Saturday, December 20, 2008

Oh Woe Is Us

The 2009 Gubenatorial Race is looking to provide the CNMI's citizens with another sizable field of candidate from which to choose. The only question out there now is whether or not any of them will be any good.
saipan, cnmi, rota, tinian, fitial, convict, scam
If it's anything like the 2008 Washington Delegate election, we're in for another snoozer. While we at Yap Central expect more candidates to throw their respective hats into the ring, we've presently only a few names on the ballot.
corruption, jack abramhoff, poor leader
While all of the names submitted are familiar, the bad thing is that all of the names are familiar. So far we've only got five candidates who can be called either washed-up, has-beens, retreads, failures or future losers. You pick which tag you wish to place on them.
benigno fitial, worst governor ever, bad candidate, don't vote for him ever again
Who are they? Allow me to explain them....


Benigno Fitial

The incumbent certainly feels that he has a shot at re-election, but he's got one heck of an uphill climb. The Gubnah has had plenty of obstacles to overcome during his term, and that has played a large part in his abysmal popularity rankings.

The only votes he's going to receive in 2009 will be from his family and the government employees who would stand to lose their job should Fitial lose his seat. I'm not talking about the bush cutters, I'm talking about the incompetent brood that fills some important positions in and around the CNMI.

I'm looking at you Melvin Faisao. A fourth grade education isn't good enough for a cabinet position unless your position is in the kitchen cabinet, pulling out pots and pans to make a drum set. Sorry Mel, but you can't vote twice by raising each one of your hands.

I think that means that the Department of Labor will be getting some new brass as well. Cinta will be out and about while the Howard and Deanne show will be showing on reruns on Capital Hill.

Fitial failed to deliver on his promises, bankrupted our government, robbed Pedro to pay Pablo, wasted our cash by suing the feds and belittled the contract workers (well, that's par for the course for everyone so we'll let him slide on that one).

Sorry, Ben. The next time will likely be your last time. Cheer up, because you'll surely be granted a position with Tan Holdings if you aren't interested in retirement just yet. It's a good thing too because you're part of the reason why there won't be anything left in the CNMI Retirement Fund less than two years from now.

The only thing that Fitial has going for him is that current Lieutenant Governor and soon to be convict Tim Villagomez won't be running with him. Tim once had aims of becoming the governor in 2009. Now all he has to look forward to in the New Year is a wider anus courtesy of the federal penal system.

Up Next: Juan Nekai Babauta

Here's a preview:

This guy was the governor who preceded our current governor and who places second behind the current governor for the worst governor of all-time. I'm not just talking about the CNMI, either. Babauta was so bad that he ran our utilities into the ground before...

Friday, December 5, 2008

Is It Just Me?

Is it just me or is there a new fire cadet who expressed her dislike for the Fitial administration when she legally changed her last name? You can read the story for yourself in today's Saipan Tribune, but I've cut out the only part you really need to read below:

Christine S. Funkugub, the lone female in the cycle, became the fourth female firefighter in the CNMI. Except for one who is already retired, all female firefighters are on active duty on Saipan.

It just has to be a made-up name. It's too perfect for it to be natural. Like many other things that occur in the CNMI, this can truly be filed under "O" for "Only In Saipan." If not, Christine has to come from a long line of political dissidents.

While I find her name hilarious, I find the efforts of all of these men and women commendable and wish to recognize those who stood out from their class. Welcome all to The Yapper's Honor Roll.

9th Cycle Fire Academy Valedictorian: Joaquin T. Camacho
9th Cycle Fire Academy Salutatorian: Albert Lee T. Aldan

9th Cycle Fire Academy Most Physically Fit: Robert P. Camacho, Jerome Q. Repeki
9th Cycle Fire Academy Top Firefighter: Robert P. Camacho
9th Cycle Fire Academy Gallantry Award: Linus Mizutani Jr.


Joining the overachievers are Jesse D. Arriola Jr., John C. Babauta, Rodney C. Cabrera, Francisco A. Cruz, Gary S. Cruz, Robert C. Cruz, Lorenzo V. Deleon Guerrero, Alejandro M. King, Ralphael L. Magofna, Richard D. Manalo Jr., Benjamin T. Manglona, Elden M. Sablan and Vincent F. Sablan.

In the words of Department of Public Safety Commissioner Santiago F. Tudela, "Don't ever forget that the badge you wear is a faith entrusted in you as a public servant and that badge is as good as the person who wears it.”

Great honor to all of you and the entire 89-member DPS Firefighter for serving our community.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Marianas Variety Censors Comment Section

What a bunch of bullshit! I thought that the Marianas Variety was going to have something special when it unveiled its revamped website earlier this year thanks in part to it comment section attached to each story.

Readers are able to login and post whatever they wish about the story, but only profane language is edited. For instance, when someone enters the word "shit" in the comment section it is printer as "s**t."

I think they took it a little too far by doing the same for "stupid" and "idiot" but it's their website and they can do what they choose...to a point

What those spineless bitches have done is eliminate individual comments from the section as they deem fit. If you want to harp on the governor, feel free. The only problem is that a phone call to the Marianas Variety from the governor will have that comment erased.

Those motherfucking at the Marianas Variety have removed nearly all of the comments I've made during the past few weeks. It all started with comments about the government, government officials and Taotao Tano's Greg Cruz (one of the association's only two members).

The same thing happened to my recent ridicule of DPS crime scene technician, Florencio Richards. I gave him a hard time for storing his government issued gun with his pugua pack and leaving it in his unlocked car overnight.

When he woke up the following day, his gun was gone and he claimed it was stolen. Apparently, calling a DPS officer irresposnsible for leaving a loaded weapon in his unlocked car overnight while the car is at his house is too much for the Marians Variety to handle.

