Friday, December 11, 2009

It's Official!

Dear Junior Yappers,

Like thousands of people before me, I am packing my bags and heading for the mainland. Life sometimes delivers opportunities and those opportunities rarely knock twice.

It wasn't an easy decision to trade paradise for a paycheck and I'm hardly the first to do so. Everyone has a reason for leaving and the bottom line was mine.

I consider myself lucky to have spent the past couple of years on this beautiful island and to have met the select group of people who dedicated themselves to change.

Talking shit is my thing, but much like that big new building in Garapan, I Love Saipan! The jobless rate in The States is not any better than here but the compensation sure is!

I am just as lucky for reaching the next step on the ladder of life as I am to have found Saipan, Tinian, and Rota. After applying to numerous companies, waiting, checking the mailbox (physical and electronic), and fielding offers, I've finally found my penguin.


I'm off to the mainland with a heavy heart, but I will keep an eye on the CNMI and keep an ear to the shells on the shores on the other side of the Pacific. Since making my decision four weeks ago, surprise has given way to excitement, which has given way to anxiety, which has given way to the unstoppable march of time.

And now that time is up.

See you in The States,

The Yapper

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Five More Years

It's over! Once again, Better Times beat Better Limes. The names of the LT's might have changed but the Green Machine downed the Half-Yapese Half-Pint by 370 votes to continue his rule over the serfs and vassals of Saipan, Tinian and Rota.

Defectors who sought change have already begun to lose their jobs but the action at the chopping block is far from over. Expect plenty of blood to be spilled in the coming days and weeks as the Executive Branch conducts summary executions across the board.

The CNMI is about to have a Legislature without a woman and the first governor with a nine-year rein. It was the Republicans who sounded the trumpets for a runoff that "a Carolinian could never win."

Ah, sweet irony.

Was it one of the biggest miscalculations in recent local political history? Maybe, but maybe not. Fitial was only the second governor to win a re-election bid, but he would have lost were it not for the runoff.

By eight votes!!!

So begins the grading season for those touting the benefits of "continued leadership" and stability...and the exodus. Studies at Yapper Central showed that people would have left the islands had the election had gone the other way, so the election results aren't the problem.

Monday, December 7, 2009

Today's The Day

All of the absentee ballots are here and today we're going to find out who will be in charge of the CNMI for the next five years. There shouldn't be too much of a change in the lead as the incumbent has a 501-vote lead over his chief rival.

Now it's just a waiting game, but it's a game that will end by the end of the day.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Another State of Emergency?

Should we even be surprised?

Wouldn't it be easier for everyone involved if the local media informs us when we're not in a State of Emergency?

Dear Saipan Tribune and Marianas Variety, You can save a lot of shitload of time, paper, and ink by passing on the emergency declarations and waiting for the all-clear from the apparent all-seer. In the meantime, would you mind filling the blank pages with a larger comics section? That's the only part I can read these days.


The Yapper

Has the Census Lost Its Senses?

Big money is available for one and all thanks to the return of the people counters. Yes, Census 2010 is offering up to $25 per hour to count people and interpret for the counters.

Not a bad deal at all.

While hundreds of eligible workers should rush out for one of the jobs, there will be a number of obstacles in their way.

Many fear losing their place in line at Nutrition Assistance but the most difficult barrier between job seekers and gainful employment is the urinalysis.

The "piss test" might piss a few people off, but more than 350 part-time and full-time positions need to get filled by drug-free U.S. Citizens. That wasn't a problem for the first NMI census in 1950, but there weren't all that many people to count back then.

So what's the big deal? The Census data will determine how more than $400 billion in federal funds is passed out to local, state and tribal governments each year (Are we tribal?). That means that we'll either get more food stamps or less food stamps and highway funds based on this report.

Just think of all the extra Rydlyme we could buy!

With headquarters in the U.S. Mainland, Census 2010 has a decent understanding of the island lifestyle. Rather than hurry people in for jobs that start now, officials employed the time honored local party planning technique by telling everyone to come an hour earlier than the start time. In this case, the actual census date will not start until April 1 (April Fool's Day).

So here's the pay broken down by position:

Office operations staff or clerks: $12.50 an hour
Enumerators: $15.94 an hour
Crew Leader Assistants: $15.94 an hour
Crew Leaders: $17.19 an hour
Field Operations Supervisors: $18.75 an hour.
Interpreters: $25 an hour.

Looks like there's a huge advantage to being a Crew Leaders over those lowly Crew Leader Assistants. Title has its privileges, but those privileges don't include extra pay. Another letdown is the guaranteed number of hours. Full-time and part-time workers will be required to work 10 to 40 hours per week.

Sounds great, maybe.

New jobs are good, but one of the downsides for the new moneymakers is that the duration of their employment will be limited to as little as a few weeks to as much as a few months.

So what's next for the people counters? Why their old spot in line, of course! At least there will be a lot of people who will benefit from the experience. A number of first time workers will be spoiled by the lack of work for high pay. That should get them lined up for cushy government jobs.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Hafa Stay?

Much like thousands of Johns who visited the CNMI, "F-Day" came and went. So what happens next? We're still standing. Businesses haven't collapsed yet. Overstayers haven't been horded into 40' containers and shipped home.

So maybe federalization wasn't the worst case scenario that many predicted.


