Friday, May 30, 2008

Who Do I Like For Delegate?

That's the $10,000,000 question. I was asked that by a reader (doesn't it sound so cool that I have readers?) and he (or she) followed with a list of candidates for this November's election. I gave each of my answers a lot of thought and I eventually came up with the CNMI's best possible delegate to Congress.

Here's what transpired (and here's the link):
Anonymous BOARD OF ERECTIONS said...
Take your pick of Delegates

May 30, 2008 4:22 PM

Blogger The Daily Yapper said...

Kilili doesn't have what it takes but he's a
good guy that would do well for the people
of the CNMI here.

As for Yumul, I need to learn more about
him. Other than being the target of a
Jollibee boycott he's been relatively quiet.

I wouldn't bet on Crisostimo caring for the
CNMI any further than his wallet will take
him. He says the right things but he's dirty.

Juan Gonzalez says the right things and
isn't a bad kid, but he would be handed his
lunch in D.C. He's not the type to run with
those big dogs because he doesn't have
enough self-confidence.

Vic Torres? He's a creep who drinks and
plays too much poker.Nope, leave him to
do his bidding here at home. He just wreaks
of immorality and he would do just about
anything to impress the D.C. types in order
to feel accepted.

Pete A. has been in D.C. for a while and all
I see is a cowboy hat and pictures of visitors.
He's got a good press secretary, I'll give him
that. I think he's been away from the CNMI
too long to know what people here are really
going through.

Johnny B? Nice guy and he was effective in
D.C. before. The only reason why I wouldn't
give him another shot on the mainland is
because he fucked up here so badly as
governor. He's the one who got the ball
rolling on our bad economy.

With Lynn Knight we'd save a bundle on
airfare because she could make her frequent
trips to D.C. and back on her broom. Nope,
she's been scoping out another job for a long
time now and wouldn't be the right person
for the job. Sure she's got polish and nobody
could push her around, but she doesn't have
the best interest of the CNMI at heart. If we
could sew her balls on Robert Torres we
could have a winner.

And finally, Taotao Tan's Eloy Inos. I think
he's got a good position by being as good a
cleaner as a fall guy. He's a smart guy but
make no mistake about it, he's a dark
character. Keep him in office here until Fitial
loses the next election, then bring him back
into the Tan clan.

After giving it some serious thought about
what I would like in a CNMI delegate, here's
what I came up with...

Nothing would make me happier than seeing
a solid support staff built around a guy like
Andrew Salas.

He has a few things to learn, but he can tell
the difference between a phony and the
genuine article.

He's not the perfect candidate, but he would
be the best. He'd have the interest of the
CNMI at heart and he wouldn't stand for

I'd vote for him and wake up without regret
the next day.

So that's where I decided to back Andrew Salas, should he in fact run for CNMI delegate. I like Mike Sablan too, but he seems to want other things these days. Overall I'd want someone to run who would answer the call of his people rather than someone who simply wants to have the job.

This Is Hilarious

What do Greg Cruz, Pamela Mathis and chairs have in common?

Let's give you a little background about today's post. A few days ago, Lt. Governor Tim Villagomez granted radical indigenous rights and xenophobic group, Taotao Tano, the use of a small government building to serve as loco local central.

When Governor Benigno Fitial caught wind of this he had his press secretary, Charles Reyes, tell the media that it was a mistake to allow TTT use of the building and that TTT would need to follow the formal application process to make use of the little place.

That didn't sit well with TTT head Greg Cruz, whose group had been cleaning and repairing the office which also served as the home of former Commonwealth Utilities Corporation PIO, Pamela Mathis.

By the way, TTT has been going after the CUC for fraud and waste for some time now, and Cruz has not been a fan of Mathis. While he went after her for getting her dog blessed at a local Catholic ceremony, it was nothing like the way he's gone after Reyes.