Maybe they deem this acceptable behaviour or maybe they can't handle the truth. I also mentioned that Florencio Richards is the worst officer on the force and that he ought to be suspended without pay pending an investigation of his missing weapon, at the very least.

I thought he should also be fired for placing the public in jeaopardy.

Is it too much for us to ask that a non-uniformed DPS officer secure his weapon and ammunition while off duty? Does storing a loaded gun in a fanny pack and leaving that fanny pack in an unlocked car at your residence qualify as being secure in anyone's standard operating procedure manual?

The answer is no.

Florencio Richards is an idiot who put the whole community at risk with his carelessness. It's time for him to drop a few paygrades and be put on bicycle patrol in Garapan. Maybe he can handle a whistle and start working his way up to a flashlight.

Here's how the Variety printed the story:

AN officer of the Crime Scene Investigators Unit lost his firearm after his government-assigned vehicle was burglarized on Friday evening.

Acting Department of Public Safety spokesman PO2 Jason T. Tarkong said Florencio Richards, a crime scene technician, reported a burglary and theft incident at about 11:57 a.m. on Friday at his residence in Dandan.

Tarkong said Officer Edwin Aguon responded to the scene and met with Richards. Richards told Aguon that his firearm was secured in his government-issued vehicle.

“Earlier that morning Richards noticed his keys were missing,” Tarkong said. “He said he searched his residence but was unable to locate his keys. When he checked his car, he discovered it unlocked.”

When Richards opened his car, he discovered that his black waist pouch containing his Smith & Wesson 9mm semi-automatic handgun was missing along with its magazines and ammunition. Richards informed his immediate supervisor, Sgt. Augustine Kaneshi, about the incident.

Tarkong said the case is under investigation and the public should contact DPS at 664-9042 or Crime Stoppers at 234-2727 if they have any information about this incident. The Crime Stoppers program pays up to $1,000 for any information leading to an arrest. Caller ID is not used and all calls are anonymous.

This guy might not have lost the gun at all. He could have sold it or lost it and tried using this as an excuse to cover up the incident. I don't know how you can trust a guy like this to protect the community.

If he thinks that most secure place for his weapon is in his vehicle, ask him where he kept his wallet that night. How about his watch? And his badge?

Thanks to the Marianas Variety, I can't call out this moron in the public like he deserves. They can't cry foul about personal attacks either since they kept all of the comments I made about those three confessed killers in the Ballesteros case.

This is the first time I add two names to The Sick List in the same post, but it has to be done. Welcome to infamy, Florencio "Where's My Gun" Richards and the newly censor-happy Marianas Variety online comment section.

A hearty and healthy "Fuck You" to both of you!

Friday, November 21, 2008

New Clothing Line

Just to gain a distraction from the tragic week we've had in the CNMI, I've decided to open up a new business selling clothing items to the people of the Marianas. For years, I've been sitting on this business plan but I was never motivated enough to do anything about it.

After taking some time to reflect on life's lack of a guarantee, I decided that there's no time like the present because you never know if you're going to have a future. Just ask around Saipan and you'll know exactly what I mean.

For starters, I was thinking about a new line of celebrity t-shirts. Because time and money was in short supply, I was only able to get one of the prototypes out to Joeten this afternoon. Just my luck, there was a Russian tour group who literally swept in from the buses and bought all of them not less than 10 minutes after I put them on the rack.

I'm positive that none of them spoke English so the clever mode of phrasing I employed surely didn't win them over. I thought back to last month when I caught a glimpse of the Russian supermodels who dropped by to Saipan.

That's when it hit me that the Russians are into beautiful people. I knew that there was a chance that I could make a few sales come election time if I started using local politicians as the subject of my work, but I thought the bulk of my sales would come from the local buying public.

Not so. If my little experiment in the apparel biz has taught me anything it's that sex sells. Apparently, it's true when it comes to the Russians. As the air inside Joeten began to fill with the sound of rattling plastic hangars and cash registers, I was so excited that I snapped a photo of the last one that passed though the register. What do you think?

The Misguided Murderers

So you thought one photo was bad enough? Thanks to one of The Yapper's anonymous readers, I was able to get photos of all of the killers. Thanks a ton for putting a face to the CNMI's filth.

For that, I would gladly make you a Junior Yapper.

Looking at them I almost want to reach back in time and tell them that their whole lives are ahead of them and that they don't have to commit this crime.

Maybe they missed a few meals. Maybe they were abused. Maybe they just missed a few hugs.

They'll get plenty of hugs in jail, but it won't be the ones that they'd enjoy. Most of them will probably be from behind.

Young kids who had their whole lives in front of them took their last breath of freedom on the same night they took Efren Ballesteros' last breath.

The Face Of A Murderer

Look at this worthless piece of trash. It's Edward Blas, the kid who murdered Efren Ballesteros this week. This is his MySpace profile picture. His parents must be proud of him. Well, that is if they're even around.

Thanks to the reader who sent over the link. Check it out for yourself.

Add 3 Fucks to The Sick List

Eric Rabauliman (18), Randy Igisomar (16) and Edward Blas (16), you kids are fucking animals. You are a disgrace to the islands and to humanity in general. My your lives in prison be wrought with the same pain and suffering that you doled out to the innocent security guard, Efren Ballesteros.

You three are utterly disgusting. Your souls are dark.

And it's not just you.

Your parents should be ashamed that they spawned filth such as yourselves. Then they should be castigated for failing to raise you. Your homes must be as bad as you and there's no excuse for the lack of parenting.

Congratulations for making The Sick List and giving up any chance at living a normal lives. Also you can forget about getting laid...with a girl anyway. Life in prison should offer the three of you plenty of anal satisfaction, if you like that sort of thing.

For your sake, I hope you do because it's all you're ever going to get.

Why am I so angry?

Follow this link or read below. I recommend following the link so you can read some of the comments from the local community.

