Saturday, October 31, 2009

Barenaked Lawns on the Way

Thank God that we've only got to listen to lousy music from the runaway campaign trucks for another seven days. It's hard to believe that in one week I will be casting my ballot for the next governor of the CNMI, the next mayor of Saipan (or who I like to call Mr. Irrelevant), the next two senators of the CNMI and the next thousand or so representatives.

I'm looking forward to voting for just about all of the races, but does the House of Representatives still have any relevance today?

Let's face it, even though they can author bills that could possibly become laws, our House of Representatives will make about as much difference in the CNMI as the Municipal Councils. People, if a mook like Ray Palacios can win a seat, anyone can win a seat.

Do you know Ray Palacios? He's the guy who used to make a living keeping score at local baseball and softball games as well as by serving as a bilingual teacher at a local elementary school. I use the term "teacher" loosely because everyone knows that bilingual teachers aren't actually teachers.

How is that?

Mainly because all you need is the ability to speak Chamorro in order to get in front of a class and collect a paycheck. You don't even need to speak English all that well to do it either, not to mention attain any level of certification (say Praxis).

Ray won a seat with the Covenant Party the last time around after Oscar Babauta (Corruptimus Prime) campaigned hard for him as another Covenant Clan Ungan-Man. Will he win again? Let's just say that Ray has his eye on the prize.

While we're on the topic of wasted campaign money, how much do you figure that the Republican and Covenant parties have spent on their respective mega-rallies? Think about how many thousands of campaign dollars were spent on Budweiser and Bud Light.

Think I'm kidding? Think again.

Election years are amazing for MARPAC (I’m not so sure the same goes for the Miller Lite peddlers down the street) as hundreds of drunken voters down can after can of “Election Juice” before driving away with a DPS-issued “Get out of jail free” card.

Why is this? It’s culture, ne.

Let’s get down to it:

We’ve got four candidates for governor. Do we keep the same guy in office or do we toss him out on his colostomy bag an usher in a new era of bad leadership? It doesn’t matter who wins next week’s election because all four of the candidates won’t be the savior that the Commonwealth so desperately needs.

Maybe we should start with the candidate who sucks the most and work our way backward. If there’s anything we know how to do here on Saipan it’s work our way backward.

4th Place: Occupying the role of suckiest candidate is Ramon Kumoi Guerrero. Kumoi has only one skill, and I don’t mean the ability to light a cigarette and inhale the whole thing with one toke. Kumoi possesses the dangerous ability to rile up the lowlifes into a CUC-driven frenzy.

This relic is the Keith Richards of the political scene. I don’t know how he’s managed to stay alive this long. For him, nicotine is like a performance enhancing steroid that keeps him going like a smoked out Energizer bunny.

He’s got nothing to say about the race that doesn’t somehow link to CUC but enough rabble will vote for this waste of space because they’ll get hooked into his lies. Actually, I don’t think he’s lying at all. I think that Kumoi seriously believes the crap he’s saying will actually work. Tar-induced Dementia has a way of doing that to a man.

3rd Place: Juanpan Guerrero’s campaign might have less substance than Kumoi but at least regular people actually respect a man who operates a number of businesses on Saipan. He demonstrated his deft tap dancing skills in previous debates, but his platform isn’t all it’s baked up to be.

To be sure, Juanpan is not as dumb as he looks or sounds. He can come off like a real idiot at times (okay, most of the time), but he knows how to get results when it counts. While he will never admit it, he’s smart enough to get help from people who know what they’re talking about in order to accomplish the mission.

Why else would he sound so well in prepared speeches and fail so badly in one-on-one conversations?

The Duke of Danish has a chance in this election, but he won’t likely land a spot in the runoff election.

2nd place: This might be a step down for the CNMI Governor, but placing second in the election will save him from actually stepping down in the future. You’ve got to hand it to Benigno Fitial for holding down a bum job in a bum economy.

Some think that the broken down dictator was terrible for the CNMI but others thank him for their undeserved government positions. When Fitial no longer has the ability to care for himself, Melvin Faisao should get down on his knees and wipe the ass of the man who gave him a good paying job.

