Friday, April 17, 2009

Into Every Life, A Little (Golden) Rain Must Fall

This is a great time of year for the Marianas. We've got blue skies, green trees and golden showers. The last one might not tickle your fancy, but one Saipan native thought he'd share the Hafa Adai spirit with a woman while traveling from California to Hawaii.

Somehow I don't think she enjoyed being showered with local style affection. Read below:

Man urinated on woman during flight

HONOLULU, April 16 (UPI) -- A federal judge in Hawaii sentenced a man who pleaded guilty to urinating on a fellow airline passenger to 21 days imprisonment.

Jerome Kenneth Kingzio, 28, of Saipan, Northern Marina Islands, pleaded guilty to assault after urinating on a 66-year-old woman during a March 21 flight from Los Angeles to Honolulu, the Honolulu Advertiser reported Thursday.

U.S. Attorney Ed Kubo said the victim had been watching the in-flight movie when Kingzio stood next to her and began urinating.

I guess everyone isn't into getting pissed on a few miles up in the air. What are the odds? For those of you who don't mind a little yellow squirt coming your way, check this out!

Congratulations to Jerome Kenneth Kingzio for making the Yapper's newly revived Sick List. He's in good (or bad) company, and you can check it out for yourself by scrolling down the left side of the page.

Jerome Kenneth Kingzio, you're going to be remembered forever!

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Who's the Juan who ruined the retirement Fund?

Juan Nekai Babuta the reason why the NMI Retirement Fund won't be around in two years. He is also the reason why the NMI purchased La Fiesta and spent $250,000 to enter a float in the 2005 Parade of Roses in Pasadena, California.

Juan "Bang 'Em All Babauta" screwed the CUC and the citizens of the Commonwealth through his failure to allot a dime of his excessively wasteful spending on the deteriorating power plants.

Does the phrase, "Pretty darn good" ring a bell?

Now, the worst governor in the history of the Northern Mariana Islands and fairly good runner, Juan Nekai Babauta is gearing up for the Republican Primary here on Saipan.

The first word that came to mind: Why?

The second word that came to mind: No!

The third, fourth and fifth words: Oh, haaaaaay-ell no!

If he actually wins the election, I surmise the sixth word will be: Vomit






Anal Rape

Okay, that's two words but I haven't heard anything about the Patrick Calvo case in a while and I got to thinking about what happened to the guy whose green thumb got caught in the underage cookie jar.

Back to my planet:

I set the dial in the Way Back Machine to September 29th, 2008 so I could pick up a copy of the Marianas Variety because there was a very telling Letter to the Editor that Monday that was written by our local Nostradamus.

In his recent rant to Senor Dandan, Philip Leyland of Navy Hill wrote about a school principal he referred to as "Mr. 77" because his first and last name started with the seventh letter of the alphabet.

Leyland was up in arms about Mr. 77's soapbox soliloquy that bad-mouthed the Fitial administration's lack of anything good when it came to the CUC crisis (remember how bad it was way back then?).

While Leyland shared Mr. 77's gripes, he didn't share his appreciation for the dreadful mistake known to many as the 2001-2005 Babauta-Benavente administration (those guys sucked big hairy hilitai balls).

The seventh letter of the alphabet is G, and GG has to stand for Galvin Guerrero, for all of you just tuning in. I'm not saying he's gay, but the Chamorro Anton Chekov is into plays, musicals, has a plump wife and spends way too much time manicuring his beard.

It's rumored that he also has a Backstreet Boys CD somewhere in his car. Could it be in the back seat? Next to the back door? If he were to lift the handle and trigger the release of the locking mechanism, thus allowing for the door to swing open on its hinges, could you say that he was party to some backdoor action?

That's not my business. What happens in or behind back doors isn't what should make or break a candidate. Speaking of candidates who may often enjoy the oral pleasure of one another, let me get back to my point.

In his Letter to the Editor, Leyland labeled Mr. 77 as a strong Babauta-Benavente supporter and took it a step further by calling him a Babauta-Benavente disciple. But Leyland's coup de grĂ¢ce was delivered via his accusation of Mr. 77 being the inspiration behind the Rose Parade float fiasco.

I wasn't expecting that one.

Here's one of my favorite parts from Leyland's letter:

Just like the Fitial administration, the Babauta-Benavente administration had the opportunity to finally do the right thing with CUC, but did not. The Babauta administration ignored the dire need for the power plant engines to be overhauled thus setting the stage for CUC’s eventual demise. And of course, the Fitial administration’s band aid solutions sped up the engines death sentence.

Hmmm, I wonder if the idiotic, biggest waste of $200,000 on the Rose Bowl parade float that was the bright idea of the Babauta-Benavente administration the reason for neglecting the engine overhaul plans? Makes me wonder.

Was there a certain Babauta-Benavente cabinet member in charge of the Rose Bowl parade idea? Could it be that Mr. 77 was the Rose Bowl brain child? So what am I really getting at? Well you see, Mr. 77 unfortunately is targeted here because I find his actions at the rally against CUC quite hypocritical.

I like you, Phil. The Yapper likes you...and accepts Food Stamp.

Leystradamus then asked Mr. 77 why he would support either Babauta or Benavente in the 2009 election. I think he received his answer with this sorry YouTube video:

They're calling their ticket "The balance of energy of youth with wisdom of experience." I wonder what kind of experience they're talking about? Flowers? Wasteful spending? Ignoring CUC? Shapely beards?

After my previous post, I don't think I can talk about beards.

*Editor's Note from the angel on my left shoulder who tells me to do the right thing: Galvin is the only good thing about this ticket. Juan Babauta is worse than shaking hands with a Golgotha, but Galvin is a good family man who doesn't deserve the nasty things I wrote about him.

*Editor's Note from the demon on my right shoulder who tells me to do the wrong thing: Fuck that angel bitch and learn to take a fucking joke, you shitfaced cockmaster!

Rumpelstilskin Anyone?

It's time to wipe the sand from my eyes and get back into the world of hate blogging from Las Islas Pacifico. I woke up with a long gray beard, a trail of drool running down my cheek and a pound of sand in my eyes so let me take a much needed shower and we're off and running once again.
mustbethehumidity, lil hammerhead, greg cruz, saipan's best blog
I'm not sure if I'll shave off my newfound beard just yet because I think the woman folk will take a shine to my new look. I've already received rave reviews from the gay community. They say I look like a young Stanley Torres.
last remaining smart blog on saipan, saipan tribune, marianas variety
Looks like I won't have any worries finding a date to Carnival this year but I wonder if that means I should run for office this year under the Ole Coot Party. More to come soon!