Tuesday, April 22, 2008

And this is DPS' big operation?

Have you heard about the heroic work done by our boys in blue? Yep, seems that our Department of Public Safety finally tightened the noose on the notorious Dirty Dozen that's been ravaging our public streets for years.

Of course, I jest.

The story about DPS arresting 12 "illegal" taxi drivers, a prostitute and a tourist (who slept with said hooker) made the lead in the Saipan Tribune this morning and took second billing in the Marianas Variety.

Way to go guys! Way to snuff out the single most important crime we have here in the CNMI. Copper who?

The only silver lining to this piece of police work is that it gives me the opportunity to yap about another ridiculous operation here on Saipan.

First of all, these "illegal" taxis should be studied. Why? Well, our government (previous administration, I believe) imposed a minimum rate for taxis in the CNMI because the local operators said that they were unable to earn a profit in the open market.

Well no shit, Sherlock. Who the fuck buys a gas guzzling SUV as a taxi? I mean, the cost of gasoline has to figure into your business plan, Chuck. Not here! Driving a 4X4 as a taxi makes about as much sense as buying a pair of ice skates for your next track meet.

WTF?

Oh wait, there is a solution. I'll just go to the governor and ask for a little price fixing. To hell with the market value. Fucking jagoffs!

These taxis are "illegal" because they are somehow able to turn a profit by offering $3 and $5 rides around Saipan. They also sign on regular customers for $90-$110 per month. That will get you a ride to work and back with the occasional trip to and from the bar.

Oh, the humanity!

How can they do such a thing?

Well, it's because the operators decided to get one of the most fuel efficient vehicles on the market and charged what the working people of Saipan are able to afford. Understand that these "illegal" taxis were providing a service to the people of Saipan before they got pinched, not the tourists.

Out of towners here are regularly soaked for $20 when they need a trip from the port to Garapan. Why don't locals take "legal" taxis? Because they cost way too fucking much! So what happened? Same thing that always happens: the market adapted.

So who does this really hurt? Us, that's who! How many of the local constituents were complaining about the rash of affordable taxis on Saipan? Fucking nobody! So what did our Department of Public Safety do? Nab a bunch of Chinese taxi drivers who were actually contributing to our people.

They were like the Robin Hoods of public transportation.

Great job, DPS! Now how about catching the vandals? How about bagging the tourist area thieves? Why not throw everyone at Joeten in jail for robbing us at the register?

Fucking-A, guys! A fucking "dragnet" for "illegal" taxis? What about spending those man hours on something worthwhile, like bagging all of the people who you know are robbing tourists in Marpi?

Okay, so you're saying that this bust was a major victory in the war on prostitution, right? Come on! Like that's a problem here. Tourists come here to party, smoke weed, and fuck cheap whores. Okay, maybe not the families (thought I bet some of the husbands sneak out for a little action now and again).

But come on, how many times do family outings take place after 10pm? They don't! Hey, I don't see the whores picking up Johns with their coffee during their lunch at Winchell's . It's like this: guys drink, get a little drunk, and look for pussy. It's just the simple.

You really think that all of these Navy guys are coming to the bars so that they can forge strong bonds of friendship with the people of Saipan? They want to catch a buzz and chase some tail. Any other ideas you entertain are pointless.

I'm tired of HANMI and Lynn Knight saying that the people are fed up with the prostitutes. Bullshit! That's what they're here for, Lynn. Garapan is seedy, and we should market it effectively.

Hell, why not tax the prostitutes? That would bring tons of funds into the CNMI's coffers without actually harming anyone. We can license them, submit them for regular medical check-ups, and everyone will be happy. At least we won't have to chip in for the dental plan because the guys wil appreciate the gummers (makes me sick even thinking about it).

It's a good idea, legalizing prostitution. And it's way better than legalizing marijuana, too. Pot fucks you up, but prostitutes just fuck you.

Funny thing is that with the federalization we might have OSHA coming down to the street corners and fining CUC for failing to provide the working girls with adequate lighting.

So now what are we left with? A bunch of affordable taxi drivers who are too afraid to work and a bunch of used up girls looking for a ride to work.