Faisao shouldn’t even be allowed to sell popcorn at Hollywood Theaters much less hold down high ranking government positions. How about Ray Mafnas? This guy’s resume boasted that he was voted as “Most Likely to play B.A. Baracus for the Chamorro A-Team” and that he can rip apart the CNMI phonebook on only three tries.

Who else? How about Sylvan Igisomar? This lumpy guy was made up of previously chewed betel nut and bitter melon, jammed into a burlap sack and dressed up in a shirt and tie to help keep the sack closed at the top.

Don’t even get me started on Del Rosario.

Four more years of these three idiots lands Fitial the runner-up spot.

1st Place: The Yapper gives credit where credit is due and Heinz Hofschneider is due loads of credit for his lead it the Gubernatorial race. The well-spoken half-pint is going to be our next governor because of the runoff election.

And that’s it.

It’s not because the masses believe that he is the best man for the job (although plenty do, ne). Fitial will get a lot of votes, Juanpan will get a bunch of votes and Kumoi will get a lot of votes. The thing is that when Fitial and Hofschneider go head-to-head in Ed Propst’s dream match, the knee-high Napoleon will come out on top.

Does he have a better direction for the CNMI? Maybe and maybe not, but he isn’t promising a shoe factory or a peanut factory either. Sorry Benigno-no, but you’re going to lose this time around. No offense, but it still won't make all that much difference to the Commonwealth as a whole.

Fitial's ouster and 11,000 Saipanda backpacks won't amount to a hill of beans for the CNMI's dwindling tourism numbers, but it might be a start. So now I'm wondering what candidate is going to bring back the hot Japanese tourists who have left for cleaner pastures.

Maybe that will be the basis for my platform...

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Debatable Performance

Anyone out there in the blog world happen to drop by the Saipan Chamber of Commerce's Gubernatorial Debate last night? The Yapper did, and I saw three guys and a smoked out piece of tar answering questions, tap dancing, and pointing fingers at one another.

Juanpan's answer on Article XII was precious. He could be the next bread making celebrity on Dancing with the Stars. "I don't think that Article XII is an issue for the Governor. I think it should be decided by the people. The Governor should not make Constitutional decisions."

In the words of Team America's Carson, "Jesus Titty Fucking Christ!"

Nice try oh tapper of dance. The only thing weaker than your Article XII answers was your solutionless five-minute closing. I often enjoy a tall glass of milk with my goodies from Herman's Modern Bakery, but after hearing your answers last night, the only question I could think of was, "Got Substance?"

Next please.

The crypt keeper sitting next to you wasn't all that much better. Actually, he was worse. There wasn't an answer given by Kumoi that didn't included the CUC. He seriously attributes every problem that faces the CNMI to the CUC running diesel instead of his super heavy fuel.

It's like playing Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon with that generators at CUC. If you asked him how his mother was doing today, Kumoi would tell you how much better she would be if the generators were running on heavy fuel.

Ask Kumoi what he had for lunch last week Tuesday and he'll tell you that he had a BLT from Bobby Cadillac's that was $0.25 more expensive than it should have been because the owners raised their prices to help pay for their CUC bill, which of course would've been far less had the CUC stuck to it's heavy fuel that the generators were designed for.

Now for the sitting Governor, Ben Fitial. In what was his most damning statement of the evening, Fitial acknowledged the rampant use of emergency declarations and admitted that he has done so because he lacked sufficient support in the legislature to right the ship at CUC, CHC, and the CPA.

Earth to Beloved Leader, did you just say that you circumvented our system of checks and balances because you weren't satisfied with the support level from the legislators or did I miss the part where you said that there was an actual emergency that demanded a legitimate declaration?

Confucius say, "Do not stick penis in own ass."

I think you just fucked yourself, Benigno.

Now for Captain Ketchup.

Heinz was definitely the belle at the ball last night. He was well spoken, delivered answers and provided solutions to the Commonwealth's ills. Am I 100% behind him? Not yet, but last night he continued his domination of Fitial that began during the CREAM debate.

