Monday, November 30, 2009

True Tragedy

It is with a heavy heart that I relay to you the official death of one of my favorite reads. News of the loss reopened the pain that I felt when my idol, Lil Hammerhead, abruptly removed the comment section and stopped writing her blog.

Tonight I was saddened to learn that Ed Propst's blog is no longer available for public consumption. That leaves me with only Saipan Middle Road as my source for gossip and smack talk. Perhaps I should lead the life of Ghandi and "Be the change I want to see in the world."

I'm not into the whole fasting scene, but I can try. But what should I read for pure enjoyment?

No, not the Marianas Variety or the Saipan Tribune. They aren't so funny anymore. So what, or rather who then?

I beg the Marianas to produce a writer who can tickle my funny bone. Are you out there?

A Question for Melvin Faisao

Dear Melvin,

Out of curiosity, where did you reside and what was your occupation in 1996 when you contributed $3,000 to the Tom DeLay's Congressional Committee and $2,000 to the Dan Burton For Congress Committee?

Just curious as to your means and motivation behind your support of a future felon and former Representative of the 22nd Texas Congressional District.

Your No. 1 Fan,

The Yapper

Saturday, November 28, 2009

Finally the Weekend!

Well it's about fucking time that this week is over. Now we're 10 days away from an official winner in the CNMI's runoff election. Who will win the high-voltage match between the power of ketchup and the lack of stable power?

If "Bitter Ed" has his way it will be the blue team all the way. If "Terrible Teresa" gets her way it will be the green dream team. If Charles Reyes gets his way he will resign and take a job with the Census 2010 team.

One bald guy is happy, but who is next in line for the administration? Will Ed Propst land a PIO job with the HAdminstration or will the Queen of Mean continue her reign of terror in typhoon country?

I'm not sure which is better or worse: someone who is well-intentioned but doesn't have any experience writing non-emotional paragraphs or the cruel woman who once wrote "Surrender Dorothy" in the sky.

501 votes is a lot of votes.

I'm not so sure that the HA camp can overcome this number with little only 1,000 absentee ballots yet to be counted. My guess is that Saipan's Teresarist will continue to mount her broom high above the Marianas for the next five years.

I really don't care who is the next governor, but that vindictive bitch scares the shit out of me. She's a strong woman. So was the East German women's Olympic team. This freakishly proportioned "lady" can do push-ups WITHOUT USING HER HANDS!!!!

I'm talking about titty push-ups, people. Titty push-ups! While I am somewhat impressed, sort of intimidated and maybe even a little bit jealous, I think that the people of the Pacific should be wary of her powers.

The dark side of the force is strong with this one. I mean, look at her attempt to lift an X-Wing Fighter here while the evil empress enjoys the show.

"What is your bidding, my mistress?"

If "Fitittyal" wins, pray there isn't a Covenant Party trilogy.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Double Fuck The Marianas Variety

Yes, I said it. Twice.

Dear Marianas Variety,

Fuck you and your mother fucking policy of banning my comments. I am a registered user on your site and the most benign of my comments are washed away by your censoring hand. Fuck you and your fat ass president, too.

Sincerely,

The Yapper

PS-Happy Thanksgiving, Fuckface

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Condolences

Today was a dark day in the history of the CNMI as a lone gunman terrorized our island. I don't have anything witty to say about it.

Four people are dead, two of them children. Six more are wounded. Seven if you count the heart of the Marianas. Eight if you count the CNMI's tourism industry.

This is what happens when a regular person with access to weapons suddenly snaps. And to think that someone still thinks that everyone should have access to small arms.

Try to imagine how often this sort of think might occur if anyone could own weapons on Saipan.

Sunday, November 1, 2009

File this under "W"

...for Who Gives A Shit.

Sorry Mister Lizama, but nobody cares about what a washed-up ex-judge thinks about Governor Fitial's lawsuit. Actually, nobody cares about anything you have to say about anything.

First of all, you're jobless. Your role as an influential figure (albeit a shitty one) is fading faster than Eloy Inos' hairline (or yours, for that matter). So why would bumbling ex-Judge Lizama feel the need to send a press release to the Saipan Tribune?

If anything, the Tribune's editor should've enjoyed a good laugh at Lizama's self-important email and replied with a request that the faux story be rewritten for placement in the Letter to the Editor section.

Senor Lizama, you've got this whole media thing all wrong. The only people who are allowed to refer to themselves in the third-person are ego-inflated athletes and celebrities. You are neither. You're a pompous ass who did the CNMI a favor by stepping down as a judge.

And thanks for that!

Did you really feel that your endorsement would help? Maybe you're a Heinz fan and thought that your endorsement would likely hurt Fitial's reelection bid? I don't know for sure what your motivation was behind your self-penned piece but I know that the only significance that your letter had to the world was that it gave me another reason to write.

Thanks again :)

*BTW, Google Judge Juan Lizama and see what pops up first

Happy Birthday Internet!

Just like Joe Camacho's runaway waistline, the Internet had to start somewhere. Thanks to a few forward thinking nerds and geeks from the University of California, we now enjoy a world of communication (and more importantly, porn) that was (much like the green chick that Captain Kirk hooked up with) previously the stuff of fantasy.

I find it hilarious that the receiving computer crashed before it could handle the entire first message. Perhaps it was one of the early sensitive models that expected the inaugural information transmission to read "loser" instead of "login."

Without a doubt, we bloggers owe it to the pocket protector-wearing pioneers for allowing our voices to be heard around the world. All of this because some basement denizens decided to turn Dungeons & Dragons into a MMORPG.