Okay, with all of that in mind, read this:

Taotao Tano accuses AGO of trespass

SAYING that their rights were violated, Taotao Tano headed by Greg Cruz Jr. yesterday filed a complaint with Department of Public Safety against the Attorney General Office for “criminal trespass.”

Cruz, in an interview with Variety, said the filing of complaint stemmed from the AGO’s allegations about chairs missing from a government housing unit that Taotao Tano is now using as its office.

The AGO stored evidence in court cases at the same unit.

Also included in the complaint was the Attorney General’s Investigation Unit which received the copy of the contract allowing Taotao Tano to use the housing unit and the video footage taken by Taotao Tano when it first entered the unit.

“Your office trespassed our new office by entering the premises without our permission,” Cruz said in his e-mail to Attorney General Matthew Gregory.

“Your office is charged with investigating and prosecuting government abuses, corruption and white collar crimes but yet your office can’t even properly secure evidence such as chairs confiscated, stored and in your care. This now raises the question whether your investigators are fully trained or certified to handle evidence,” Cruz said.

He said the AGO trespassed when it “broke” into Taotao Tano’s office.

Press Secretary Charles P. Reyes Jr. said allowing Taotao Tano to use government property was a “mistake” that has to be corrected.

A government building should be used for government purposes only, he added.

A private entity like the Taotao Tano will have to apply for a lease contract with the Department of Public Lands before it can use the government housing unity, Reyes said.

But, Cruz said they have not received any advisory from the Office of the Personnel Management which gave them the authorization to use Capital Hill House no. 1348, which is near the office of Washington Rep. Pedro A. Tenorio.

Cruz said his group will continue with the renovation and the cleanup of the unit, which used to be the residence of former Commonwealth Utilities Corp. Pamela Mathis.

I would love to be the on-the-spot television reporter who covered this story. I'd addd a little humor to it by closing the piece with something like this:

When referring to the AGO taking Taotao Tao's chairs, TTT President Greg Cruz said that he wouldn't stand for this kind of treatment! In the meantime, without the chairs I think he'll have to. Reporting live from Capital Hill, this is The Daily Yapper for KSPN2.

Be sure to tune in next week for another episode of As The CNMI Turns

Here's To Tilting At Windmills

There's nothing wrong with the Saipanda, but the CNMI might have to make room for a new mascot as the islands of Saipan, Tinian and Rota have their own version of Don Quixote in former judge, Juan Lizama.

Though many Election Day wars are waged with pork swords, our "knight" appears to have leveled his lance at the CNMI delegate position with the misguided belief that he "has a good chance" at slaying the beast come November, according to a story in this morning's Saipan Tribune.

Wait, I'm not joking. Follow the link or read here:

Lizama: I have a good chance at delegate post

By Ferdie Dela Torre

Former Superior Court Associate Judge Juan T. Lizama has expressed confidence he will be voted as the CNMI's first delegate to the U.S. House of Representatives.“I think I do have a good chance,” said Lizama in an interview with Saipan Tribune.

He said that starting on the day when he officially declares his candidacy, he will be out there just like everybody else.“But my campaign, I want to be very positive with my campaign,” said Lizama, adding that he will run as an independent.

The Nov. 4, 2008 election, he said, is obviously one of the most important elections because of the delegate position.“My purpose is a good purpose. And I hope that they will agree with me that their votes will go my way,” said Lizama who stepped down from the bench last Saturday after 10 years of serving as an associate judge.

On talks that he is not qualified to run as the law requires candidates to retire or resign from government position six months prior to the election, Lizama said he has read the law and analyzed it.

“I am comfortable with my thought and my position right now that I would be running,” he stressed. In 2003, Lizama became the first judge in the CNMI to be retained to the post.