Local businesses won't seriously feel the pinch for at least a couple of years, but every month brings each minimum wage earner a step closer to a $.50/hr. pay hike. How long will that last? That's the $64,000 question.

With only highly qualified laborers being allowed to stick around Saipan's shores for the long haul, Congressman Kilili Salan and Governor Benigno Fitial managed to secure "parole" for four groups of non-residents.

So who gets a Get Out of Jail Free card? Not the so-called "overstayers." According to the Feds, there will not be an amnesty provision in the Consolidated Natural Resources Act or the federalization law for “overstayers” in the CNMI.

Glad I went Rihanna and got under my Umbrella-ella-ella-ey-ey-ey.

Ice Dealers Hard To Find?

We here at Yap Central are "plenty happy" that the local ice peddlers are being rounded up and prosecuted. So why it's so difficult to wrangle the ice traffickers?

We know where they are!

We know where they make it!

They've even become so bold as to sell it in stores and promote home delivery!

The Office of the Attorney General is chasing down Junding Qiu for the possession and delivery of ice in two separate incidents in October, but what about the Lower Base Mafia that's been producing pure ice for almost 35 years?

Munson Retiring

The man who won the west with nothing but his Winchester and his dog Ol' Blue is calling it a career, but is the judge really going to retire for good?

Let's face it, the guy has been a chief judge since the Reagan years. That means he's seen a lot of cases. So why retire now?

Do you think he was worn out by the Villagomez trial? Was it all of the gum chewing and jumbled seating arrangements? Maybe he decided to pack up and leave Saipan after we got our street signs and only now decided to act on it.

Munson and his wife have been on Saipan for almost three decades and it's clear that the local lifestyle rubbed off on him because, like many locals before him, he packed his belongings and moved to Idaho.

Good luck, Judge. Thanks for bagging one last big fish before you left.

New Quarters On The Way

But who can afford them?

According to an early report from the local branch of Census 2010, not about 60% of the workforce. The good news is that the CNMI will finally get some quality "press" for the first time in a long while. The bad news is that most of those quarters will be remitted back to the home countries of the Commonwealth's guest workforce via Western Union.

The United States Mint opted to commemorate the CNMI through the printing of hundreds of thousands of 25-cent pieces in the U.S. mainland and people across America reacted in much the same way throughout each of the fifty states.

"What the hell is the see-en-em-eye and why the hell is it on my money?"

U.S. Rep. Gregorio Kilili C. Sablan believes that “Every time someone pulls one of these shiny numbers out their pocket they will be reminded of the Northern Marianas..."

I suppose that's much the same way that thousands of tourists are reminded of the working women of Garapan each time they put their hand in their pocket and pull out an old condom wrapper.

The official Northern Mariana Islands quarter release event takes place at the American Memorial Park on Wednesday, Dec. 10, where the public may purchase the Northern Marianas coins or trade their old quarters for the new.

Unfortunately, the the new quarters may only be obtained through the exchange of legal tender as the U.S. Treasury Department does not accept Food Stamp.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Can of Worms?

Thanks to my new friend and new celebrity commenter, Melvin Faisao, I have a new interest in life that revolves around the campaign contributions of our local government officials. It's nothing that isn't easily found on Google so it shouldn't be a shock.

Second, I never knew that Melvin had such a passion for the politics of Indiana. Wow Melvin, you're so global! So what is it about Dan Burton that made you want to support his campaign?

For instance, did you know that Lt. Governor Eloy Inos contributed to a number of lobbying groups in the mainland U.S.? How many regular people in the Marianas are interested in furthering the Hoosier Political Action Committee? Indiana? Really? You're not done, Eloy. How about the thousands of dollars you contributed to lobbying groups like the Keep Our Mission PAC?

Well, that's not big deal. How about our Governor Benigno Fitial? He's kind of boring, but why would he be interested in Bob Schaffer's run for a Colorado Senate seat? Oh, and how about his other contributions to lobbying groups?

Don't worry, I'm not only into tracking down one party. How about Heinz Hofschneider? Hmm, interesting. Seems as thought he hasn't contributed. Wow, same goes for Arnold Palacios. Just for kicks, let's see what Google turns up on Juan Lizama.

Well that was about as expected as Tuesday morning after Monday night. All of his contributions were to himself. I knew he spent a lot of time with himself. I just didn't realize that he paid himself for all of that "extra time" spent in the bathroom.

More to come!

Monday, November 30, 2009

True Tragedy

It is with a heavy heart that I relay to you the official death of one of my favorite reads. News of the loss reopened the pain that I felt when my idol, Lil Hammerhead, abruptly removed the comment section and stopped writing her blog.

Tonight I was saddened to learn that Ed Propst's blog is no longer available for public consumption. That leaves me with only Saipan Middle Road as my source for gossip and smack talk. Perhaps I should lead the life of Ghandi and "Be the change I want to see in the world."

I'm not into the whole fasting scene, but I can try. But what should I read for pure enjoyment?

No, not the Marianas Variety or the Saipan Tribune. They aren't so funny anymore. So what, or rather who then?

I beg the Marianas to produce a writer who can tickle my funny bone. Are you out there?

A Question for Melvin Faisao

Dear Melvin,

Out of curiosity, where did you reside and what was your occupation in 1996 when you contributed $3,000 to the Tom DeLay's Congressional Committee and $2,000 to the Dan Burton For Congress Committee?

