Saturday, October 31, 2009

Barenaked Lawns on the Way

Thank God that we've only got to listen to lousy music from the runaway campaign trucks for another seven days. It's hard to believe that in one week I will be casting my ballot for the next governor of the CNMI, the next mayor of Saipan (or who I like to call Mr. Irrelevant), the next two senators of the CNMI and the next thousand or so representatives.

I'm looking forward to voting for just about all of the races, but does the House of Representatives still have any relevance today?

Let's face it, even though they can author bills that could possibly become laws, our House of Representatives will make about as much difference in the CNMI as the Municipal Councils. People, if a mook like Ray Palacios can win a seat, anyone can win a seat.

Do you know Ray Palacios? He's the guy who used to make a living keeping score at local baseball and softball games as well as by serving as a bilingual teacher at a local elementary school. I use the term "teacher" loosely because everyone knows that bilingual teachers aren't actually teachers.

How is that?

Mainly because all you need is the ability to speak Chamorro in order to get in front of a class and collect a paycheck. You don't even need to speak English all that well to do it either, not to mention attain any level of certification (say Praxis).

Ray won a seat with the Covenant Party the last time around after Oscar Babauta (Corruptimus Prime) campaigned hard for him as another Covenant Clan Ungan-Man. Will he win again? Let's just say that Ray has his eye on the prize.

While we're on the topic of wasted campaign money, how much do you figure that the Republican and Covenant parties have spent on their respective mega-rallies? Think about how many thousands of campaign dollars were spent on Budweiser and Bud Light.

Think I'm kidding? Think again.

Election years are amazing for MARPAC (I’m not so sure the same goes for the Miller Lite peddlers down the street) as hundreds of drunken voters down can after can of “Election Juice” before driving away with a DPS-issued “Get out of jail free” card.

Why is this? It’s culture, ne.

Let’s get down to it:

We’ve got four candidates for governor. Do we keep the same guy in office or do we toss him out on his colostomy bag an usher in a new era of bad leadership? It doesn’t matter who wins next week’s election because all four of the candidates won’t be the savior that the Commonwealth so desperately needs.

Maybe we should start with the candidate who sucks the most and work our way backward. If there’s anything we know how to do here on Saipan it’s work our way backward.

4th Place: Occupying the role of suckiest candidate is Ramon Kumoi Guerrero. Kumoi has only one skill, and I don’t mean the ability to light a cigarette and inhale the whole thing with one toke. Kumoi possesses the dangerous ability to rile up the lowlifes into a CUC-driven frenzy.

This relic is the Keith Richards of the political scene. I don’t know how he’s managed to stay alive this long. For him, nicotine is like a performance enhancing steroid that keeps him going like a smoked out Energizer bunny.

He’s got nothing to say about the race that doesn’t somehow link to CUC but enough rabble will vote for this waste of space because they’ll get hooked into his lies. Actually, I don’t think he’s lying at all. I think that Kumoi seriously believes the crap he’s saying will actually work. Tar-induced Dementia has a way of doing that to a man.

3rd Place: Juanpan Guerrero’s campaign might have less substance than Kumoi but at least regular people actually respect a man who operates a number of businesses on Saipan. He demonstrated his deft tap dancing skills in previous debates, but his platform isn’t all it’s baked up to be.

To be sure, Juanpan is not as dumb as he looks or sounds. He can come off like a real idiot at times (okay, most of the time), but he knows how to get results when it counts. While he will never admit it, he’s smart enough to get help from people who know what they’re talking about in order to accomplish the mission.

Why else would he sound so well in prepared speeches and fail so badly in one-on-one conversations?

The Duke of Danish has a chance in this election, but he won’t likely land a spot in the runoff election.

2nd place: This might be a step down for the CNMI Governor, but placing second in the election will save him from actually stepping down in the future. You’ve got to hand it to Benigno Fitial for holding down a bum job in a bum economy.

Some think that the broken down dictator was terrible for the CNMI but others thank him for their undeserved government positions. When Fitial no longer has the ability to care for himself, Melvin Faisao should get down on his knees and wipe the ass of the man who gave him a good paying job.

Faisao shouldn’t even be allowed to sell popcorn at Hollywood Theaters much less hold down high ranking government positions. How about Ray Mafnas? This guy’s resume boasted that he was voted as “Most Likely to play B.A. Baracus for the Chamorro A-Team” and that he can rip apart the CNMI phonebook on only three tries.

Who else? How about Sylvan Igisomar? This lumpy guy was made up of previously chewed betel nut and bitter melon, jammed into a burlap sack and dressed up in a shirt and tie to help keep the sack closed at the top.

Don’t even get me started on Del Rosario.

Four more years of these three idiots lands Fitial the runner-up spot.

1st Place: The Yapper gives credit where credit is due and Heinz Hofschneider is due loads of credit for his lead it the Gubernatorial race. The well-spoken half-pint is going to be our next governor because of the runoff election.

And that’s it.

It’s not because the masses believe that he is the best man for the job (although plenty do, ne). Fitial will get a lot of votes, Juanpan will get a bunch of votes and Kumoi will get a lot of votes. The thing is that when Fitial and Hofschneider go head-to-head in Ed Propst’s dream match, the knee-high Napoleon will come out on top.

Does he have a better direction for the CNMI? Maybe and maybe not, but he isn’t promising a shoe factory or a peanut factory either. Sorry Benigno-no, but you’re going to lose this time around. No offense, but it still won't make all that much difference to the Commonwealth as a whole.

Fitial's ouster and 11,000 Saipanda backpacks won't amount to a hill of beans for the CNMI's dwindling tourism numbers, but it might be a start. So now I'm wondering what candidate is going to bring back the hot Japanese tourists who have left for cleaner pastures.

Maybe that will be the basis for my platform...