Monday, November 3, 2008

On Tomorrow's Vote...

My blogging mentor and moral compass, Lil Hammerhead, recently expressed her desire for the CNMI's voters to come out with pride for tomorrow's election that will name out delegate to the U.S. Congress.

I want everyone to come out and cast their ballot, too! But I want to first offer a few words to the voting public.

If you're planning on voting for Chong Man Won, stay home. Really, it's not worth leaving your house and wasting your gas and vote on a guy who won't win the election anyway. This guy has a few numbers to rattle off if you ask him about his plans, but it's the same old stuff you hear at all of his rallies. I don't doubt that his heart is in it, I just don't think that he has what it takes to go from an errand boy to CEO overnight.

If you're planning on voting for Juan Lizama, you might as well go to J's Restaurant on Middle Road and enjoy the smoke-filled air. The smoke should mix well with your clouded judgment and maybe you won't bother getting out of your chair and save us all a little headache from what this pompous ass would do to our reputation. I like his professional background, I just don't like his personal background. He's a jerk, and I'm only being kind here because g00$e said that I've matured as a writer.

If you're planning on voting for this guy, then please vote for me to be the special assistant to the Secretary of the Department of Community and Cultural Affairs because we'll need to give him a steady diet of what it is to be local. All SPAM aside, I don't think we need him representing us because he might actually do a good job and make the people in congress think that we've got our shit together over here. Nope, we need someone else who is fucked up to win the seat.

If you're happy with the way things have gone for us in the past then this is the guy you need to vote for. Sure we pay a little more every time he flies because the airlines won't let people his height fly by themselves, but he seems to know his way around the killer D.C. loop! I hope that whomever wins this election knows what they're doing. While I'm not with Pete A. on plenty of things, at least he won't need to find his way around the beltway. He might be the right guy to get us up and running but he's not the long term guy for us.

If you're voting for Senator Crisostimo, I really am not worried about you making it to the polls anyway. Sure, he most likely paid you off by giving you money for your CUC, but my guess is that you never paid CUC because you blew all of the cash in one of his poker parlors. If by some chance they can pry your ass out of the seat before the polls close and bring you to the ballot box, please choose someone other than the silver-tongued menace. He's not going to help you and you already know that. He's the kind of guy who will invite you over for a beer but won't let you inside of his house because you're not important enough.

If you're planning on voting for Felipe Atalig you really need to be checked out. Seriously, the only thing on this guy's campaign platform is himself with a microphone. Nearby is a television screen giving him all the words to the song. He actually had a chance at winning until he opened his mouth. I didn't realize you could sound that dumb, but you actually can.

If you're planning on voting for Juan Gonzales, I understand. You're wrong, but I understand. You must have missed the debate. I actually wanted the bright-eyed youngster to get a taste of dealing with the Americans...until I heard him at the debate. That's when I switched from calling him "Bolis" to "Ballless." Every time I heard him reply to John Anderson's question with one of his own I wanted to slap the mwarmwar off of his head. Oops, but he wasn't even wearing it that night. Sorry John, but "The question is..." who the fuck coached you before that debate?

If you're planning on voting for David Cing you need to lock yourself in one of Marpi's bomb shelters and not come out for a very long time. Why? Because a vote for David Cing is like verifying to congress that we are a bunch of idiots. I've heard him speak at a rally on Tinian and Cing couldn't articulate his leg into his pants without the help of a highly trained team of assistants. He's about as valuable as the lint in my navel. Seriously Democratic Party, you should be ashamed of yourself.

If you're planning on voting for Kilili, I feel you dawg, I feel you. I just think you're making a mistake if you're voting for him on purpose. Greg is a nice guy and has said a number of nice things during his campaign. While he did an admirable job running the CNMI's elections, I just don't want him to win this one because he's not the guy for the job. That said, if I tripped on my way to the voting booth and accidentally cast my ballot for him I'd feel fine about it.

While we're on the topic of voting, I was honored by The Saipan Blogger when he added me to a poll of anonymous local bloggers. I really don't care if I win because I'm years behind Lil Hammerhead and the founders of the Anonymous Blogger Foundation, Saipan Middle Road.

They're truly deserving of the title and I expect to place in third out of the three. Given the crowd of others who weren't even considered in the poll, it's cool that I'm part of the three.