Just curious as to your means and motivation behind your support of a future felon and former Representative of the 22nd Texas Congressional District.

Your No. 1 Fan,

The Yapper

Saturday, November 28, 2009

Finally the Weekend!

Well it's about fucking time that this week is over. Now we're 10 days away from an official winner in the CNMI's runoff election. Who will win the high-voltage match between the power of ketchup and the lack of stable power?

If "Bitter Ed" has his way it will be the blue team all the way. If "Terrible Teresa" gets her way it will be the green dream team. If Charles Reyes gets his way he will resign and take a job with the Census 2010 team.

One bald guy is happy, but who is next in line for the administration? Will Ed Propst land a PIO job with the HAdminstration or will the Queen of Mean continue her reign of terror in typhoon country?

I'm not sure which is better or worse: someone who is well-intentioned but doesn't have any experience writing non-emotional paragraphs or the cruel woman who once wrote "Surrender Dorothy" in the sky.

501 votes is a lot of votes.

I'm not so sure that the HA camp can overcome this number with little only 1,000 absentee ballots yet to be counted. My guess is that Saipan's Teresarist will continue to mount her broom high above the Marianas for the next five years.

I really don't care who is the next governor, but that vindictive bitch scares the shit out of me. She's a strong woman. So was the East German women's Olympic team. This freakishly proportioned "lady" can do push-ups WITHOUT USING HER HANDS!!!!

I'm talking about titty push-ups, people. Titty push-ups! While I am somewhat impressed, sort of intimidated and maybe even a little bit jealous, I think that the people of the Pacific should be wary of her powers.

The dark side of the force is strong with this one. I mean, look at her attempt to lift an X-Wing Fighter here while the evil empress enjoys the show.

"What is your bidding, my mistress?"

If "Fitittyal" wins, pray there isn't a Covenant Party trilogy.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Double Fuck The Marianas Variety

Yes, I said it. Twice.

Dear Marianas Variety,

Fuck you and your mother fucking policy of banning my comments. I am a registered user on your site and the most benign of my comments are washed away by your censoring hand. Fuck you and your fat ass president, too.


The Yapper

PS-Happy Thanksgiving, Fuckface

Saturday, November 21, 2009


Today was a dark day in the history of the CNMI as a lone gunman terrorized our island. I don't have anything witty to say about it.

Four people are dead, two of them children. Six more are wounded. Seven if you count the heart of the Marianas. Eight if you count the CNMI's tourism industry.

This is what happens when a regular person with access to weapons suddenly snaps. And to think that someone still thinks that everyone should have access to small arms.

Try to imagine how often this sort of think might occur if anyone could own weapons on Saipan.

Sunday, November 1, 2009

File this under "W"

...for Who Gives A Shit.

Sorry Mister Lizama, but nobody cares about what a washed-up ex-judge thinks about Governor Fitial's lawsuit. Actually, nobody cares about anything you have to say about anything.

First of all, you're jobless. Your role as an influential figure (albeit a shitty one) is fading faster than Eloy Inos' hairline (or yours, for that matter). So why would bumbling ex-Judge Lizama feel the need to send a press release to the Saipan Tribune?

If anything, the Tribune's editor should've enjoyed a good laugh at Lizama's self-important email and replied with a request that the faux story be rewritten for placement in the Letter to the Editor section.

Senor Lizama, you've got this whole media thing all wrong. The only people who are allowed to refer to themselves in the third-person are ego-inflated athletes and celebrities. You are neither. You're a pompous ass who did the CNMI a favor by stepping down as a judge.

And thanks for that!

Did you really feel that your endorsement would help? Maybe you're a Heinz fan and thought that your endorsement would likely hurt Fitial's reelection bid? I don't know for sure what your motivation was behind your self-penned piece but I know that the only significance that your letter had to the world was that it gave me another reason to write.

Thanks again :)

*BTW, Google Judge Juan Lizama and see what pops up first

Happy Birthday Internet!

Just like Joe Camacho's runaway waistline, the Internet had to start somewhere. Thanks to a few forward thinking nerds and geeks from the University of California, we now enjoy a world of communication (and more importantly, porn) that was (much like the green chick that Captain Kirk hooked up with) previously the stuff of fantasy.

I find it hilarious that the receiving computer crashed before it could handle the entire first message. Perhaps it was one of the early sensitive models that expected the inaugural information transmission to read "loser" instead of "login."

Without a doubt, we bloggers owe it to the pocket protector-wearing pioneers for allowing our voices to be heard around the world. All of this because some basement denizens decided to turn Dungeons & Dragons into a MMORPG.

Saturday, October 31, 2009

Barenaked Lawns on the Way

Thank God that we've only got to listen to lousy music from the runaway campaign trucks for another seven days. It's hard to believe that in one week I will be casting my ballot for the next governor of the CNMI, the next mayor of Saipan (or who I like to call Mr. Irrelevant), the next two senators of the CNMI and the next thousand or so representatives.

I'm looking forward to voting for just about all of the races, but does the House of Representatives still have any relevance today?

Let's face it, even though they can author bills that could possibly become laws, our House of Representatives will make about as much difference in the CNMI as the Municipal Councils. People, if a mook like Ray Palacios can win a seat, anyone can win a seat.