No bail for murder suspects

THREE teenagers beat to death with a PVC pipe, an iron rebar and a 2x2 wood a 45-year-old security guard assigned to the Marianas High School so they could steal laptops.

All will be charged with murder, including the two juveniles who will be tried as adults.

No bail was set for Eric Rabauliman, 18; Randy Igisomar, 16; and Edward Blas, 16, who separately appeared in Superior Court for a bail hearing.

Rabauliman and Igisomar appeared on Wednesday before Presiding Judge Robert Naraja for their bail hearing, while Blas appeared before Judge David Wiseman yesterday afternoon.

The three will return to court on Nov. 26 for their preliminary hearing and they will be arraigned on Dec. 1.

Chief Prosecutor Kevin Lynch said they have strong evidence against the teenagers.

“Under commonwealth law, a person who is 16 years of age or older, charged with murder, or rape or traffic offenses, shall be tried as an adult,” Lynch said.

The three will also face burglary, robbery and theft charges in relation to the Nov. 17 burglary that led to the death of Efren Ballesteros.

The two juveniles were remanded to the custody of the Juvenile Detention facility. Rabauliman was turned over to the Department of Corrections.

This is not the first time that CNMI prosecutors will try juveniles as adults.

In the 1990s, then 17-year-old Shawn Appleby was sentenced to 40 years in prison for the death of a businessman whom he shot in the head while he and his conspirators were looting the victim’s store.

Blas has been charged with theft, curfew violation and burglary in three other cases.

The motive

Detective Simon Manacop, in his affidavit, said Rabauliman and the two other suspects hatched a plan on Monday night to steal laptops fom MHS.

The three walked all the way from Chalan Kanoa to MHS unarmed. When they reached the campus, Igisomar suggested they obtain weapons first.

Igisomar picked a 2x2 wood. Rabauliman got a .5-inch PVC pipe and Blas took a rebar.

According to the affidavit, the three noticed Ballesteros who was resting on a concrete bench by the hallway in between MHS buildings A&B.

They decided to knock him down first before proceeding to the two classrooms where they took 12 laptops, the affidavit stated.

Manacop said the suspects told him they took turns in attacking Ballesteros.

“Igisomar said he swung the wood first at the security guard not knowing if he hit the shoulder or the head…. Rabauliman and Blas began hitting the guard with what they were carrying,” the detective said.

“After taking several laptops from inside rooms #B201/202, all three of them proceeded to the JROTC building where Blas informed them that there was money inside because they were selling fundraising tickets…. After taking the items, they went out and walked back to check on the security guard whom they saw was still laying down on the bench. Then they went out of the campus, the same way they went in,” the affidavit stated.

Ballesteros’ body was discovered around 6 a.m. on Tuesday by a maintenance worker.

“A skull fracture was visible to the right side of the head partially exposing the brain,” Manacop said.

Police who responded to the scene recovered the shattered pieces of the PVC pipe and 2x2 wood at the crime scene.

After taking the laptops, the three teenagers proceeded back to Chalan Kanoa.

POII Jason Tarkong, the acting public information officer of the Department of Public Safety, said Police Officer Mike Palacios who was patrolling the Chalan Kanoa neighborhood spotted the three at a laundry shop.

Inside the plastic bag that one of them was carrying were some laptops and a blue-shirt with blood stains, Tarkong said.

The arrest of the suspects was also made possible by an anonymous tipster to the Crime Stoppers, he added.

DPS is commending all the officers involved in the speedy resolution of this homicide case, Tarkong said.

He added, “I would like to recognize the hard work of Detective Simon Manacop, the lead case agent, Sgt. Sylvan Rangamar the officer in charge of [the Criminal Investigation Bureau], and their investigators for an outstanding job. In addition, I would like to mention good police work by Patrol Officer Mike Palacios for recovering the stolen items, and the Crime Stoppers tip that help lead to the arrest of the suspects.”

Thursday, November 20, 2008

To The Congresswoman From Guam

Dear Madeleine Z. Bordallo,
guam, guam sucks, congress
You're a worthless cunt whose claim to fame was your husband. One day, the world will run out of silly putty and you won't be able to fill the potholes of your face. When that happens, the misguided Guamanian fucks who vote for you will start to see who you really are.
cnmi, gregorio kilili sablan, saipan
Then they're going to call Prince Charming and inform him that they found the wrinkled up old hag that gave Sleeping Beauty the poisoned apple. Then look out, sister!
marianas trench marine monument
Sincerely,
fishing, pacific, wespac, john gourley
The Yapper
we love saipan, the daily yapper, marianas visitors authority
Really Madeleine Z, you are a worthless sack of old bones that sponged your way to prominence long ago and has managed to hang on to your position as long as you've been able to hang on to that shaggy sloth pelt you wear on your head.
best blog on saipan, tinian, rota, cnmi
You're put together like an old Mrs. Potato Head and the parts are going to start falling off soon. It's just a matter of time before that nose jumps ship. Your opposition to the proposed Marianas Trench Marine Monument is as misguided as the worthless lot who follows you around with a vacuum as you shed your gray pubes.
cnmi, commonwealth of the northern mariana islands
Please stay away from our Delegate to the US Congress! Your bitter soul will never find warmth in Guam, so please don't suck the life out of our guy to satisfy your vampiric thirst for fresh meat.
united states of america, willie tan, jack abrahmoff
To say that you're a power hungry dirty old whore would be an insult to power hungry dirty old whores. You, my dear, are a filthy bandwagoneer whose professional life has been advanced along via the misinformation superhighway and your crusty old diseased cavern you refer to as your vagina.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Slow go today

I guess nobody blogs on their days off. Just goes to show that just about our entire blogging readership is peeping in on our pages during their working hours. Tsk, tsk, tsk. That goes for you elected types up on the hill as well as the poor slobs scrubbing toilets.