Aren't judges required to submit urine samples for drug screening? Well he's retired, but how about testing all candidates for the CNMI delegate position? I'm open to admit my mistakes and I believe it's possible that Lizama was not on drugs when he expressed his opinion to Ferdie Dela Torre.
Time for a tangent: Don't you think that Ferdie Dela Torre would be a perfect name for a Filipino boxer or an over sized Cadillac? I bet the Saipan World Resort could really pack in a huge crowd to watch the Dela Torre-Pacquiano fight. I could even see myself bragging to my friends and associates at the golf course after handing the valet the keys to my 2009 Dela Torre.
If that's the case then Juan Quixote was most likely experiencing a "senior moment" and should be checked out for dementia or some other type of old man affliction. Seriously Juanny boy, do you really think that you have a legitimate shot at winning this thing? Are you having MC Hammer flashbacks, because let me tell you, you are not, not, not 2 Legit 2 Quit!

I'm all for a "local boy does good" story, but Lizama should not win this November. If he does, the CNMI will be politically pushed around more than he was by the schoolyard bullies back in the day. I hope Lizama remembers that he won't be able to cite his naysayers for contempt.

Juan, maybe you should think about taking up a farming career. I hear the local cucumbers don't talk back.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Free At Last!

That phrase has never been said with as much emotion since Martin Luther King, Jr. marched on Washington, D.C. on Washington, DC, on August 28, 1963.

I uttered it from atop Mt. Tapo-shopping when Juan "I Just Did More For The CNMI By Stepping Down From The Judiciary Than I Ever Did While Wearing The Robe And Wielding The Gavel" Lizama made the transition from community ruiner to campaign runner.

The Marianas Variety reported that Juanny boy finally accomplished something positive for the people of Saipan, Tinian and Rota last week when he stepped down as the Superior Court's top hammer holder in an effort to spread his awful sphere of influence on the good people of the United States of America.

Here's all you need to read from that story:

The Superior Court’s most senior judge, Juan Tudela Lizama, is retiring after 10 years on the bench to run for the CNMI’s congressional delegate seat this November.

He's sexist. He's a racist. He's a slime ball. He's a moron. And don't let me forget to add that he's a big time jerk in a small time community. Here's a note I found nailed on the Guma Hustisia door this morning right before I passed through the metal detector.

Dear Juan,

It's already been a couple of days since you packed up and left and I'm already missing you. Of course you didn't actually pack up yourself, but I know that you gave the order to your clerk to call the moving company.

I've already experienced three working days without you in my life and I have nothing but sorrow in my heart knowing that tomorrow will be the fourth. Perchance I can find strength to make it through the week without smelling Old Spice in the corridors.

In your absence, the halls of justice grow colder with every passing unpaid air conditioned breeze, and not even Gin Grizzly's faux smile can bring warmth to these weary eyes in my eternal winter of sorrow.

My soul beckons to "All Rise" in your presence once more, though I know it to be the wistful yearnings of a lonely girl.

I only hope that I 'm able to muster the strength to leave my empty home and journey back to the CNMI on Election Day to cast my ballot for a man of true honor and virtue.

Biba si Juan!

Love Always,

Pamela Mathis

That can't be true, but you really never can tell with some people. Who am I to judge? And who was Lizama to judge? I'm not the only one asking that one. Did you see the story about it in today's Saipan Tribune?

You can follow the link, but here's a little snip of the story:

Lizama not yet off the hook'

Although Juan T. Lizama had already resigned from the bench he is not yet off the hook in the unethical acts complaint filed against him before the CNMI Supreme Court.

NMI Judiciary's public information officer Virginia L. Gridley told Saipan Tribune yesterday that the complaint against Lizama is still pending in the Supreme Court.

“Regarding the Supreme Court case in which Judge Lizama is being prosecuted, his retirement does not affect the case,” said Gridley when asked on the status of the case.

Sounds like tough times for our Napoleonic hammer-hander-over-er, but maybe that's why he wants to run off to D.C. in the first place. Who knows, and who cares? At least we're free of him for now.

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Beware Lynn Knight!

Do you believe in witches and wizards? Do you believe in them so much that you would light up one of your neighbors and watch them burn? Well that's how things work in some parts of Africa, I guess.