Do you know Ray Palacios? He's the guy who used to make a living keeping score at local baseball and softball games as well as by serving as a bilingual teacher at a local elementary school. I use the term "teacher" loosely because everyone knows that bilingual teachers aren't actually teachers.

How is that?

Mainly because all you need is the ability to speak Chamorro in order to get in front of a class and collect a paycheck. You don't even need to speak English all that well to do it either, not to mention attain any level of certification (say Praxis).

Ray won a seat with the Covenant Party the last time around after Oscar Babauta (Corruptimus Prime) campaigned hard for him as another Covenant Clan Ungan-Man. Will he win again? Let's just say that Ray has his eye on the prize.

While we're on the topic of wasted campaign money, how much do you figure that the Republican and Covenant parties have spent on their respective mega-rallies? Think about how many thousands of campaign dollars were spent on Budweiser and Bud Light.

Think I'm kidding? Think again.

Election years are amazing for MARPAC (I’m not so sure the same goes for the Miller Lite peddlers down the street) as hundreds of drunken voters down can after can of “Election Juice” before driving away with a DPS-issued “Get out of jail free” card.

Why is this? It’s culture, ne.

Let’s get down to it:

We’ve got four candidates for governor. Do we keep the same guy in office or do we toss him out on his colostomy bag an usher in a new era of bad leadership? It doesn’t matter who wins next week’s election because all four of the candidates won’t be the savior that the Commonwealth so desperately needs.

Maybe we should start with the candidate who sucks the most and work our way backward. If there’s anything we know how to do here on Saipan it’s work our way backward.

4th Place: Occupying the role of suckiest candidate is Ramon Kumoi Guerrero. Kumoi has only one skill, and I don’t mean the ability to light a cigarette and inhale the whole thing with one toke. Kumoi possesses the dangerous ability to rile up the lowlifes into a CUC-driven frenzy.

This relic is the Keith Richards of the political scene. I don’t know how he’s managed to stay alive this long. For him, nicotine is like a performance enhancing steroid that keeps him going like a smoked out Energizer bunny.

He’s got nothing to say about the race that doesn’t somehow link to CUC but enough rabble will vote for this waste of space because they’ll get hooked into his lies. Actually, I don’t think he’s lying at all. I think that Kumoi seriously believes the crap he’s saying will actually work. Tar-induced Dementia has a way of doing that to a man.

3rd Place: Juanpan Guerrero’s campaign might have less substance than Kumoi but at least regular people actually respect a man who operates a number of businesses on Saipan. He demonstrated his deft tap dancing skills in previous debates, but his platform isn’t all it’s baked up to be.

To be sure, Juanpan is not as dumb as he looks or sounds. He can come off like a real idiot at times (okay, most of the time), but he knows how to get results when it counts. While he will never admit it, he’s smart enough to get help from people who know what they’re talking about in order to accomplish the mission.

Why else would he sound so well in prepared speeches and fail so badly in one-on-one conversations?

The Duke of Danish has a chance in this election, but he won’t likely land a spot in the runoff election.

2nd place: This might be a step down for the CNMI Governor, but placing second in the election will save him from actually stepping down in the future. You’ve got to hand it to Benigno Fitial for holding down a bum job in a bum economy.

Some think that the broken down dictator was terrible for the CNMI but others thank him for their undeserved government positions. When Fitial no longer has the ability to care for himself, Melvin Faisao should get down on his knees and wipe the ass of the man who gave him a good paying job.

Faisao shouldn’t even be allowed to sell popcorn at Hollywood Theaters much less hold down high ranking government positions. How about Ray Mafnas? This guy’s resume boasted that he was voted as “Most Likely to play B.A. Baracus for the Chamorro A-Team” and that he can rip apart the CNMI phonebook on only three tries.

Who else? How about Sylvan Igisomar? This lumpy guy was made up of previously chewed betel nut and bitter melon, jammed into a burlap sack and dressed up in a shirt and tie to help keep the sack closed at the top.

Don’t even get me started on Del Rosario.

Four more years of these three idiots lands Fitial the runner-up spot.

1st Place: The Yapper gives credit where credit is due and Heinz Hofschneider is due loads of credit for his lead it the Gubernatorial race. The well-spoken half-pint is going to be our next governor because of the runoff election.

And that’s it.

It’s not because the masses believe that he is the best man for the job (although plenty do, ne). Fitial will get a lot of votes, Juanpan will get a bunch of votes and Kumoi will get a lot of votes. The thing is that when Fitial and Hofschneider go head-to-head in Ed Propst’s dream match, the knee-high Napoleon will come out on top.

Does he have a better direction for the CNMI? Maybe and maybe not, but he isn’t promising a shoe factory or a peanut factory either. Sorry Benigno-no, but you’re going to lose this time around. No offense, but it still won't make all that much difference to the Commonwealth as a whole.

Fitial's ouster and 11,000 Saipanda backpacks won't amount to a hill of beans for the CNMI's dwindling tourism numbers, but it might be a start. So now I'm wondering what candidate is going to bring back the hot Japanese tourists who have left for cleaner pastures.

Maybe that will be the basis for my platform...

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Debatable Performance

Anyone out there in the blog world happen to drop by the Saipan Chamber of Commerce's Gubernatorial Debate last night? The Yapper did, and I saw three guys and a smoked out piece of tar answering questions, tap dancing, and pointing fingers at one another.