Hofschneider could be a welcome change to 'Better Times" but I think he should win the election purely for comedic value. If he gets the most votes next month, people can walk up to Heniz and call him "Half-A-Governor" with a straight face and receive a smile from our cute little Yapese half-pint.

I just hope he keeps his little packets of ketchup to himself. Heinz seems to be winning the race so far, and the last thing he needs is another secretary scandal.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Another Gripe?

I swear to SPAM that the people who run CUC could care less about their customers. Not giving a shit about me as a customer is one thing, but do they have to be so damn smug about it? What the flying fuck is up with them running the aircons at full blast anyway? Is Tony Muna trying to help drive business to his wife's locally made sweater company? And what are they making those sweaters out of? I'll tell you what, it's people! Muna's sweaters are made of pee-puhl!!

Friday, October 23, 2009

Today's Gripe

Hafa Adai Junior Yappers!

Time for me to get the wheels churning again and nothing beats a Daily Gripe from the Daily Yapper. Today's gripe: Anonymous Bloggers.

There's nothing I hate more than an anonymous blogger. Man those cowardly little fuckers really piss me off. Every time their fingers molest innocent qwerty keyboards across the globe I feel a little bit worse. Yes they're writing but it's like having our environmental movement being pushed ahead by Patrick Calvo's green thumb. Ewwwww!

Not sure how he's going to enjoy being the belle at the ball sac, but I imagine he's not going to ask for seconds in the knees-first chow line. Picture an inmate in his jumpsuit playing the role of Maitre d' in their shared prison cell. "Calvo, party of one."

No tables or chairs required, sir. Same for utensils, save for this fleshy straw.

Speaking of sucking, did anyone hear Greg Cruz sucking off Kumoi "I Don't have a chance to win the election this November" Guerrero during the Saipan Chamber of Commerce debate? I thought I was watching Brokeback Mountain! Taotao TwoOfUs was deeper into Kumoi's ass than Tony Benavente is into Mayor Juan Tudela.

And while we're on the subject of assy mayors, I wonder who will win the nod for the biggest nothing job. I see a pile of people running for a job which traditionally serves the public as a water and gravel provider.


Oh wait, as Mayor of Saipan you are also required to show up to any and every local function, get drunk and claim credit for what was done. Yep, I see a lot of worthless candidates who are more than qualified for that one.

There might be one candidate who could possibly do something positive for Saipan that doesn't involve the construction of picnic tables, but I think he's too qualified. We're talking about someone who could land a real job that demands results.

...and I'm not speaking about Candi Taman. Jesus Kristo Rai, is that guy hilarious! He's the first person turned down for employment at McDonald's because he was unqualified to flip burgers.

Unqualified? Want to talk about unqualified? How about the Destructive Driver of Dan Dan who is still "qualified" to have a license despite the fact that she drove over a kid while speeding through the village? Ana Teregeyo is sporting a brace on her arm because she can no longer shoulder the guilt of being a child murderer.

Or not.

Runaway Ana might get a few votes from the Covenant Party this year, but anyone who thinks that our leaders should be examples of how to do things should never, ever, ever vote for this irresponsible lady.


Speaking of killer, Saipan experienced some killer waves when Typhoon Melor blew through and a lot of loony haoles took to the lagoon in search of surf. I think almost all of them made it back, but shouldn't DPS be more than a little upset with this?

Seriously, DPS has an inflatable boat and a few life jackets. Too bad none of our local cops can swim. So who fishes the surfer boys out of the water when the tide is high? The ghost of Jim Bell?(RIP Jim. Hope you found what you were looking for out in the big blue.)

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

So it's down to me?

Is it true that Pragmatic Plato has been exposed? In any event, he or she has stopped blogging. Plato isn't the only one. My idol and anonymous friend, Lil Hammerhead is also out of the blogging business.

I miss her.

So does that mean that I have to pick up the mantle for responsible blogging and start writing once again? What do you think?

I offer an open invitation to Plato and Hammerhead to join me. All you have to do is drop me an email at and we can get going right away!

I don't think I've ever been into the gossip column business so I will leave the alleged names out of this post. Their identity doesn't really matter to me other than I would enjoy getting together with them for some coffee, wine or beer.