Friday, June 27, 2008

This Little Piggy Went To Market...

I heard that Porky's closed. Could this be in the wake of the supposed boycott or is this another sign of the times? Perhaps it's just another business drowning in debt on a cloudy day that is about to rain an additional $.50/hour upon all minimum wage earning employees.

Any thoughts or squeals?

Hang Handgun Harry!

I couldn't believe my ears this morning! As per my usual morning routine, I rose from the Yap Chamber to the sounds of Island Issues with Harry Blalock and Lewie Tenorio. As always, Friday is a special day for a special guy as "Uncle" Dave Sablan took to the airwaves with his usual "unique" style.

The show opened with them talking to ancient swimmer, Jim Bell, the 70-year-old swimmer who stroked his way from Tinian unescorted until he reached Saipan some four and a half hours later. Bell said that he plans to swim a lap around Saipan during the month of July, albeit by taking small bites out of the nearly 80-mile journey a day at a time.

That took the Yapper into the mid-show break thinking that there would be more from the Old Man of the Sea, but I was shocked to hear host Harry exalt the virtues of handgun ownership as well as the CNMI's need to change it's laws to mirror the United States of America.


According to the story on, the U.S. Supreme Court ruled Thursday that a sweeping ban on handguns in the nation's capital violated the Second Amendment right to bear arms.


Pretty much everyone in the U.S. of A. is allowed to own a handgun unless they're a convicted fellon. This all because the justices "struck down the ban in a 5-4 decision, with Justice Antonin Scalia writing the opinion for the majority."

While the Mayor of Washington D.C. and Chicago have come out in opposition immediately, our local talk show host came out quite the opposite. Scary Harry said that the CNMI should immediately change its laws to reflect the new decision from the Supreme Court because the U.S. rule of law supersedes those of the CNMI.

On top of that, Harry said that the CNMI would be a safer place were handguns permitted., explaining further that, "Maybe criminals would have to think twice about whether or not to rob somebody because they might shoot them."

Good point. It's also a good idea to have everyone have a mini-nuke in every Taiwanese refrigerator just in case the Chinese think about attacking us. Maybe then they'd think twice about moving in.

WTF? Are you fucking kidding me, Harry? Obviously you're smoking some kind of bad crack. Don't you think that our local bad guys would employ the use of firearms in the commission of their crimes? And no, I'm not talking about Stanley. I think he's packing heat under his beard anyway.

Seriously Harry, don't you see a Saipan becoming a more dangerous place with firearms? I'm not talking about a .22 rifle or a shotgun (currently legal in the CNMI). Look at the way sentences are handed down to people today. Tell me what 30 days in jail, all suspended except for three days served, will do to ensure the public safety when the first guy who robs one of Luis Crisostimo's a poker parlors?

Think about what will happen in Japan and Korea when the the first stick-up happens in Marpi or on the beach pathway? Think beaches will be enough to lure tourists then? You're fucking high.

Why not use the World's Smallest Handgun (seen above) to blow away your World's Smallest Brain? That would be a good start at making the CNMI a safer place to live. The next step will be putting Dave Sablan out to pasture.

Monday, June 9, 2008

What Do You Think?

Should Saipan cut its ties with Tinian and Rota and let them fend for themselves? I really don't know what the islands offer each other as a Commonwealth at all. Maybe cutting the fat will do each island well.

-Saipan has most of the financial value but that doesn't make it the best. It can stand alone for sure.

-Tinian is the pot capital of the CNMI and is a military training base waiting to happen (again). I wonder how much the price of grass will jump locally once the military takes over 2/3 of Tinian.

-Rota is nothing but an inedible wedding cake. It beauty is unrivaled among the three , but what else is there of value?

Sure all three are beautiful, but only one island is able to pay for itself. We can get rid of the municipal councils, the mayors, half of congress, and start running things cost effectively.

The mayors of Rota and Tinian regard themselves as kings anyway so why not let them rule the roost for good?

So what do you think?

Way Ahead Of You, Guys!

It's always a pleasure to wake up to a hot cup of coffee and the morning paper (well, the on
line version anyway). Nothing kicks off the day quite like reading through the world's headlines and reconnecting with the rest of humanity.

My favorite headline this morning was this from the USA Today and CNN:

Gas hits national average of $4 for first time

Whoa, way ahead of you boys! And the feds think that they're setting the standard, sheesh!

We've been well over the $4 mark for months and we'll probably hit $5 by the end of the year. It's a sad thing that a gallon of gas is worth more than an hour of work for most people in the CNMI.

What a slap that must be to the gas station employees who have to buy their company product to get to the station in the first place. Sad, sad, sad.

Thursday, June 5, 2008

Cheap Shot of the Week

"Um, Mrs. Clinton, may we have your 2nd place pose, please?" Isn't this the pose that won her second place in the White House bedroom? Well it might have worked against her once again. If Hilary would have only opened her mouth in this position years ago, we never would have heard of Monica.

For Christ's Sake, Already

There's nothing wrong with having sex in strange places (like the back seat of a Volkswagon), in fact the changing of locations often heightens the experience. Whether you're indoors, outdoors, in the bedroom or on the hood of a car, sex is fun.

While some people get their rocks off by having a quickie at the park or on the beach, a couple in Italy were caught in the act pulling a Monica in the confessional. That takes some serious matzah balls.

Here's the story from
-- A man and a woman have been charged by police in Italy after they were found having sex in a confession box, it was reported Wednesday.

The Italian ANSA news agency said the young man and woman were taken into custody by police in the northern city of Cesena following a telephone complaint from a man attending morning Mass in the city's cathedral.