Check out this little gem from

Mob burns to death 11 'witches, wizards'

NAIROBI, Kenya (AP) -- Officials say a mob has burned to death 11 people suspected of being witches and wizards in western Kenya.

Deputy police spokesman Charles Owino says the mob hunted down the 8 women and 3 men in two villages in the western Kenya district of Kisii Central. Owino says most of the victims were between 70 years old and 90 years old. Only one of the victims was 40 years old.

Senior administrator Njoroge Ndirangu says the mob used a list to hunt down people they said are suspected witches and wizards.

He added: "These people identified who is to be killed by accusing their victims of bewitching their sons and daughters." Ndirangu is the commissioner in charge of Kisii Central district.

Wow! Okay, lightning bolt scar on the forehead aside, how exactly are you supposed to prove that someone is a witch or a wizard? There's no need to come up with your own list of clues as angry mobs have long since discovered the ways of witch witting.

For those who weren't able to follow the accents, here's the script from one of Monty Python's Holy Grail fan sites.

FIRST VILLAGER: We have found a witch. May we burn her?

ALL: A Witch! Burn her!

BEDEVERE: How do you know she is a witch?

ALL: She looks like one. Yes, she does.

BEDEVERE: Bring her forward.

They bring her forward - a beautiful YOUNG GIRL (MISS ISLINGTON) dressed up as a witch.
WITCH: I am not a witch. I am not a witch.

BEDEVERE: But you are dressed as one.

WITCH: They dressed me up like this.

ALL: We didn't, we didn't!

WITCH: This is not my nose, It is a false one.

BEDEVERE takes her nose off.


FIRST VILLAGER: ... Well, we did do the nose.

BEDEVERE: The nose?

FIRST VILLAGER: And the hat. But she is a witch.

ALL: A witch, a witch, burn her!

BEDEVERE: Did you dress her up like this?

FIRST VILLAGER: ... Um ... Yes ... no ... a bit ... yes... she has got a wart.

BEDEVERE: Why do you think she is a witch?

SECOND VILLAGER: She turned me into a newt.


SECOND VILLAGER: (After looking at himself for some time)
I got better.

ALL: Burn her anyway.

BEDEVERE: Quiet! Quiet! There are ways of telling whether she is a witch.

ARTHUR and PATSY ride up at this point and watch what follows with interest

ALL: There are? Tell up. What are they, wise Sir Bedevere?

BEDEVERE: Tell me ... what do you do with witches?

ALL: Burn them.

BEDEVERE: And what do you burn, apart from witches?


BEDEVERE: So why do witches burn?

SECOND VILLAGER: (pianissimo) ... Because they're made of wood...?


PEASANTS stir uneasily then come round to this conclusion.

ALL: I see. Yes, of course.

BEDEVERE: So how can we tell if she is made of wood?

FIRST VILLAGER: Make a bridge out of her.

BEDEVERE: Ah ... but can you not also make bridges out of stone?

ALL: Ah. Yes, of course ... um ... err ...

BEDEVERE: Does wood sink in water?

ALL: No, no, It floats. Throw her in the pond Tie weights on her. To the pond.

BEDEVERE: Wait. Wait ... tell me, what also floats on water?

ALL: Bread? No, no, no. Apples .... gravy ... very small rocks ...

ARTHUR: A duck.

They all turn and look at ARTHUR. BEDEVERE looks up very impressed.

BEDEVERE: Exactly. So... logically ...

FIRST VILLAGER: (beginning to pick up the thread) If she ... weighs the same as a duck ... she's made of wood.

BEDEVERE: And therefore?

ALL: A witch! ... A duck! A duck! Fetch a duck.

FOURTH VILLAGER: Here is a duck, Sir Bedevere.

BEDEVERE: We shall use my largest scales.

He leads them a few yards to a very strange contraption indeed, made
of wood and rope and leather. They put the GIRL in one pan and the
duck in another. Each pan is supported by a wooden stave. BEDEVERE
checks each pan then ... ARTHUR looks on with interest.

BEDEVERE: Remove the supports.