And this guy...

It will be interesting to see who wins the election and what kind of turnout we get for our first ever CNMI delegate to the U.S. Congress. An even bigger question is how the election will be run now that Kilili won't be overseeing his previously well-oiled machine.

Monday, November 3, 2008

On Tomorrow's Vote...

My blogging mentor and moral compass, Lil Hammerhead, recently expressed her desire for the CNMI's voters to come out with pride for tomorrow's election that will name out delegate to the U.S. Congress.

I want everyone to come out and cast their ballot, too! But I want to first offer a few words to the voting public.

If you're planning on voting for Chong Man Won, stay home. Really, it's not worth leaving your house and wasting your gas and vote on a guy who won't win the election anyway. This guy has a few numbers to rattle off if you ask him about his plans, but it's the same old stuff you hear at all of his rallies. I don't doubt that his heart is in it, I just don't think that he has what it takes to go from an errand boy to CEO overnight.


If you're planning on voting for Juan Lizama, you might as well go to J's Restaurant on Middle Road and enjoy the smoke-filled air. The smoke should mix well with your clouded judgment and maybe you won't bother getting out of your chair and save us all a little headache from what this pompous ass would do to our reputation. I like his professional background, I just don't like his personal background. He's a jerk, and I'm only being kind here because g00$e said that I've matured as a writer.


If you're planning on voting for this guy, then please vote for me to be the special assistant to the Secretary of the Department of Community and Cultural Affairs because we'll need to give him a steady diet of what it is to be local. All SPAM aside, I don't think we need him representing us because he might actually do a good job and make the people in congress think that we've got our shit together over here. Nope, we need someone else who is fucked up to win the seat.



If you're happy with the way things have gone for us in the past then this is the guy you need to vote for. Sure we pay a little more every time he flies because the airlines won't let people his height fly by themselves, but he seems to know his way around the killer D.C. loop! I hope that whomever wins this election knows what they're doing. While I'm not with Pete A. on plenty of things, at least he won't need to find his way around the beltway. He might be the right guy to get us up and running but he's not the long term guy for us.


If you're voting for Senator Crisostimo, I really am not worried about you making it to the polls anyway. Sure, he most likely paid you off by giving you money for your CUC, but my guess is that you never paid CUC because you blew all of the cash in one of his poker parlors. If by some chance they can pry your ass out of the seat before the polls close and bring you to the ballot box, please choose someone other than the silver-tongued menace. He's not going to help you and you already know that. He's the kind of guy who will invite you over for a beer but won't let you inside of his house because you're not important enough.


If you're planning on voting for Felipe Atalig you really need to be checked out. Seriously, the only thing on this guy's campaign platform is himself with a microphone. Nearby is a television screen giving him all the words to the song. He actually had a chance at winning until he opened his mouth. I didn't realize you could sound that dumb, but you actually can.


If you're planning on voting for Juan Gonzales, I understand. You're wrong, but I understand. You must have missed the debate. I actually wanted the bright-eyed youngster to get a taste of dealing with the Americans...until I heard him at the debate. That's when I switched from calling him "Bolis" to "Ballless." Every time I heard him reply to John Anderson's question with one of his own I wanted to slap the mwarmwar off of his head. Oops, but he wasn't even wearing it that night. Sorry John, but "The question is..." who the fuck coached you before that debate?


If you're planning on voting for David Cing you need to lock yourself in one of Marpi's bomb shelters and not come out for a very long time. Why? Because a vote for David Cing is like verifying to congress that we are a bunch of idiots. I've heard him speak at a rally on Tinian and Cing couldn't articulate his leg into his pants without the help of a highly trained team of assistants. He's about as valuable as the lint in my navel. Seriously Democratic Party, you should be ashamed of yourself.


If you're planning on voting for Kilili, I feel you dawg, I feel you. I just think you're making a mistake if you're voting for him on purpose. Greg is a nice guy and has said a number of nice things during his campaign. While he did an admirable job running the CNMI's elections, I just don't want him to win this one because he's not the guy for the job. That said, if I tripped on my way to the voting booth and accidentally cast my ballot for him I'd feel fine about it.


While we're on the topic of voting, I was honored by The Saipan Blogger when he added me to a poll of anonymous local bloggers. I really don't care if I win because I'm years behind Lil Hammerhead and the founders of the Anonymous Blogger Foundation, Saipan Middle Road.

They're truly deserving of the title and I expect to place in third out of the three. Given the crowd of others who weren't even considered in the poll, it's cool that I'm part of the three.

New Movie Theater On Saipan

The Yapper was in high spirits when Hollywood Theater reopened after its month-long blackout, but there are still a couple of days in the week when the movie going public is without a home as the local movie house goes dark on Tuesdays and Wednesdays.
the daily yapper, stanley torres, cnmi, saipan, tinian, rota, we love saipan, saipan daily yapper
That all changed yesterday when the newest motion picture sensation to hit the Northern Mariana Islands launched with much fanfare. The price of admission is ridiculously lower than that of its San Jose counterpart, but both buildings are equally air conditioned to the point of arctic comfort.
hollywood theater, blockbuster video, i robot, movies, chamorro, carolinian, yap, yapese
Since Blockbuster block-busted down the doors of the closest ship to get outta here, the only places left to catch a flick is at the new cinema on Capital Hill. I was lucky enough to catch the first showing at the newly named "LegiPlex Showcase" and I was not at all disappointed.
best blog on saipan, cnmi, guam, managaha
Since I am a fan of choice, I was a little saddened to know that there was only one movie being played. I wasn't able to find any reviews from the U.S. film critics, but I think there are enough of local movie buffs to provide the inside scoop from on high.
scuba diving, saipan tribune, marianas variety, kspn
The only movie playing on Capital Hill is a couple of years old but believe it or not, it features some local talent! I was as surprised as everyone else in the packed house when the opening credits began to roll across the silver screen and I'm not ashamed to say I even applauded before the show got underway. mustbethehumidity, lil hammerhead
Forgive me. I'm purposely being a little vague about the movie title, the storyline and the local talent because I don't want to give away any of the plot points. Don't worry if you weren't able to catch the show at the "LegiPlex Showcase" because the staff will be running the same thing over and over until we're sick of seeing the same thing again and again.

