
Email : rep.salase@cnmileg.gov.mp
Staff Email: staff.rep.salase@cnmileg.gov.mp