Two PEASANTS knock them away with sledge hammers. The GIRL and the
duck swing slightly but balance perfectly.

ALL: A witch! A witch!

WITCH: It's a fair cop.

All: Burn her! Burn her! Let's make her into a ladder.

The VILLAGERS drag the girl away, leaving ARTHUR and BEDEVERE
regarding each other admiringly.

Friday, May 16, 2008

Joeten Brings Highway Robbery To Kagman!

Well, that's what the headline in the Saipan Tribune should have read, anyway. According to today's fish wrap, Joeten will be opening a new store out in homesteader country: Kagman. Sounds like they even want to get the store up an running sometime in the third quarter.

Vice president Clarence P. Tenorio Jr. said that the locally owned retail company, which is celebrating its 59th year of doing business this month, is planning to construct a 5,500-square-foot medium-sized grocery store at its expansive Kagman property.
He said the store, which is about a $1 million overall investment, will be slightly smaller in size than its Joeten Dandan Market and will essentially carry the same variety of items.

Whether it's Joeten Dandan, Susupe, or Garapan, the company has been overpricing its items and severely underpaying its employees for nearly six decades. People routinely flock to Joeten stores because they're the biggest, but the owners have been treating local people like shit for far too long.

Sure, the Joeten business model looks successful, but it's been marinading in corruption just about as long as it has been open. Think about the stores that would've come to Saipan were it not for Joeten's connections. We're talking about stores like K-Mart and Wal-Mart.

These people would bring some sanity to Saipan's shoppers and pay livable wages. Joeten is about as crooked as Benigno R. Fitial's spine, but people keep coming back to them.

Two words: Fuck Joeten

Maybe we should start a prayer vigil for all of the people who have been anally violated by the biggest non-garment wielder of genital weapons of ass destruction.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Thanks, Lil!

While I am relatively new to blogging, I've already received some helpful advice from those in the know. For one, there was this guy who told me that I should give it up altogether. After thinking about it long and hard, I decided to press on.

I received some more advice from Lil Hammerhead. This "blast from the past" was the first fellow blogger (of the two, so far) to add a link to my blog and the first to offer some constructive advice. What was it? Add Google Analytics.

Now I swear by it! I know how many (or how few) people stop by to check out what's yappening on a daily basis. So far, most of the traffic that comes my way is through Lil's blog, followed by Blogger referral and The Saipan Blogger.

The good news is that the number of people who just enter to get here is growing. Thanks! Hopefully you'll stick around and yap back to me more in the future.

So who is really to blame?

I can't say that I've ever been a member of a police force, but I have read a few detective novels. While that doesn't make me an expert investigator, I think I know a thing or two about why the AGO hasn't filed any charges in last year's tragic accident that resulted in the death of a beautiful young soul.

The headline from the Marianas Variety read, DPS: AGO has yet to charge driver in fatal collision. It seems to me that the AGO hasn't filed any charges because there's really nothing to charge the guy with in the first place.

Here's an excerpt from the story:

(Department of Public Safety Commissioner Clyde K.) Norita, in an interview, said traffic investigator Flor Estabillo recommended that the driver be charged with reckless driving and vehicular homicide.

Wow, that's a tough price to pay. But the guy is at fault so he deserves it, right? Okay, so lay it on me. What did the guy do wrong that caused the accident?

Norita said surveillance camera at establishments near the area where the accident happened showed that the truck was traveling on the inner lane.

“All commercial vehicles should operate on the outer lane not the inner lane,” he said. “We talked to some witness, we did calculations, measurements, we got video footage, statement from the operator — everything is there; it’s a clean cut investigation, so all we’re waiting now is the prosecution of this case.”

So are they saying that the driver of the truck was at fault for the accident on Middle Road because he was driving in the inner lane? Is that really an infraction these days? And is that really what caused the accident? Surely there's more to this.