Authorities were alerted after a parishoner heard "rustling and groaning" coming from inside the confession box and pulled back the curtains to reveal a goth-rock couple engaged in oral sex, ANSA said.

The agency said the pair -- a 31-year-old laborer and a 32-year-old teacher -- defended their conduct saying: "We are atheists and for us, having sex in church is like doing it any other place."

However, Bishop Antonio Lanfranchi of Cesena-Sarsina took said the couple's behavior was "an outrage of notable proportions which bespeaks unutterable squalor."

He added that a special ceremony would be held to purify the confession box.

My guess is that the "special ceremony" involves the Holy Mop of Antioch and that they're going to import the Holy Water from our Santa Lourdes shrine here on Saipan. A bigger question lost in this story is why a couple in their 30's is still into goth-rock? Isn't that just for pimply faced teenagers trying to look cool in an alternative fashion?

Perhaps the biggest question: If you were offered some hot oral in a church, would you turn it down?

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

Fitial Accomplishes Something Positive

Call him Ben Tan, call him a bum, call him what you will. But don't say that CNMI Governor Benigno Fitial didn't accomplish anything positive during his four-year term as Head of State.


Read this morning's Saipan Tribune to find out how the entire CPA board of directors resigned en masse. According to Agnes Donato's story, the board members who have resigned are Antonio Camacho, Connie Igisomar, Joe Lifoifoi, Alejo Mendiola, and Ray Cing.

Oh but that's not the best part. Included in the list of "resignees" was part-time dirtbag and full-time scoundrel Rex I. Palacios. Yes, you know sexy Rexy. He's the same guy who screwed the pooch on the Pacific Gardenia and 2006 Micronesian Games.

What else? How about the Saipan International Airport? Wonder why the generators weren't fixed at the only airport in the CNMI accepting major international flights? Ask around and you'll hear the same thing from all of your sources.

Think of Rex as kind of the opposite of King Midas. Where everything Midas touched turned to gold, everything Rex touches turns to shit. Don't let him become a member of Beautify CNMI! because that ship is sailing just fine.

So, while I never thought I'd say it, thank you Governor Fitial

The only problem with Rex is that he always seems to land another job I don't know why? The guy is a dick who knows how to turn on the charm when necessary He's a boozer and a schmoozer Rex always fucks things up, so why does he always get another chance to do so? And why is it usually at a higher position than his previous fuck up?

It's like you chop one Rex head off and two more appear

Well, on reason is that he's got some friends in high places I don't know if bailing on the Governor now will ensure that solid friendship he was going for these past few years

Bonus: How many faces of Rex are there on this post?

Monday, June 2, 2008

Fair Is Fair

Since some of the CNMI's crappy politicians are required to resign their post in order to run for another public office, shouldn't crappy TV show hosts be required to do the same? I only ask because John Oliver Gonzales officially tossed his mwarmwar into the ring for this November's CNMI delegate race.

Read this morning's Saipan Tribune or just look below:
And The There Were Seven
Television talk show host John Oliver Gonzales is the latest candidate to enter the delegate race, bringing to seven the number of those who have confirmed plans to run for the post.
Gonzales announced on Saturday his bid to become the Northern Marianas' first delegate to the U.S. House of Representatives. He is running as an independent candidate. Currently serving as the director of the Department of Public Lands' mining division, Gonzales has worked for the government in various capacities since 1993. He has also hosted the John Gonzales LIVE talk show program on Flametree KSPN 2, formerly MCV, for the past 15 years.In an interview, Gonzales said the delegate job is much like hosting a talk show.
“As a delegate, your principal obligation is to bring issues to the people, allow them to voice their concerns, and take those concerns to our leaders in Washington, D.C. If I'm elected, I will be a medium, a facilitator between the U.S. Congress and our people,” he said.
Gonzales said his priority is to ensure the CNMI gets the maximum possible economic and capital infrastructure benefits from the anticipated military buildup in the region. He also plans to lobby for immediate bailout money for the local utility, tourism, and workforce training.
Go$nzales said his strengths lie in his “humble beginnings, untainted reputation, and lack of connection to any special interest.” He trumpeted his strong academic background-he holds a master's degree in international management from University of Phoenix and graduated summa cum laude with a political science degree from Washington State University. He also had experience working in Washington, D.C. as an intern with the U.S. Department of the Interior in 1992.
He said his supporters include former Lt. Gov. Jesus R. Sablan, former Northern Marianas College president Agnes M. McPhetres, and attorney Robert T. Torres, who was previously rumored to be running for delegate.
Others who have expressed their intent to run for the post are Resident Rep. Pete A. Tenorio, Sen. Luis P. Crisostimo, Rep. Ray N. Yumul, retired Judge Juan T. Lizama, Commonwealth Election Commission executive director Gregorio Sablan, and attorney Victorino Torres.
The election is on Nov. 4, 2008. The official period for submitting candidacy papers is from July 7 to August 6, 2008. Television talk show host John Oliver Gonzales is the latest candidate to enter the delegate race, bringing to seven the number of those who have confirmed plans to run for the post.Gonzales announced on Saturday his bid to become the Northern Marianas' first delegate to the U.S. House of Representatives. He is running as an independent candidate.
I like John, but this kid doesn't have what it takes to be our first delegate to the U.S. Congress. It was just a little while ago when he cried about being shot down for a job at NMC. Now he's ready to represent the CNMI on the mainland? I don't think so.
What do you think?
Maybe John should consider changing his name to avoid being linked with an international scandal. What am I talking about? Follow this link about John Gonzales and you'll read all of the details.