April Fools in November?

I know that Chamorro Standard Time completely ignores the rest of the world and it's foolish concept of Daylight Savings Time (that's so Mavericky"), but I didn't realize that the CNMI could randomly place dates throughout the calendar.
saipn, cnmi, tinian, rota, we love saipan
When I woke up this morning to listen to a skinny bald guy on the radio replace the husky bald guy who is usually on the radio, I powered up Y.A.P. 3000 to get a good look at the online edition of our daily news.
benigno fitial, saipan, chamorro, chamorru
The date on the front page was clearly Monday, November 3rd, but the Marianas Variety staff clearly played an April Fool's Day trick on the commonwealth when it reported that Governor Benigno Fitial has received re-election support from people whose names do not include the names Benigno and/or Fitial.
marianas variety, saipan tribune, kspn 2
Read below:

GOVERNOR Benigno R. Fitial on Friday said some members of the Republican and Democratic parties are pledging their support for his re-election bid. Fitial said these Democrats and Republicans told him that they “regretted” not supporting him in the last elections.

According to the governor, some of these individuals were identified with former Republican Gov. Juan N. Babauta. Two top leaders of Democratic Party have also expressed their intention to be his running mate next year, Fitial said.

Some people from both parties, he added, have probably realized that he is working hard to improve the CNMI’s very critical economic conditions. “I’ve been working very hard ever since I became governor,” he said. “I work everyday. I have a lot of things on the table and I’m focused on trying to manage the government despite its very limited resources,” Fitial said.

There are other disgruntled Republicans and Democrats who are approaching the ruling Covenant Party, he said. “They want to align with me and my party,” he added.

The governor said his campaign committee was organized as early as four months ago and has been conducting regular meetings since then. The selection of a new running mate for Fitial is one of the primary tasks of the committee. Lt. Gov. Timothy P. Villagomez has returned to the Republican Party and will not run with Fitial next year.


That last line was the best. It was written as if it would hurt Fitial but I actually think that's the only thing that our current governor has going for him. Whenever anyone accuses him of doing a bad job, he can always say, "Well, at least Tim won't be running with me next time!"
saipan daily yapper, the yapper, yap, yappese, carolinians
I couldn't stop laughing when I read this story because it had to be a joke. Just to make sure, I called the Marianas Variety this morning to applaud them on their use of humor and satire. This was the funniest thing that the Variety put out since their joke about the "Green Pages" and "Yellow Journalism."
guam, northern marianas islands, oceania
Bravo, Marianas Variety.

UPDATE:

Some very concerned Junior Yappers have informed me that their research revealed that this story was indeed real and not the joke I perceived it to be. In light of this new information, I was compelled to write a little more on the subject of Benigno Fitial's re-election campaign.

First some advice to the good governor:

DON'T DO IT!

What, are you fucking crazy? Jesus H. Christ, you're a fucking moron if you think that you actually have a chance at sitting in the same chair following the next election. People came to you for a change, but not the kind of change that you brought about.

FUCKING FORGET IT, OLD MAN!

Governor Fitial won't get enough votes to win even if he were to stations Ray Mafnas, the washed-up thug, at every polling place with his sleeves rolled up while wearing a tight fitting shirt that exposed his once tough chest that has since deteriorated into a set of sagging man-titties.

YOU'RE NOT SURROUNDED BY SUPPORTERS!

That group of people around you shouting is not your clan of fans, it's a lynch mob. You seriously need to wheel your feeble ass outta there as soon as possible and turn off their power for such insolence.

GET THEIR NAMES!

If you really think that you're going to have all of those supporters by your side in 2009, I suggest that you write them down and publicize them. They would likely come out and support in public if they really exist and then maybe people would actually believe you.

WE'RE NOT THAT STUPID!

Sorry BF (stands for Benigno Fitial, but could also stand for butt fucker [not that there's anything wrong with that] or buddy fucker), but if you really had the kind of support you're talking about it wouldn't be you who was talking about it.

As far as I see it, your re-election campaign is like an ARMY of one. A broken down lying ARMY of one.

You might have had a chance at the Washington Delegate position because there's nine worthless candidates and your addition to the ballot would have given anyone with a dozen friends a legitimate shot of making us all look like an island community of dumb asses.

My thoughts on the candidates next.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Yawn!

After an extended leave of absence due to personal reasons, I'm back! All you scurvy bitches and crooks have a lot to answer for, so get ready to face the firing squad. Time to eat my first meal on Saipan in what seemed like an eternity. In the meantime, all you corrupt mother fuckers need to get the fuck out of your seats and find Jesus.

No, not Iguel. I'm talking about the fella who carried the cross up to Mt. Tapo-shopping, suffered, died, was buried, rose again, came out of the cave, saw his shadow and proclaimed six more weeks of winter.

I love a parade, but the parade of idiots we have in government office is making me a little uneasy. We live in a place where people take TTT ssseriously and listen to a fucking space case talk to his imaginary Tan Canda.

Something's not right these days so thank God that I'm back to dish out some of the beatings that these douchebags need so badly.

I'm looking at you, Gonzalo...

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

He's The President?

Wait just one minute! I didn't vote for him! When was the election? I want a recount!

Don't most elected presidents pose with smiles on their faces? This looks a little more like a dictator pose.

Well, maybe not the "tator" part.

I can't bang the war drum on Taotao Tano because a lot of their anti-CUC rhetoric may have aided FBI investigators during their intensive "Rydlyme-gate" research.