Maybe the officer in charge of the traffic section can help clear this up by shedding a few additional details:

Sgt. Tom Blas, patrol section officer-in-charge who was the head of the traffic section at the time of the incident, said the driver committed auto-traffic violations when he operated the truck.

According to Blas, the truck was traveling on the wrong lane and was going "over 35 miles an hour" based on skid measurements and calculations.

How "over" is "over 35 miles per hour?" Are we talking 36mph? So if the guy is driving down the middle of Middle Road and in his lane and at the prescribed speed (based upon DPS investigation), would the accident have been avoided?

The guy slammed on his brakes to try and avoid the accident. It's not as if the victim was creeping into the outer lane from the parking lot, right? What was the victim doing at the time?

Deleon Guerrero was on her way to a barbecue party in Chalan Kiya when her 1997 Honda Civic, which was about to make a left turn, collided with the truck on May 20, 2007.

Maybe she bolted out into traffic thinking that she had ample time to make the turn. The guy was in the inner lane but it's not as if he was flying down the road, right? Perhaps the accident was her fault?

Blas said preliminary investigation indicated that the victim, a former Miss Marianas Teen runner-up, could have caused the crash, but follow-up investigation showed that (the truck) driver was in violation of traffic rules.

So are they saying that the driver of the truck was at fault for the accident because he was driving in the inner lane of Middle Road? No way! Come on, Clyde. "Reckless driving and vehicular homicide" hardly fit the bill in this case.

You can't hammer this guy because of that. Why not go after former Rep. Ana S. Teregeyo who pulverized a kid in Dan Dan on April 19? DPS cited the kid at fault for the improper operation of his self-propelled two-wheeled "vehicle," as per DPS, CNMI Vehicle Code Title 9 subsection 5352:

"Any vehicle entering the intersection shall stop at the entrance to a through highway and yield the right of way to other vehicles which have entered the intersection from the through highway or which are approaching so closely on the through highway as to constitute an immediate hazard and shall continue to yield the right of way to the approaching vehicle until such time as he can proceed with reasonable safety."

It gets worse when you read the reporter's description of the incident:

Teregeyo’s vehicle was heading north on Holiday Drive while the boy was heading west on Independence Loop. The minor entered Holiday Drive and collided with Teregeyo’s vehicle.

The boy collided with Teregeyo's vehicle? Are you kidding me? I think a more accurate way of depicting the situation is:

Teregeyo’s vehicle was heading north on Holiday Drive while the boy was heading west on Independence Loop. The minor entered Holiday Drive where he was struck by Teregeyo’s vehicle and thrown from his bicycle.

If these two cases are indicative of the way our DPS traffic section operates, I think we've got a shit load of problems in Susupe...

Monday, May 12, 2008

CNMI Taken Over By Old People!

Run for your lives! Godzilla-sized fogies are taking over the government! Aaaaaaaaahhh!

Alright, alright...

So today's headline in the Marianas Variety is "Manamko’ ‘take over’ NMI gov’t." Here's the lead from Moneth G. Deposa's little piece:

FORTY-SIX of the islands’ senior citizens took over the reins of the CNMI government on Friday as part of the annual Older Americans Month activities.

Juana S. Dela Cruz, 73, served as the “governor” an experience she described as “very interesting and a chance of a lifetime.”

Wait, I don't understand. Aren't the manamko' already running the government? True enough, our governor is a strapping young lad at the age of 62 years old, but he's spent more time in the hospital than many of the CHC's doctors.

How about Howard Willens? Isn't he one of Fitial's great uncles? I've got it on good authority that he's got a liver spot for each of the CNMI's poker parlors.

My favorite part of the story is how the old folks accomplished exactly what their counterparts do on a day-to-day basis. Look at this hardworking woman of advanced years. She's doing the same job as the current press secretary, and she's twice as old!

Sure I think this is a cute story, but it's anything but major news. The Marianas Variety staff came up with two stories on "old folks" day, but they weren't the only ones mailing it in.