Juanpan's answer on Article XII was precious. He could be the next bread making celebrity on Dancing with the Stars. "I don't think that Article XII is an issue for the Governor. I think it should be decided by the people. The Governor should not make Constitutional decisions."

In the words of Team America's Carson, "Jesus Titty Fucking Christ!"

Nice try oh tapper of dance. The only thing weaker than your Article XII answers was your solutionless five-minute closing. I often enjoy a tall glass of milk with my goodies from Herman's Modern Bakery, but after hearing your answers last night, the only question I could think of was, "Got Substance?"

Next please.

The crypt keeper sitting next to you wasn't all that much better. Actually, he was worse. There wasn't an answer given by Kumoi that didn't included the CUC. He seriously attributes every problem that faces the CNMI to the CUC running diesel instead of his super heavy fuel.

It's like playing Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon with that generators at CUC. If you asked him how his mother was doing today, Kumoi would tell you how much better she would be if the generators were running on heavy fuel.

Ask Kumoi what he had for lunch last week Tuesday and he'll tell you that he had a BLT from Bobby Cadillac's that was $0.25 more expensive than it should have been because the owners raised their prices to help pay for their CUC bill, which of course would've been far less had the CUC stuck to it's heavy fuel that the generators were designed for.

Now for the sitting Governor, Ben Fitial. In what was his most damning statement of the evening, Fitial acknowledged the rampant use of emergency declarations and admitted that he has done so because he lacked sufficient support in the legislature to right the ship at CUC, CHC, and the CPA.

Earth to Beloved Leader, did you just say that you circumvented our system of checks and balances because you weren't satisfied with the support level from the legislators or did I miss the part where you said that there was an actual emergency that demanded a legitimate declaration?

Confucius say, "Do not stick penis in own ass."

I think you just fucked yourself, Benigno.

Now for Captain Ketchup.

Heinz was definitely the belle at the ball last night. He was well spoken, delivered answers and provided solutions to the Commonwealth's ills. Am I 100% behind him? Not yet, but last night he continued his domination of Fitial that began during the CREAM debate.

Hofschneider could be a welcome change to 'Better Times" but I think he should win the election purely for comedic value. If he gets the most votes next month, people can walk up to Heniz and call him "Half-A-Governor" with a straight face and receive a smile from our cute little Yapese half-pint.

I just hope he keeps his little packets of ketchup to himself. Heinz seems to be winning the race so far, and the last thing he needs is another secretary scandal.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Another Gripe?

I swear to SPAM that the people who run CUC could care less about their customers. Not giving a shit about me as a customer is one thing, but do they have to be so damn smug about it? What the flying fuck is up with them running the aircons at full blast anyway? Is Tony Muna trying to help drive business to his wife's locally made sweater company? And what are they making those sweaters out of? I'll tell you what, it's people! Muna's sweaters are made of pee-puhl!!

Friday, October 23, 2009

Today's Gripe

Hafa Adai Junior Yappers!

Time for me to get the wheels churning again and nothing beats a Daily Gripe from the Daily Yapper. Today's gripe: Anonymous Bloggers.

There's nothing I hate more than an anonymous blogger. Man those cowardly little fuckers really piss me off. Every time their fingers molest innocent qwerty keyboards across the globe I feel a little bit worse. Yes they're writing but it's like having our environmental movement being pushed ahead by Patrick Calvo's green thumb. Ewwwww!

Not sure how he's going to enjoy being the belle at the ball sac, but I imagine he's not going to ask for seconds in the knees-first chow line. Picture an inmate in his jumpsuit playing the role of Maitre d' in their shared prison cell. "Calvo, party of one."

No tables or chairs required, sir. Same for utensils, save for this fleshy straw.

Speaking of sucking, did anyone hear Greg Cruz sucking off Kumoi "I Don't have a chance to win the election this November" Guerrero during the Saipan Chamber of Commerce debate? I thought I was watching Brokeback Mountain! Taotao TwoOfUs was deeper into Kumoi's ass than Tony Benavente is into Mayor Juan Tudela.

And while we're on the subject of assy mayors, I wonder who will win the nod for the biggest nothing job. I see a pile of people running for a job which traditionally serves the public as a water and gravel provider.


Oh wait, as Mayor of Saipan you are also required to show up to any and every local function, get drunk and claim credit for what was done. Yep, I see a lot of worthless candidates who are more than qualified for that one.

There might be one candidate who could possibly do something positive for Saipan that doesn't involve the construction of picnic tables, but I think he's too qualified. We're talking about someone who could land a real job that demands results.

...and I'm not speaking about Candi Taman. Jesus Kristo Rai, is that guy hilarious! He's the first person turned down for employment at McDonald's because he was unqualified to flip burgers.

Unqualified? Want to talk about unqualified? How about the Destructive Driver of Dan Dan who is still "qualified" to have a license despite the fact that she drove over a kid while speeding through the village? Ana Teregeyo is sporting a brace on her arm because she can no longer shoulder the guilt of being a child murderer.

Or not.

Runaway Ana might get a few votes from the Covenant Party this year, but anyone who thinks that our leaders should be examples of how to do things should never, ever, ever vote for this irresponsible lady.


Speaking of killer, Saipan experienced some killer waves when Typhoon Melor blew through and a lot of loony haoles took to the lagoon in search of surf. I think almost all of them made it back, but shouldn't DPS be more than a little upset with this?