While they might not have directly contributed to the case against Lieutenant Governor (for now) Timothy Villagomez, his sister, brother-in-law, and former CUC Director Anthony Guerrero, Taotao Tano may have provided the back-up singers to Satan's Chorus.

Since nobody is going to be able to sharpen a pencil at CUC for a while without going through a government check on efficiency, it may be a good time for Taotao Tano to focus its efforts on another area of the government for local fraud, waste and abuse.

Any ideas where they might start?

Thursday, July 31, 2008

Fuck China!

As if I needed another reason to criticize one of the worst countries in the world. Sure they're developing at an incredible rate, but China is about as bad a country as has ever existed in the world.

I really hate this evil government, and this is coming from someone who isn't religious about it like the conservative head up their asses republican types. China is just a bad place run by bad people making bad decisions.

Long story short, China is bad so FUCK THEM!

Why today's rage against the Asian economic powerhouse? Because those evil commie bastards are attempting to censor all reports from the international press during the 2008 Olympics. Those fuckers might be able to stifle the majority of their 1.6 billion sheep but fuck them if they think they can keep their crummy human rights record a secret with the world's press in country.

They knew that the international media would come along with the athletes for the games but they've chosen to let slip their little veil of literary hijacking only now with just a handful of days remaining before the opening ceremonies.

Bastards.

I hate China, although I do not hate Chinese people in general. But I do hate their generals, generally speaking.

Are you for Beijing censoring the international media during the 2008 Summer Olympics? Not me. Why not vote about it. Time for a poll, I think.

Friday, July 25, 2008

Cing-ing in the rain

So when is one required to resign their elected position should one decide to run for another position? I've heard it's when one files the necessary papers required to officially declare one's candidacy.

I say an emphatic, "Bullshit!"

If you're putting up signs around the island that read, "Vote for me" then you're fucking running and anything you say to the contrary is a heaping load of shit. Luis, fucking declare already so we can rid our lousy government of it's lousiest member.

P.S.

I love you.

More to come about my second favorite candidate tomorrow (if I get the files I've requested).

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Kudos to Tina!

Finally, someone is doing something the right way on Capital Hill. I don't know if it's the altitude or if it's the bullshit that gets to people's heads when they're voted into office here in the CNMI, but things get really fucked up when you ad a government title to your name.

At least that's the case here on Saipan.

Somehow, against all odds a valiant young woman continues her march against corruption from the inside. She's already got a seat in the Legislature and a discretionary account, but Tina Sablan is working to make every expenditure of every office holder public knowledge.

The fact that anyone holding office would oppose should serve as a political death sentence, but that doesn't work for our resident muckraker and purveyor of the flavor saver, Stanley "Mc Guinness" Torres.

Funny enough was this part of the story:

While the Open Government Act applies to all other government agencies, the Legislature passed a law in 1994 to exempt itself from the act’s provisions. The petition calls for a law re-applying the government transparency law to the Legislature.

Everyone who voted in favor of this law should be barred from ever holding public office because they clearly don't give two shits about anyone other than themselves.

For all of your hard work and determination I offer this humble message of congratulations to you, Tina, for making The Honor Roll!

Enough from me. Here's the story as it appeared in the Saipan Tribune:

1.6K signatures back transparency petition


Approximately 1,600 additional signatures were submitted to the Attorney General's Office late Monday afternoon in support of a petition for a more transparent Legislature.

Proponents of the petition need at least 512 valid signatures, in addition to the 1,900 previously submitted and verified, to get the initiative on the ballot in the November election. The initiative proposes to amend the law to apply the Open Government Act to the Legislature.

“Hopefully, that [1,600 signatures] is a good enough margin of error for at least 512 signatures to be valid,” said Rep. Tina Sablan, the main proponent of the petition, which she started as a private citizen last year.

Even if the signatures are found sufficient, proponents of the proposal still face the unresolved legal question of whether or not the initiative can be placed on the ballot this year.

The Constitution requires that initiatives to amend the Constitution or a general law be placed on the ballot at a regular general election. The Attorney General's Office has issued an opinion that the current legal definition of a “regular general election” only includes elections held in odd-numbered years on the first Saturday of November.

For initiatives to be voted on this election, the Legislature needs to change the definition of “regular general election” or call a concurrent special election, Deputy Attorney General Gregory Baka has said.

Sablan said her group is considering an alternative action. “We would appeal to the Election Commission to consider other legal perspectives that hold that the federal law that mandates the delegate election this year changed everything-the Covenant, the Constitution, and CNMI election laws, with or without action from the local legislature explicitly amending the definition of 'regular general election,'” she said.

“But of course none of this would be an issue if the delegate bill pending in the [CNMI] Senate right now is signed into law, because that acknowledges the election law changes that were made when US Public Law 110-229 was enacted,” she added.

The federal law granted the Northern Marianas a non-voting delegate in the U.S. House of Representatives. The first ever delegate will be elected on Nov. 4, 2008.

While the Open Government Act applies to all other government agencies, the Legislature passed a law in 1994 to exempt itself from the act’s provisions. The petition calls for a law re-applying the government transparency law to the Legislature.

Sunday, July 13, 2008

Economic Slowdown Exposes Those Without Hearts

I'm starting to think that this whole economic slowdown might not be all that bad. Think about what's going on and reference that against what the locals are saying. And by locals, I'm not talking about the Carolinians.

The "We're too proud of ourselves for our own good" Chamorros are not happy about what's going on with their government even though they're the ones who have been steadily ravaging their own people for decades.

The Chamorros certainly aren't to blame for all of Saipan's woes as there are plenty of Carolinians to blame for the state of the Commonwealth, namely the man who is currently running the show on Capital Hill.

