Monday, November 3, 2008

April Fools in November?

I know that Chamorro Standard Time completely ignores the rest of the world and it's foolish concept of Daylight Savings Time (that's so Mavericky"), but I didn't realize that the CNMI could randomly place dates throughout the calendar.
saipn, cnmi, tinian, rota, we love saipan
When I woke up this morning to listen to a skinny bald guy on the radio replace the husky bald guy who is usually on the radio, I powered up Y.A.P. 3000 to get a good look at the online edition of our daily news.
benigno fitial, saipan, chamorro, chamorru
The date on the front page was clearly Monday, November 3rd, but the Marianas Variety staff clearly played an April Fool's Day trick on the commonwealth when it reported that Governor Benigno Fitial has received re-election support from people whose names do not include the names Benigno and/or Fitial.
marianas variety, saipan tribune, kspn 2
Read below:

GOVERNOR Benigno R. Fitial on Friday said some members of the Republican and Democratic parties are pledging their support for his re-election bid. Fitial said these Democrats and Republicans told him that they “regretted” not supporting him in the last elections.

According to the governor, some of these individuals were identified with former Republican Gov. Juan N. Babauta. Two top leaders of Democratic Party have also expressed their intention to be his running mate next year, Fitial said.

Some people from both parties, he added, have probably realized that he is working hard to improve the CNMI’s very critical economic conditions. “I’ve been working very hard ever since I became governor,” he said. “I work everyday. I have a lot of things on the table and I’m focused on trying to manage the government despite its very limited resources,” Fitial said.

There are other disgruntled Republicans and Democrats who are approaching the ruling Covenant Party, he said. “They want to align with me and my party,” he added.

The governor said his campaign committee was organized as early as four months ago and has been conducting regular meetings since then. The selection of a new running mate for Fitial is one of the primary tasks of the committee. Lt. Gov. Timothy P. Villagomez has returned to the Republican Party and will not run with Fitial next year.


That last line was the best. It was written as if it would hurt Fitial but I actually think that's the only thing that our current governor has going for him. Whenever anyone accuses him of doing a bad job, he can always say, "Well, at least Tim won't be running with me next time!"
saipan daily yapper, the yapper, yap, yappese, carolinians
I couldn't stop laughing when I read this story because it had to be a joke. Just to make sure, I called the Marianas Variety this morning to applaud them on their use of humor and satire. This was the funniest thing that the Variety put out since their joke about the "Green Pages" and "Yellow Journalism."
guam, northern marianas islands, oceania
Bravo, Marianas Variety.

UPDATE:

Some very concerned Junior Yappers have informed me that their research revealed that this story was indeed real and not the joke I perceived it to be. In light of this new information, I was compelled to write a little more on the subject of Benigno Fitial's re-election campaign.

First some advice to the good governor:

DON'T DO IT!

What, are you fucking crazy? Jesus H. Christ, you're a fucking moron if you think that you actually have a chance at sitting in the same chair following the next election. People came to you for a change, but not the kind of change that you brought about.

FUCKING FORGET IT, OLD MAN!

Governor Fitial won't get enough votes to win even if he were to stations Ray Mafnas, the washed-up thug, at every polling place with his sleeves rolled up while wearing a tight fitting shirt that exposed his once tough chest that has since deteriorated into a set of sagging man-titties.

YOU'RE NOT SURROUNDED BY SUPPORTERS!

That group of people around you shouting is not your clan of fans, it's a lynch mob. You seriously need to wheel your feeble ass outta there as soon as possible and turn off their power for such insolence.

GET THEIR NAMES!

If you really think that you're going to have all of those supporters by your side in 2009, I suggest that you write them down and publicize them. They would likely come out and support in public if they really exist and then maybe people would actually believe you.

WE'RE NOT THAT STUPID!

Sorry BF (stands for Benigno Fitial, but could also stand for butt fucker [not that there's anything wrong with that] or buddy fucker), but if you really had the kind of support you're talking about it wouldn't be you who was talking about it.

As far as I see it, your re-election campaign is like an ARMY of one. A broken down lying ARMY of one.

You might have had a chance at the Washington Delegate position because there's nine worthless candidates and your addition to the ballot would have given anyone with a dozen friends a legitimate shot of making us all look like an island community of dumb asses.

My thoughts on the candidates next.