Seriously, DPS has an inflatable boat and a few life jackets. Too bad none of our local cops can swim. So who fishes the surfer boys out of the water when the tide is high? The ghost of Jim Bell?(RIP Jim. Hope you found what you were looking for out in the big blue.)

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

So it's down to me?

Is it true that Pragmatic Plato has been exposed? In any event, he or she has stopped blogging. Plato isn't the only one. My idol and anonymous friend, Lil Hammerhead is also out of the blogging business.

I miss her.

So does that mean that I have to pick up the mantle for responsible blogging and start writing once again? What do you think?

I offer an open invitation to Plato and Hammerhead to join me. All you have to do is drop me an email at and we can get going right away!

I don't think I've ever been into the gossip column business so I will leave the alleged names out of this post. Their identity doesn't really matter to me other than I would enjoy getting together with them for some coffee, wine or beer.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Guess Who's Back?

Florencio Richards is back in the news, kids. Who is that? Please allow me to refresh your memory. Good ol' Florencio Richards is the brilliant Crime Scene Investigator whose DPS issued firearm was "stolen" back in December.

*interesting side note: Florencio's service firearm (Smith & Wesson 9mm semi-automatic) which was allegedly stolen when his government-assigned vehicle was burglarized in December was miraculously found when the dipshit discovered the handgun in his house a month later. And this is the guy who people were defending as a good cop? Stupid fuckers...

I called this sorry sack of shit out when it happened (and the Variety censored my comments, those bastards) for being a lousy cop and a worse human being. I know that he's been a piss poor professional everywhere he's been employed, but this time around, DPS caught this douche bag holding the, ahem, bag.

Read from the Marianas Variety below:

Cop arrested for theft, burglary
Tuesday, 28 July 2009
By Raquel Bagnol
Variety News Staff

A Crime Scene Investigators Unit officer and his companion were arrested for burglarizing a school in Tanapag and a residence in Capital Hill using a police vehicle early Sunday morning.

Superior Court Associate Judge David A. Wiseman set a $15,000 bail each for Police Officer Florencio Q. Richards and his co-defendant Vincent Daniel Q. Terlaje during a bail hearing yesterday. Wiseman ordered that 10 percent or $1,500 of the bail should be in cash and the remaining $13,500 in unsecured bond.

Assistant Attorney General George Hasselback represented the government. Assistant Public Defender Richard Miller was appointed to represent both defendants. Wiseman set the preliminary hearing for Aug. 3 and the arraignment on the 10th of the same month.

Detective Christopher Leon Guerrero stated in his affidavit that at 9:08 a.m. on July 19, the victim — Bruce M. MacMillan—a resident of Miller Estate Apartment in Capital Hill, reported a burglary and theft incident to the Department of Public Safety. Preliminary investigations showed that the victim left his apartment between 5:15 to 5:30 a.m. when the suspects burglarized his apartment.

The victim told police he lost a light black Toshiba satellite laptop computer worth $1,200, a citizen sky hawk watch worth $500, one booklet business check, and one booklet personal check both for Bank of Guam. The victim also lost his wallet containing an American Express Optima Platinum credit card and an American Express Gold Rewards credit card.

Police learned that the suspects attempted to withdraw money using one of the credit cards by swiping it off at Shell Puerto Rico at 6:22 a.m. that same day. The suspects also tried to swipe the cards at the First Hawaiian Bank and Kagman Mobil on July 20 and at the Bank of Hawaii Chalan Kanoa Branch 20 times.

Leon Guerrero learned there were personal checks belonging to the victim that were forged and cashed. The defendants wrote off four checks amounting to over $2,000 to two cooperating defendants using the stolen checkbooks.

On July 18, between 9 to 10 p.m., Leon Guerrero learned that one of the cooperating defendants was attending a birthday party in Fina Sisu when Richards and Terlaje arrived. The cooperating defendant said that he saw blue police lights inside the Nissan Pathfinder car brought by the two defendants.

He told police that Richards and Terlaje picked him up and they went to Ace Pool Bar in Garapan then proceeded to San Roque School at about 11 p.m. The cooperating defendant told police that Richards dropped them off at San Roque School and he was told to be the lookout man while Terlaje broke into the school’s classroom.

Terlaje was looking for laptops but when he couldn’t find any, they left and met Richards by the nearest poker. Police later learned that the doors of five classrooms were damaged when Terlaje poked them with screwdrivers and monkey wrench tools to gain entry.

Leon Guerrero learned that very early on July 19, they were heading toward Capital Hill with Terlaje asleep on the backseat. Terlaje awoke when Richards was loading a laptop bag, a silver watch and the checkbooks. They parked by Tanapag Beach site as the defendants were trying to figure out four digit numbers for the PIN of the credit cards, then they proceeded to an apartment across from San Vicente Head Start.

Terlaje got off the vehicle and surveyed the apartment but they left after seeing it was closed. The two then headed to As Lito. Police learned that same afternoon the defendants went to Payless and Tripple J Fresh Market where Terlaje cashed some checks.

A search warrant issued at Terlaje’s house by Associate Judge Kenneth L. Govendo led to the discovery of a 9mm handgun and the wallet belonging to MacMillan. MacMillan told the Variety in a telephone interview that only his watch and wallet were recovered, without the contents.

He commended the effort of Leon Guerrero in tracing the suspects. The police especially Leon Guerrero worked like crazy and put in long hours to catch the suspects,” MacMillan said.