How spoiled have the locals become over the years? I actually heard this young woman talk about her reasons for leaving Saipan and was revolted to hear about her "troubles" forcing her hand.

"We've got to conserve our power. We've never had to conserve anything," she said.

Buck up, chica! You're going to bail on your island because you've got to tighten your belt a bit and save on your power bill? Are you proud to be a Chamorro or are you just a girl who was born on an island and only cares about it on sunny days?

Well, Jesus H. Christ! You make me sick. What are you going to do when times are tough on the mainland? Do you always expect to be doing well financially? Kiss that shit goodbye because one day you're going to have to learn how to be an adult and deal with problems.

The Filipinos seem to answer their economic woes by counterfeiting everything known to man and by shipping their only asset overseas: their workers. Once they get out of the archipelago it seems that they never want to go back. Sure they send money back home, but are they doing anything to help the country as a whole?

No.

But how can they root out all of their government's corruption? I don't think they can. The country is far too big and their problems far too vast. I don't think that the fate of the CNMI is destined to match that of the Philippines.

We're smaller and our screwed up government can be turned around so long as our younger generation can withstand the daily assault from the older, entrenched and wicked people who hold the reins these days.

As for the need to conserve, people act like that's a bad thing. Nobody like to budget their resources, but if that's something that has to be done in order to remain in one's cultural home and preserve one's heritage, then so be it.

The problem with some of the local Chamorros is that they think that they're too good to budget their resources on a personal level. Is it really a calamity that one turns off the hot water heater, unplugs appliances, and limits their use of air conditioning?

For fuck's sake people, it's not the end of the world.

We've got some trouble ahead with the CUC, that's for sure, but the price of gas is going up all over the world and your utilities will follow suit. It's not the end of the world so fucking stand up and fight for your home, damn it!

This isn't necessarily aimed at the dumb folks. The CNMI has plenty of idiots and as far as I'm concerned they can all go to The States and flip burgers for the rest of their lives. The people who need to stick around and right the ship are the young educated leaders of tomorrow.

By leaving, the bright ones aren't only helping themselves, their aiding the downfall of the Chamorro way of life because the dumb ones will fall for every slick politician who promises salvation.

Losers led by fucking snakes. How do you think that the Taotao Tano was allowed it's shot at prominence? Because that's the only group of locals left to battle the bad guys. Only problem is that they are also a bunch of unemployed bad guys with time on their hands.

Basically all I'm trying to say is that the Chamorros who can actually make a difference apparently don't give a flying fuck about the CNMI. I guess that's fine seeing as the how ones who get elected into office don't seem to give two shits about Saipan, Tinian or Rota more than their pocketbooks.

Friday, July 4, 2008

Congratulations, Harry!


A thunderous round of applause is in order for Harry Blalock, station manager for both KZMI and KCNM radio stations for he has earned his place among a distinct fraternity of excellence known simply as The Sick List.

Yes Harry, for your stance on legalizing handguns in the CNMI, you will forever be honored (or rather dishonored) in a way deserving only of those who err so greatly in judgment. Legalizing handguns would be a horrible thing to do on Saipan, Tinian and Rota.

This has nothing to do with federalizing labor and immigration, but rather everything to do with safety. Not all of us have steel plates guarding our domes and lumps of coal occupying the most vital area of our chest cavity.

Don't worry Harry, your opinion is known and your reputation will not change a bit with your revolver revelation. Enjoy The Sick List, Harry. You earned it.

Friday, June 27, 2008

This Little Piggy Went To Market...

I heard that Porky's closed. Could this be in the wake of the supposed boycott or is this another sign of the times? Perhaps it's just another business drowning in debt on a cloudy day that is about to rain an additional $.50/hour upon all minimum wage earning employees.

Any thoughts or squeals?

Hang Handgun Harry!

I couldn't believe my ears this morning! As per my usual morning routine, I rose from the Yap Chamber to the sounds of Island Issues with Harry Blalock and Lewie Tenorio. As always, Friday is a special day for a special guy as "Uncle" Dave Sablan took to the airwaves with his usual "unique" style.

The show opened with them talking to ancient swimmer, Jim Bell, the 70-year-old swimmer who stroked his way from Tinian unescorted until he reached Saipan some four and a half hours later. Bell said that he plans to swim a lap around Saipan during the month of July, albeit by taking small bites out of the nearly 80-mile journey a day at a time.

That took the Yapper into the mid-show break thinking that there would be more from the Old Man of the Sea, but I was shocked to hear host Harry exalt the virtues of handgun ownership as well as the CNMI's need to change it's laws to mirror the United States of America.

Why?

According to the story on www.cnn.com, the U.S. Supreme Court ruled Thursday that a sweeping ban on handguns in the nation's capital violated the Second Amendment right to bear arms.

What?

Pretty much everyone in the U.S. of A. is allowed to own a handgun unless they're a convicted fellon. This all because the justices "struck down the ban in a 5-4 decision, with Justice Antonin Scalia writing the opinion for the majority."

While the Mayor of Washington D.C. and Chicago have come out in opposition immediately, our local talk show host came out quite the opposite. Scary Harry said that the CNMI should immediately change its laws to reflect the new decision from the Supreme Court because the U.S. rule of law supersedes those of the CNMI.

On top of that, Harry said that the CNMI would be a safer place were handguns permitted., explaining further that, "Maybe criminals would have to think twice about whether or not to rob somebody because they might shoot them."

Good point. It's also a good idea to have everyone have a mini-nuke in every Taiwanese refrigerator just in case the Chinese think about attacking us. Maybe then they'd think twice about moving in.

WTF? Are you fucking kidding me, Harry? Obviously you're smoking some kind of bad crack. Don't you think that our local bad guys would employ the use of firearms in the commission of their crimes? And no, I'm not talking about Stanley. I think he's packing heat under his beard anyway.

