Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Debatable Performance

Anyone out there in the blog world happen to drop by the Saipan Chamber of Commerce's Gubernatorial Debate last night? The Yapper did, and I saw three guys and a smoked out piece of tar answering questions, tap dancing, and pointing fingers at one another.

Juanpan's answer on Article XII was precious. He could be the next bread making celebrity on Dancing with the Stars. "I don't think that Article XII is an issue for the Governor. I think it should be decided by the people. The Governor should not make Constitutional decisions."

In the words of Team America's Carson, "Jesus Titty Fucking Christ!"

Nice try oh tapper of dance. The only thing weaker than your Article XII answers was your solutionless five-minute closing. I often enjoy a tall glass of milk with my goodies from Herman's Modern Bakery, but after hearing your answers last night, the only question I could think of was, "Got Substance?"

Next please.

The crypt keeper sitting next to you wasn't all that much better. Actually, he was worse. There wasn't an answer given by Kumoi that didn't included the CUC. He seriously attributes every problem that faces the CNMI to the CUC running diesel instead of his super heavy fuel.

It's like playing Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon with that generators at CUC. If you asked him how his mother was doing today, Kumoi would tell you how much better she would be if the generators were running on heavy fuel.

Ask Kumoi what he had for lunch last week Tuesday and he'll tell you that he had a BLT from Bobby Cadillac's that was $0.25 more expensive than it should have been because the owners raised their prices to help pay for their CUC bill, which of course would've been far less had the CUC stuck to it's heavy fuel that the generators were designed for.

Now for the sitting Governor, Ben Fitial. In what was his most damning statement of the evening, Fitial acknowledged the rampant use of emergency declarations and admitted that he has done so because he lacked sufficient support in the legislature to right the ship at CUC, CHC, and the CPA.

Earth to Beloved Leader, did you just say that you circumvented our system of checks and balances because you weren't satisfied with the support level from the legislators or did I miss the part where you said that there was an actual emergency that demanded a legitimate declaration?

Confucius say, "Do not stick penis in own ass."

I think you just fucked yourself, Benigno.

Now for Captain Ketchup.

Heinz was definitely the belle at the ball last night. He was well spoken, delivered answers and provided solutions to the Commonwealth's ills. Am I 100% behind him? Not yet, but last night he continued his domination of Fitial that began during the CREAM debate.

Hofschneider could be a welcome change to 'Better Times" but I think he should win the election purely for comedic value. If he gets the most votes next month, people can walk up to Heniz and call him "Half-A-Governor" with a straight face and receive a smile from our cute little Yapese half-pint.

I just hope he keeps his little packets of ketchup to himself. Heinz seems to be winning the race so far, and the last thing he needs is another secretary scandal.