In yesterday’s press briefing, DPS Commissioner Santiago F. Tudela said this is a sad incident for the police department. “It’s so bad that anyone who wears a badge breaks the public trust and I will not tolerate this,” Tudela said. He said it was bad enough to have a police officer who got involved in burglary, but to use a government-issued vehicle for the burglary was worse.

He said that Richards will be dealt with administratively which could mean suspension without pay until the case is resolved in court. “If the court finds him guilty, he will be terminated and see his way out of the DPS,” Tudela said. “I cannot control the activities of the police officers outside of their duty hours, but if they get involved in anything against the law one way or another, we will get them,” Tudela said.

DPS acting spokesman Jason T. Tarkong said Richards had also been involved in a burglary case at the San Roque Elementary School. Tarkong said Richards reported losing his service firearm—a Smith & Wesson 9mm semi-automatic handgun after his government-assigned vehicle was burglarized in December last year. Tarkong said they investigated the reported loss and just when they were about to wrap up their investigation about a month later, Richards reported finding his service firearm inside his house.

Or, if you prefer the Saipan Tribune...

They broke into apartments and broke into an elementary school? Dear Judge Wiseman, please hammer these fuckers!

Either way you put it, Florencio Richards is a complete ass and now he's going to pay the price in the pokey. He's a scumbag and now he's going from being a cop to being cooped up.

The funniest part about this case is how these two fucking idiots made it easy for the good cops to track them down. What do I mean? They went to stores with cameras to use stolen credit cards. Fucking morons!

Also, they issued stolen check...TO THEMSELVES!!! What the fuck? Hey, these aren't the only morons to do this. You'd think that these assholes would figure out that crime doesn't pay, but you'd also think that these dumb shits would be smart enough not to leave a trail of bread crumbs for DPS.

Anyone want to defend Florencio now?

Monday, June 29, 2009

Just Awesome

That's how I describe Renee Simao's Letter to the Editor in the Saipan Tribune. Such sarcasm! Please Renee, come and write for Saipan Fake News!!!

I'm not sure what classes Renee teaches in Tinian, but I have an idea that she'd have a packed house were she to offer Sarcasm 101 at Tinian High School in the fall.

Bravo, Renee!

If you haven't followed the link to read it yet, I took the liberty of copying and pasting the letter to my blog.

Apology to five Tinian parents

After learning of the situation at Tinian High School it appears I owe five of the parents whose children’s diplomas were in jeopardy an apology. I had your students in my class as well. When they failed in November due to not handing in assignments and not passing tests I expected you to come for a conference to discuss how we could help them meet the requirements of my class.

When you did not do so, I criticized you publicly for parental apathy. And when I scheduled student support meetings with Ms. Hofschneider and you did not attend I criticized you again.

And finally in January when they failed my class, again I criticized you. You see, I thought that Tinian parents supported Ms. Hofschneider’s goal to make Tinian High School one of high academic standards that were strictly enforced so our graduates could migrate to the mainland and compete on a level playing field with the graduates of the blue ribbon schools that feed Harvard, Yale, Columbia, West Point, Duke, Annapolis, the Coast Guard Academy, the Air Force Academy, Stanford, USC and other universities of high repute rather than having to go to community colleges.

It now appears that what Tinian parents desire is for their children to receive a diploma for a four-year attendance only. The children did meet that requirement. So I apologize for my criticisms.

Renee Simao

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

New Blog!!

Greetings Junior Yappers,

I've got lots to yap about these days after finding a new source of energy. I won't bore you with the losses of my personal life or explain away my lack of posting, but I will happily relay the news of my newest yapsterpiece.

I will continue posting (oor should I say resume) here with plenty of political commentary but I've decided to branch out a bit through the creation of the Saipan Fake News.

The Daily Yapper will be the source of criticism and acclaim for our local folks in the public eye but Saipan Fake News is focused on making light of life in the funny papers. The news department at Yap Co. is always looking for writers, so send your submissions or ideas to

Have a Yapperific Day,

The Yapper

Friday, April 17, 2009

Into Every Life, A Little (Golden) Rain Must Fall

This is a great time of year for the Marianas. We've got blue skies, green trees and golden showers. The last one might not tickle your fancy, but one Saipan native thought he'd share the Hafa Adai spirit with a woman while traveling from California to Hawaii.

Somehow I don't think she enjoyed being showered with local style affection. Read below:

Man urinated on woman during flight

HONOLULU, April 16 (UPI) -- A federal judge in Hawaii sentenced a man who pleaded guilty to urinating on a fellow airline passenger to 21 days imprisonment.

Jerome Kenneth Kingzio, 28, of Saipan, Northern Marina Islands, pleaded guilty to assault after urinating on a 66-year-old woman during a March 21 flight from Los Angeles to Honolulu, the Honolulu Advertiser reported Thursday.

U.S. Attorney Ed Kubo said the victim had been watching the in-flight movie when Kingzio stood next to her and began urinating.

I guess everyone isn't into getting pissed on a few miles up in the air. What are the odds? For those of you who don't mind a little yellow squirt coming your way, check this out!

Congratulations to Jerome Kenneth Kingzio for making the Yapper's newly revived Sick List. He's in good (or bad) company, and you can check it out for yourself by scrolling down the left side of the page.