Check out this bit of news from the Saipan Tribune. Sure the reporter got the story right, but why is this considered news? Check it out:

Tinian Republican Party president Ramon M. Dela Cruz has congratulated Resident Representative Pete A. Tenorio for the passage of the federalization bill on Friday, May 9, and suggested that the date be forever celebrated in the CNMI as “Delegate Day.”

Just what we need, another holiday.

We're talking about the same Ray Dela Cruz who spends most of his time around the poker tables at the Tinian Dynasty and Casino, right? Maybe Ray needs to trade in his crappy cowboy hat for a translucent visor because his "I wanna be like Pete" look just isn't working.

He does have that "I just tied a fair maiden to the railroad tracks" mustache, I he's definitely got a future in the CNMI's seedy political circles. I just don't like the idea of him designating holidays. Can you imagine celebrating "I hit it big at the slots" day? How about "Double Down" day?

Maybe the best idea is "Evil Villain Mustache" Day! I love it. It's better than that silly Talk Like A Pirate Day. All you do on pirate day is say "Arrrrrrr." Wouldn't it be much cooler to say "Muhahaha!" ? You'll even get to twist the ends of your mustache.

I'll send the memot to the Tinian Republican Party. And why does Tinian have its own Republican party? Sounds like someone wanted to make themselves feel self-important.

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Whatchu Talkin' 'Bout Muna?

I can't believe that the power rates are about to more than double their current rate. On one hand it makes sense for the rates to reflect the actual cost of fuel, but on the other hand, it seems logical that the CUC would have to remove the fuel surcharge.

Is that what's happening?

Perhaps my use of “logical” is the problem.

The Saipan Tribune and the Marianas Variety broke the story on the front page of today’s editions.

First of all, don't tell me that the fuel surcharge isn't still around either. I see it as a specific line item on every monthly bill. The Yapper’s bill broke through the stratosphere last month for the twenty-fourth consecutive month.

You know, come to think of it, I never saw my power rates drop when they were supposed to. I don’t really know if I’ll be in for a shock or not when next month’s bill rolls around.

What about the load shedding? Will the increase in rates eliminate the load shedding? And another thing, how much will I have to pay to drink the water out of my tap?

There’ll be “plenty” of questions to be asked of the CUC, but here's three to get our reporters going. So get to it, reporters!

Feel free to call the CUC Customer Service department for yourself at (670) 235-7025. Well, if you can get through, that is. I let the line ring an untold amount of times for five minutes before they hung up on me.

In a related story, the Commonwealth Utilities Corporation will be giving away complimentary ornaments with every bill payment received to remind people in advance of the holiday season where their Christmas money went.

Ho, Ho, Ho! Merry C(uc)hristmas!

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

A Sincere Thanks To The FSM

It is with a humble heart that I bring you some truly joyous news. While my blog has only been in existence for a couple of weeks, people from around the region have started to take notice. While I thought I might raise a few eyebrows, I never expected to be honored by President Emanuel MORI and Vice President Alik L. ALIK, of the Federated States of Micronesia.

See here from today's Micronesian Variety...

PALIKIR--President Emanuel MORI, in his supreme benevolence, recognized the work on one of the region's finest writers this afternoon when he and Vice President Alik L. ALIK officially renamed one of the Federated States of Micronesia's proudest places.

In a declaration that came with much fanfare in the presidential palace's rose garden, the honorable MORI announced that Yap State will be known forever more as Yapper State, in honor of new blogger, The Daily Yapper.

After hearing of the exalted MORI's proclamation, citizens took to the streets from Gilman to Gagil in what one reveler explained as "the happiest day of our lives!" The all-knowing, all-seeing MORI explained that many phases of everyday life would be the same and that neither Pohnpei, Kosrae nor Chuuk should not harbor any jealous feelings to their renamed neighbor.

Ah, to be honored by the land of stone money and scantily clad young women. Could one possibly ask for more? Is that a tear forming in the corner of my eye? I believe it is. To the people of the Federated States of Micronesia, please accept my most heartfelt appreciation.