Seriously Harry, don't you see a Saipan becoming a more dangerous place with firearms? I'm not talking about a .22 rifle or a shotgun (currently legal in the CNMI). Look at the way sentences are handed down to people today. Tell me what 30 days in jail, all suspended except for three days served, will do to ensure the public safety when the first guy who robs one of Luis Crisostimo's a poker parlors?

Think about what will happen in Japan and Korea when the the first stick-up happens in Marpi or on the beach pathway? Think beaches will be enough to lure tourists then? You're fucking high.

Why not use the World's Smallest Handgun (seen above) to blow away your World's Smallest Brain? That would be a good start at making the CNMI a safer place to live. The next step will be putting Dave Sablan out to pasture.

Monday, June 9, 2008

What Do You Think?

Should Saipan cut its ties with Tinian and Rota and let them fend for themselves? I really don't know what the islands offer each other as a Commonwealth at all. Maybe cutting the fat will do each island well.

-Saipan has most of the financial value but that doesn't make it the best. It can stand alone for sure.

-Tinian is the pot capital of the CNMI and is a military training base waiting to happen (again). I wonder how much the price of grass will jump locally once the military takes over 2/3 of Tinian.

-Rota is nothing but an inedible wedding cake. It beauty is unrivaled among the three , but what else is there of value?

Sure all three are beautiful, but only one island is able to pay for itself. We can get rid of the municipal councils, the mayors, half of congress, and start running things cost effectively.

The mayors of Rota and Tinian regard themselves as kings anyway so why not let them rule the roost for good?

So what do you think?

Way Ahead Of You, Guys!

It's always a pleasure to wake up to a hot cup of coffee and the morning paper (well, the on
line version anyway). Nothing kicks off the day quite like reading through the world's headlines and reconnecting with the rest of humanity.

My favorite headline this morning was this from the USA Today and CNN:

Gas hits national average of $4 for first time

Whoa, way ahead of you boys! And the feds think that they're setting the standard, sheesh!

We've been well over the $4 mark for months and we'll probably hit $5 by the end of the year. It's a sad thing that a gallon of gas is worth more than an hour of work for most people in the CNMI.

What a slap that must be to the gas station employees who have to buy their company product to get to the station in the first place. Sad, sad, sad.

Thursday, June 5, 2008

Cheap Shot of the Week

"Um, Mrs. Clinton, may we have your 2nd place pose, please?" Isn't this the pose that won her second place in the White House bedroom? Well it might have worked against her once again. If Hilary would have only opened her mouth in this position years ago, we never would have heard of Monica.

For Christ's Sake, Already


There's nothing wrong with having sex in strange places (like the back seat of a Volkswagon), in fact the changing of locations often heightens the experience. Whether you're indoors, outdoors, in the bedroom or on the hood of a car, sex is fun.

While some people get their rocks off by having a quickie at the park or on the beach, a couple in Italy were caught in the act pulling a Monica in the confessional. That takes some serious matzah balls.

Here's the story from cnn.com:
(CNN)
-- A man and a woman have been charged by police in Italy after they were found having sex in a confession box, it was reported Wednesday.

The Italian ANSA news agency said the young man and woman were taken into custody by police in the northern city of Cesena following a telephone complaint from a man attending morning Mass in the city's cathedral.

Authorities were alerted after a parishoner heard "rustling and groaning" coming from inside the confession box and pulled back the curtains to reveal a goth-rock couple engaged in oral sex, ANSA said.

The agency said the pair -- a 31-year-old laborer and a 32-year-old teacher -- defended their conduct saying: "We are atheists and for us, having sex in church is like doing it any other place."

However, Bishop Antonio Lanfranchi of Cesena-Sarsina took said the couple's behavior was "an outrage of notable proportions which bespeaks unutterable squalor."

He added that a special ceremony would be held to purify the confession box.

My guess is that the "special ceremony" involves the Holy Mop of Antioch and that they're going to import the Holy Water from our Santa Lourdes shrine here on Saipan. A bigger question lost in this story is why a couple in their 30's is still into goth-rock? Isn't that just for pimply faced teenagers trying to look cool in an alternative fashion?

Perhaps the biggest question: If you were offered some hot oral in a church, would you turn it down?

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

Fitial Accomplishes Something Positive

Call him Ben Tan, call him a bum, call him what you will. But don't say that CNMI Governor Benigno Fitial didn't accomplish anything positive during his four-year term as Head of State.



Why?

Read this morning's Saipan Tribune to find out how the entire CPA board of directors resigned en masse. According to Agnes Donato's story, the board members who have resigned are Antonio Camacho, Connie Igisomar, Joe Lifoifoi, Alejo Mendiola, and Ray Cing.

Oh but that's not the best part. Included in the list of "resignees" was part-time dirtbag and full-time scoundrel Rex I. Palacios. Yes, you know sexy Rexy. He's the same guy who screwed the pooch on the Pacific Gardenia and 2006 Micronesian Games.

What else? How about the Saipan International Airport? Wonder why the generators weren't fixed at the only airport in the CNMI accepting major international flights? Ask around and you'll hear the same thing from all of your sources.

Think of Rex as kind of the opposite of King Midas. Where everything Midas touched turned to gold, everything Rex touches turns to shit. Don't let him become a member of Beautify CNMI! because that ship is sailing just fine.


So, while I never thought I'd say it, thank you Governor Fitial

The only problem with Rex is that he always seems to land another job I don't know why? The guy is a dick who knows how to turn on the charm when necessary He's a boozer and a schmoozer Rex always fucks things up, so why does he always get another chance to do so? And why is it usually at a higher position than his previous fuck up?

It's like you chop one Rex head off and two more appear

Well, on reason is that he's got some friends in high places I don't know if bailing on the Governor now will ensure that solid friendship he was going for these past few years

Bonus: How many faces of Rex are there on this post?