Jerome Kenneth Kingzio, you're going to be remembered forever!

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Who's the Juan who ruined the retirement Fund?

Juan Nekai Babuta the reason why the NMI Retirement Fund won't be around in two years. He is also the reason why the NMI purchased La Fiesta and spent $250,000 to enter a float in the 2005 Parade of Roses in Pasadena, California.

Juan "Bang 'Em All Babauta" screwed the CUC and the citizens of the Commonwealth through his failure to allot a dime of his excessively wasteful spending on the deteriorating power plants.

Does the phrase, "Pretty darn good" ring a bell?

Now, the worst governor in the history of the Northern Mariana Islands and fairly good runner, Juan Nekai Babauta is gearing up for the Republican Primary here on Saipan.

The first word that came to mind: Why?

The second word that came to mind: No!

The third, fourth and fifth words: Oh, haaaaaay-ell no!

If he actually wins the election, I surmise the sixth word will be: Vomit






Anal Rape

Okay, that's two words but I haven't heard anything about the Patrick Calvo case in a while and I got to thinking about what happened to the guy whose green thumb got caught in the underage cookie jar.

Back to my planet:

I set the dial in the Way Back Machine to September 29th, 2008 so I could pick up a copy of the Marianas Variety because there was a very telling Letter to the Editor that Monday that was written by our local Nostradamus.

In his recent rant to Senor Dandan, Philip Leyland of Navy Hill wrote about a school principal he referred to as "Mr. 77" because his first and last name started with the seventh letter of the alphabet.

Leyland was up in arms about Mr. 77's soapbox soliloquy that bad-mouthed the Fitial administration's lack of anything good when it came to the CUC crisis (remember how bad it was way back then?).

While Leyland shared Mr. 77's gripes, he didn't share his appreciation for the dreadful mistake known to many as the 2001-2005 Babauta-Benavente administration (those guys sucked big hairy hilitai balls).

The seventh letter of the alphabet is G, and GG has to stand for Galvin Guerrero, for all of you just tuning in. I'm not saying he's gay, but the Chamorro Anton Chekov is into plays, musicals, has a plump wife and spends way too much time manicuring his beard.

It's rumored that he also has a Backstreet Boys CD somewhere in his car. Could it be in the back seat? Next to the back door? If he were to lift the handle and trigger the release of the locking mechanism, thus allowing for the door to swing open on its hinges, could you say that he was party to some backdoor action?

That's not my business. What happens in or behind back doors isn't what should make or break a candidate. Speaking of candidates who may often enjoy the oral pleasure of one another, let me get back to my point.

In his Letter to the Editor, Leyland labeled Mr. 77 as a strong Babauta-Benavente supporter and took it a step further by calling him a Babauta-Benavente disciple. But Leyland's coup de grĂ¢ce was delivered via his accusation of Mr. 77 being the inspiration behind the Rose Parade float fiasco.

I wasn't expecting that one.

Here's one of my favorite parts from Leyland's letter:

Just like the Fitial administration, the Babauta-Benavente administration had the opportunity to finally do the right thing with CUC, but did not. The Babauta administration ignored the dire need for the power plant engines to be overhauled thus setting the stage for CUC’s eventual demise. And of course, the Fitial administration’s band aid solutions sped up the engines death sentence.

Hmmm, I wonder if the idiotic, biggest waste of $200,000 on the Rose Bowl parade float that was the bright idea of the Babauta-Benavente administration the reason for neglecting the engine overhaul plans? Makes me wonder.

Was there a certain Babauta-Benavente cabinet member in charge of the Rose Bowl parade idea? Could it be that Mr. 77 was the Rose Bowl brain child? So what am I really getting at? Well you see, Mr. 77 unfortunately is targeted here because I find his actions at the rally against CUC quite hypocritical.

I like you, Phil. The Yapper likes you...and accepts Food Stamp.

Leystradamus then asked Mr. 77 why he would support either Babauta or Benavente in the 2009 election. I think he received his answer with this sorry YouTube video:

They're calling their ticket "The balance of energy of youth with wisdom of experience." I wonder what kind of experience they're talking about? Flowers? Wasteful spending? Ignoring CUC? Shapely beards?

After my previous post, I don't think I can talk about beards.

*Editor's Note from the angel on my left shoulder who tells me to do the right thing: Galvin is the only good thing about this ticket. Juan Babauta is worse than shaking hands with a Golgotha, but Galvin is a good family man who doesn't deserve the nasty things I wrote about him.

*Editor's Note from the demon on my right shoulder who tells me to do the wrong thing: Fuck that angel bitch and learn to take a fucking joke, you shitfaced cockmaster!

Rumpelstilskin Anyone?

It's time to wipe the sand from my eyes and get back into the world of hate blogging from Las Islas Pacifico. I woke up with a long gray beard, a trail of drool running down my cheek and a pound of sand in my eyes so let me take a much needed shower and we're off and running once again.
mustbethehumidity, lil hammerhead, greg cruz, saipan's best blog
I'm not sure if I'll shave off my newfound beard just yet because I think the woman folk will take a shine to my new look. I've already received rave reviews from the gay community. They say I look like a young Stanley Torres.
last remaining smart blog on saipan, saipan tribune, marianas variety
Looks like I won't have any worries finding a date to Carnival this year but I wonder if that means I should run for office this year under the Ole Coot Party. More to come soon!