Perhaps asking for a small beach side bungalow near the local college would be out of the question. I mean, the girls are topless. The people of the FSM are people of action, and President MORI emailed me a photo of the new maps this afternoon.

Name Changes Continue For CUC

SAIPAN--While the islands of Saipan, Tinian and Rota suffer through governmental rhetoric instead of the quality, reliable buzz of voltage in the power lines, the disembodied heads that run the chicken coop are making changes at the top.

Recently, the local fish wrap reported that the Commonwealth Utilities Corporation swapped out Tony Guerrero for Tony Muna. While literature buffs refer to the changeover as "The Tale of Two Tonies," bill payers with an affinity for 80's hip-hop seem to approve of the switch because of its alarming similarity to has-been Tony! Toni! Toné!

While Muna has served less than a week in office, he's already making progress with the local utility by cutting through the bureaucratic process by telling people exactly what is happening at the power plants.

After briefing the public about the sorry state of the generators and the CNMI's inability to pay for the upcoming fuel shipments from the floating international petroleum charity, Mobil, Muna announced that he is renaming the CUC to better reflect the services provided to the citizenry.

In a memo dated 7 May 2008, Muna anounced that the Commonwealth Utilities Corporation shall be referred to as “Chamorros Using Candles.” The governor praised Muna's creativity and said that the utility's head saved the Commonwealth untold thousands of dollars by maintaining the same acronym.

"I like this guy. He's a snappy dresser and subscribes to my exercise routine. What a guy, what a guy," Fitial said. "If he continues with this pace, the CNMI should be back on its feet in no time. Biba Muna!"

In a related story, the governor changed the CNMI flag with that of the Shell Oil. When asked why he made the change, Fitial said, "Well, if Tony changed the CUC's name to reflect its current state, I thought it only fitting to represent the CNMI's flag with a banner that more accurately depicts our economy as a "Shell" of its former self."

Thursday, May 1, 2008

Say what?

Just when I thought that Greg Cruz and the Taotao Tano couldn't get any worse, they come up with another stupid fucking press release in the papers. Somebody needs to take away their crayons for good because I, for one, am sick and tired of reading their asinine points of view.

Perhaps the fault lies with the media, who repeatedly deems the rantings of a few unemployed panderers fools newsworthy. Why not protest them? Why not hold up signs saying, "Taotao Tano Go Home (to your shitty little tin shacks that stand as a testament to your lack of intelligence and planning)."

Here's a bit of the article that appeared in today's Marianas Variety.

In a two-page letter, Taotao Tano leader Gregorio S. Cruz Jr. said they are taking action “on behalf of the suffering, humiliated, betrayed, and disrespected local indigenous Northern Marianas Descent people of the land of the commonwealth.”

The two lawmakers he wants impeached are Reps. Heinz S. Hofschneider, R-Saipan, and Tina Sablan, Ind.-Saipan.

Wonderful, Greg. You want to impeach Tina, one of the most honest and forthright leaders of our time. Do you even know the meaning of the word? I think you're high as a kite and dumb as a stick. And what about Heinz? What exactly were you saying about these two?

The complaint states that it is in the best interest of the people of the commonwealth, “especially to the local indigenous and the future generation’s well-being,” to remove Fitial, Hofschneider and Sablan from office...Cruz did not say what were the actions taken by Fitial and the two lawmakers that rose to the level of an impeachable offense.

Thanks genius! We definitely need more people like you in the CNMI, Greg. The only thing is that we need you to cut our lawns, not write to the government about the ratification of your moronic agenda.

Please Greg, leave the government for the adults. Surely there are plenty of fucked up adults in office now (I'm looking at you, Oscar and Luis), but the last thing we need is a food fight starting at the kids table.

The Constitution states that it is the “House of Representatives [that] may initiate impeachment proceedings by the affirmative vote of two-thirds of its members and the Senate may convict after hearing by the affirmative vote of two-thirds of its members.”

Anyone really think this is going to happen? Not likely.